Horrible Fathers Day with DH

[WineGumm]

Horrible Fathers Day morning with DH - honestly dreadful.

Last night DH and I had a fight, he had watched 4 hours of WWE on TV and I had left him alone to enjoy it. When it had finished I made a hot chocolate and went to sit on the couch. DH was taking up the whole settee with his legs on top of the couch, I asked him nicely to move his legs and he huffed that I was controlling how he sat. I just didn’t want his feet in my face. Things spiralled after he refused to move his legs and he called me “rotten”on the inside” a “vile woman” and a horrible person and I was ruining his night etc. All for asking him to move his legs! He said these things in front of DS (12)

I walked off and went to bed, I had to remove myself from the situation.

This morning I tried to act as normal possible. I wished him Happy Fathers Day. DS made him a cup of coffee (he barely looked at DS and told him he had just had one)

Got the cards and DS made a few jokey gift vouchers. DS2 had made a little present in school, his main hadn’t arrived in time, he also had a history magazine and a gift voucher.

DS went to give him the cards and he would barely look at him, saying shall we just not bother. He had a face like a slapped arse, it was dreadful. I told him to put aside whatever it was was going on and make an effort for the kids.

He started another fight and I’m ashamed to say that DS went to his room upset.

I had to convince DS to come back down and try again saying that Daddy was having a bad day.

We tried again but it was dreadful, so forced. I apologised that his main gift had not arrived, I admit that I said “please don’t shout at me” I apologised for saying that as it was probably passive aggressive and I said please don’t be upset.

DH looked at the little pile saying that there was barely anything there.

DS stormed upstairs again. I had to go to work.

I text DH to see if he would at least take the kids out to the park as the weather was lovely but he refused. I even sent him free McDonald’s vouchers so he could take him to a drive through but he refused to attempt to salvage the day.

DS stayed in his room all day, DS2 amused himself and DH played video games all day.

Its 9pm and the cards are still unopened 😔

If it wasn’t Fathers Day I swear I would have asked for a divorce today.

I’m so sorry op, this is really sad, for you and your children. I think you need to really think about whether this is a one off or a pattern. If it’s a pattern it’s not good for you or your children.

You educate yourself about the divorce process (Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies etc), gather all financial documentation and consult with a competent family solicitor.

DH has now finally decided that he wants to actually open the cards and is calling DS downstairs

The stuff about last night, was that the context that you thought was influencing how your “D”H was reacting today or an example to show that today’s behaviour was part of a general pattern? Because it sounds like the latter to me.

Please get your DCs out of there and don’t get them to try to approach him again.

You absolutely shouldn’t put DS through that again. First, go and give him a hug and make sure he knows that this whole thing is no reflection on him.

Secondly start preparing for the happiest day of your life, when the divorce is finalised and you can look forward to the rest of your life in peace! 💐

Your kids will remember this. It's an utterly horrible way to treat them when they've made him homemade cards etc. I couldn't be with a man who treated my dc with such contempt. Sulky, childish, ungrateful man child.

Get any important documents like passports, birth certificates, photos, memory items that you couldn't dream of losing and stash them at a friend or family's house. Along with copies of anything to do with money. I would also suggest a bag for you and the kids with just the essentials so you have that knowledge that if he comes home angry you and the kids can leave and have what you need for the short term. I took this advice, best comfort I had and I used it too.

It’s not a one off unfortunately.

Erm why? That is very cruel. What were you hoping to achieve? Humiliation for your son . From now on, for his birthday and father's day, do nothing, prepare nothing, take your kids out alone for the entire day. Really that's the only way to respond to him.

I voted YABU. Because who cares if it’s Father’s Day or not, he certainly doesn’t. Ask him for a divorce. He’s a prick!

Well there you have it, your kids wouldn't miss him either. No need to stay around "for the kids".

What a horrible man. He doesn't deserve to be a father or a husband.

Why on earth would you keep pushing your poor son into this?
Do you enjoy seeing him hurt and rejected?!
This is abuse in its own right.

Make sure your son knows he doesn't have to go down unless he wants to!

Okay, here's something you can do first thing tomorrow. Call the council and ask them whether, in the event of you splitting, they'd let you take over the tenancy on your own. That would give you a good starting point from which to make further plans. I might be wrong, but I imagine as a lone parent on a low wage you'd be entitled to UC that covers housing costs.

And I bet everyone in IRL has seen what he's like at some point but hasn't dared say anything. Men like your STBXH (hopefully) do occasionally let their mask slip even when they're trying hard not to.

If you start wavering - you have left him before, haven't you? - just think about your sons' faces today when their git of a dad refused to open their cards. Then stay strong.

I think you know what you need to do then. I know it must be really tough but please listen to the posters who have experience of this and look forward to finding your freedom. I really do wish you all the strength.

Tell your DS he doesn't have to go downstairs if he doesn't want to. If he does, make sure you are there, watch without saying a word then leave the room with your DS the minute it is done.

Those poor boys and you sound like you made lots of effort and he shoved it back in all of your faces.
Kids remember things like this. He has upset all of you and behaved like a complete arse time and again in just 24 hours. I’m really sorry for you and the kids. He sounds rotten.

“I had to convince DS to come back down and try again saying that Daddy was having a bad day”

no you didn’t have to convince your DS to do that.
I don’t want to make you feel bad OP but that is so wrong. Please don’t make your children tolerate and pander to an abuser. It’s setting them up for a lifetime of misery. They don’t deserve that.

If DS doesn't want to don't force him.

You need to be brave for your boys.

They are learning everyday what a relationship and a marriage is. And he is modelling it for them

Thank you everyone. I know I need to get him to leave. It’s when to do it is worrying me - either I am in work and he’s home with the kids or he’s in work and I would be texting him that I want to split up when he’s working.

I don’t trust how he would react if i told him when he was alone with the kids.

That shouldn't even be an option.

What an utter arsehole. I'm jt quick to say this but LTB. He sounds like a petulant child.

Don't put your children through anymore of his behaviour.

Yep totally agree - go and do some research and see what your options are. And please keep this away from him - he doesn't need to be involved in your thinking. If you feel you have a choice about what you and DC do hopefully his actions will have less of an impact on you.

At 9.30pm!

Horrible shit. Your ds must have been hurt all day and now he decides to call them down because he wants to.

Cruel behaviour.

Time to remove your ds from this environment.