Horrible Fathers Day with DH

[WineGumm]

Horrible Fathers Day morning with DH - honestly dreadful.

Last night DH and I had a fight, he had watched 4 hours of WWE on TV and I had left him alone to enjoy it. When it had finished I made a hot chocolate and went to sit on the couch. DH was taking up the whole settee with his legs on top of the couch, I asked him nicely to move his legs and he huffed that I was controlling how he sat. I just didn’t want his feet in my face. Things spiralled after he refused to move his legs and he called me “rotten”on the inside” a “vile woman” and a horrible person and I was ruining his night etc. All for asking him to move his legs! He said these things in front of DS (12)

I walked off and went to bed, I had to remove myself from the situation.

This morning I tried to act as normal possible. I wished him Happy Fathers Day. DS made him a cup of coffee (he barely looked at DS and told him he had just had one)

Got the cards and DS made a few jokey gift vouchers. DS2 had made a little present in school, his main hadn’t arrived in time, he also had a history magazine and a gift voucher.

DS went to give him the cards and he would barely look at him, saying shall we just not bother. He had a face like a slapped arse, it was dreadful. I told him to put aside whatever it was was going on and make an effort for the kids.

He started another fight and I’m ashamed to say that DS went to his room upset.

I had to convince DS to come back down and try again saying that Daddy was having a bad day.

We tried again but it was dreadful, so forced. I apologised that his main gift had not arrived, I admit that I said “please don’t shout at me” I apologised for saying that as it was probably passive aggressive and I said please don’t be upset.

DH looked at the little pile saying that there was barely anything there.

DS stormed upstairs again. I had to go to work.

I text DH to see if he would at least take the kids out to the park as the weather was lovely but he refused. I even sent him free McDonald’s vouchers so he could take him to a drive through but he refused to attempt to salvage the day.

DS stayed in his room all day, DS2 amused himself and DH played video games all day.

Its 9pm and the cards are still unopened 😔

If it wasn’t Fathers Day I swear I would have asked for a divorce today.

Im glad you can see through his behaviour op. I'd just keep very neutral when you interact with him. Don't let him get wind of the fact you still want to split.

I remember having a "moment" where I knew I was "done". It gives you a strength to see it through and be done with them. Take care.

Sorry @wineGumm my error...another thread. But yeah thelegalqueen is still good advice for you. Shame you don't have the inheritance 🙄

I think the extent of his effort reveals the extent of his need to dominate and control you.
As others have said it's probably best to play along.

Talk to Women's aid about getting him off the lease.
Have you told the housing association that you are a victim of domestic abuse?
And that your children are being abused?
You need to fight dirty.

He knows he has gone too far so is trying to pull back.
Have your told your GP that you are all terrorised by him?
You need to to self report his abuse to SS and see will it help to get him out.
Ask the HA what they need from you to get him out?

As @ButtonsB says, you need to fight dirty OP.
Or to put it another way, you need to play to win because that's what he'll be doing.
Don't forget that in his mind you are a mere woman and he won't think that you are capable of out-maneuvering him or being strategic.
Play dumb but be clever and strategic.

You can apply to court to get an order that the HA move the house into your name only. You need to see a solicitor.

@WineGumm

You can apply to court to get an order that the HA move the house into your name only. You need to see a solicitor.

The above poster is right. You need to see a solicitor and stress the abuse. Women's Aid may be able to pint you in the right direction on that too, once you meet with them. Not sure if you already have, because I can't remember when you said you had an appointment with them

Oh boy, does he ever know he's crossed a line! And he's trying so hard to erase that from your mind, isn't he. More fool him!

Stay 'stealth'. See a solicitor for all options, even 'nuclear' options.

Ironically for him, the nicer - and thus more different to how he usually is - he behaves, the more he is making it blindingly obvious he knows full well he's been treating you all like shit.

Yes he's kind of backed himself into a corner, he has nowhere to go. . . but don't forget a cornered rat is a dangerous rat

You must STRESS THE ABUSE in every interaction with everyone. This is the key to getting it the way you want it.

Do not let on to him that you are getting advice. Make sure he cannot see your online activity.

I don't think letting SS your GP etc know the full extent of his behaviour is "fighting dirty". You're telling the truth. If he feels that is a dirty tactic, remind him that what is truely dirty is his behaviour.

You need to let go of any misgivings about 'how far you should go', and then just let it ALL out. The guilt is on him OP. If you conceal anything, it could cost you and your kids something, somewhere.

This is a man who doesn't protect his children. He does not deserve your protection at all, but you and your kids do.

100% agree with @missmousemouth , it's his behaviour that's appalling, not your reaction to it. HE has done this. Your kids and yourself are your priorities now, he can sort himself out.

Thank you. I’ve been thinking a lot about how much to say, I will be completely honest with Women’s Aid next week at my appointment. I will tell them everything he has ever done. It feels complicated as some of the vilest things he’s done or said to me were years ago- no proof that he said them but when I talk to him he does not deny saying them.

I so confused as to what to do about housing - I’ve even looked at privately renting somewhere just to get out quickly, leaving my name on the lease and working on getting him out of the house with me and the kids living separately. Private rent is so expensive though, I don’t have money for deposits either or any furniture etc.

How to prove he said and did all these things to me? Unfortunately I have no proof. I am currently going through WhatsApp messages but the abuse is verbal and not written down.

I also worry about what would happen to him seeing the children if I went “nuclear”

Would he still be allowed to see them? Would all contact cease? Despite the abuse and awful behaviour towards me - our oldest adores his Dad and does have a good relationship with him. Our youngest too loves his Dad and would miss him if there was no contact at all.

What would happen to his job? He has a professional job in a position of authority- think one of the key services. Would he lose his job with such “accusations?”

He’s really laying it on thick this week and is acting the model husband and Father.

Is he a police man? The statistics on police perpetrator domestic abuse are actually shocking.

He will still be able to have contact with your joint children. As long as he's not abusive to them and he isn't a risk to them. Unfortunately, it means you'll have to co-parent. I suggest that you get an co parenting app and only communicate with him via that.

You could apply for an occupation order (for the property) and child arrangement (for the contact/children)

They always do that but beware once they realise it's not working they revert to nasty bastard's.

That would be good. Ideally we would co-parent and do what is best for the children. With our youngests additional needs we will still need to be in contact more than if it was just my oldest. It sounds silly but I dream of getting to a point where they would stay over with him yet we could still share updates of what the kids have been up to. I know of so many families that split and on the weekend with Dad they have no idea what their children are doing and if they are ok.

With the amount of hours he works they would naturally be with me the most anyway.

I think with his abusive behaviour a parenting app is definitely the way to go. It can be used as evidence in court and means he doesn't have access to you all the time. I most certainly would make sure all conversations, once you've left, are written and not verbal.

Well done on making the first steps to get him away from you OP, your children will thank you for this, yes he's their dad so they will likely always love him but he's a horrible person and an awful father, when everything is sorted and settled I imagine you and your children will know a peace and happiness you never thought possible x

ALL children love their parents absolutely regardless of how abusive they are, in fact the more abusive they are, the more a child will try to love them. So don't let that be a factor in making the best decision for your children.

Maybe do some research in what would be involved, particularly financially, if the day came he was more than the tosser he is behaving like now. Knowledge is power OP. 🌹

So is reading the thread

Is he a policeman?

I really doubt that a police officer would live in a council house but I expect everyone will pile on now saying they know of hundreds of pice officers that live in council houses.