Horrible Fathers Day with DH

[WineGumm]

Horrible Fathers Day morning with DH - honestly dreadful.

Last night DH and I had a fight, he had watched 4 hours of WWE on TV and I had left him alone to enjoy it. When it had finished I made a hot chocolate and went to sit on the couch. DH was taking up the whole settee with his legs on top of the couch, I asked him nicely to move his legs and he huffed that I was controlling how he sat. I just didn’t want his feet in my face. Things spiralled after he refused to move his legs and he called me “rotten”on the inside” a “vile woman” and a horrible person and I was ruining his night etc. All for asking him to move his legs! He said these things in front of DS (12)

I walked off and went to bed, I had to remove myself from the situation.

This morning I tried to act as normal possible. I wished him Happy Fathers Day. DS made him a cup of coffee (he barely looked at DS and told him he had just had one)

Got the cards and DS made a few jokey gift vouchers. DS2 had made a little present in school, his main hadn’t arrived in time, he also had a history magazine and a gift voucher.

DS went to give him the cards and he would barely look at him, saying shall we just not bother. He had a face like a slapped arse, it was dreadful. I told him to put aside whatever it was was going on and make an effort for the kids.

He started another fight and I’m ashamed to say that DS went to his room upset.

I had to convince DS to come back down and try again saying that Daddy was having a bad day.

We tried again but it was dreadful, so forced. I apologised that his main gift had not arrived, I admit that I said “please don’t shout at me” I apologised for saying that as it was probably passive aggressive and I said please don’t be upset.

DH looked at the little pile saying that there was barely anything there.

DS stormed upstairs again. I had to go to work.

I text DH to see if he would at least take the kids out to the park as the weather was lovely but he refused. I even sent him free McDonald’s vouchers so he could take him to a drive through but he refused to attempt to salvage the day.

DS stayed in his room all day, DS2 amused himself and DH played video games all day.

Its 9pm and the cards are still unopened 😔

If it wasn’t Fathers Day I swear I would have asked for a divorce today.

I wouldn't give a f""" if it was Father's Day or not he ruined it not you. Divorce him his a miserable bastard

This.
He knows he has pushed you too far.
Abusers are very sensitive to their victims pushing back, even by their body language.
He will be vicious when he realises you are not falling for it.
You could ring 101 and ask for a marker to be put on your number and address as your husband is abusive, you are trying to leave, and you are very afraid of him.
Don't hold back.

She said about him working in emergency services iirc.

@ByCupidStunt why? Genuine question. I see a lot of people in here who don’t really understand what a council house is. It’s just a way of renting, it isn’t a free house for those on benefits.

Just a quick update- I’ve spoken to Women’s Aid via an in person appointment and they were fantastic. They have initially done a risk assessment and have outlined my options. I’m so glad that I’ve finally spoken to them. I should have done it years ago but I was too scared.

Housing - I can either stay in the house and get him out but WA did say that this can result in the perpetrator seeing the house as “theirs” and they could try and turn up all the time etc/ harass etc.

Spoke to my oldest today who was looking online to buy something for himself. He then mentioned that DH had given him an amount of money due to how badly he behaved on Fathers Day. So he’s basically paid DS off 🙄

Housing (continued) - or I could apply to housing associations/the council and declare myself “homeless” due to DA. WA could write a letter and rehouse myself and kids.

WA said that the housing association would not house me in the same area due to DA if DH is still living there. This is where it gets complicated as I don’t drive and oldest DS is in comp in our local area. I don’t know how he would get to school but could possibly get a school coach depending on where we go.

I would take it and move.

Great to hear that WA have been helpful. I reckon the further away from DH you can get the better - even if it means a bus for DS.
Stay strong, it must be very hard but in a few months you’ll be so glad you did this.

If you get moved they will help with a school (if anything like Australia they have school places in a few schools to get them straight back to school and uniform too) he will probably have to go to a new school, he won't be able to have friends over till you moved to a flat/house on your own (Australia called them halfway houses), I wouldn't worry ds will adjust to a new school they will know his circumstances and they will help him to adjust, the big part will be trying no to tell people in you current area were you have gone incase it gets back to your husband

Do either of you currently have family close by locally?

If HIS family live close by I would opt to move personally. As even if you get him out he'd probably stay nearby, still view the house as "his", try to push boundaries, have people interfering and keeping tabs etc.

It's a big decision to make but it's great you have options and support either way in terms of staying or going.

If ds could get a bus to his current school that wouldn't be too bad.

Don't be afraid to reach out again to WA if you think of things you forgot to ask, or have more questions for them.

Also, don't worry about his trying to "buy" the kids. Kids aren't daft. They may even go along with it as kids like money and stuff but deep down they know which of you is the safe parent emotionally, and he will reap what he sows in the long term.

Really proud of you for following through with the WA appointment and getting yourself informed over your options. Was a really big and brave step. Especially after he started to play nice again. Stay strong, we are all behind you cheering you on! ❤️

OP, try and stay in the house. It will make your life easier with the children.

Tell WA that you would like the police involved if possible to scare him off.

He's a bully, that all. Involve the police and get him out of the house.

He is abusing your children. Ask for SS to be involved.

The more services involved the better.
Let him see that EVERYONE knows exactly the type of scum he is.

Tell everyone that he was abusing and terrorising the children, THAT is why you are divorcing him.
Spare no detail of his behaviour.
Self report to SS if WA think it is a good idea.

You can do this.

I'm sorry but staying in the house could be a very bad idea, it means he is still near by and can cause trouble when he wants, he will act worse just to scare you into opening that door and letting him back in, you will be calling the police left right and centre

Nobody likes to move their child from a school they're happy in. But you must look at the bigger picture. And that is the safety and happiness of you and your children as a whole. It may be better overall to relocate.

We had to move 180 miles from our 'home' to a new are due to DH's work. DS1 was devastated to leave his school and friends behind. But he did adjust and made new friends and came to love his new school.

You sound well-educated and very level headed. Do read some solicitors' websites about how far you should move and how co-parenting should work. Don't be rushed into doing something impractical by a bunch of strangers on the internet.

https://www.newtons.co.uk/news/can-i-relocate-with-my-child-after-divorce/

Thanks ☺️ I’ve contacted a solicitor and will hopefully get an appointment soon to talk through my options. I won’t be able to move far - we will probably both remain in the same city just different suburbs so we are not too close.

That’s what Women’s Aid said, that it’s safer to move out as the perpetrator can view the house as “theirs”. That it’s better to have a fresh start in a new home.

Thank you 💕 He’s still acting super nice. Worlds best Dad and Husband. Our conversation the day after Father’s Day has been completely “forgotten!”

Hang in there OP. Keep planning whilst keeping things calm at home.

At least while he's in nice mode it's not too upsetting for the kids for now.

Kids spending time with dad when you split is something I'd say cross that bridge as you come to it. Eldest will have a mobile I'm guessing? You can just play it by ear and see what happens and if he works shifts then like you say the majority of the time they will likely be with you anyway.

I'd really search all the options housing wise. Write a pros and cons of moving or staying and him leaving. Personally I'd recommend a new house if possible. In an ideal world another housing association one but I'm aware they're in high demand. It might be worth exploring that further with W.A. and with your housing association. I'm imagining the housing associations will have policies regarding abusive relationship and tenancies. I'd find out where you stand. They may be able to either get him out, or prioritise you as in need of a new place. It's worth finding out so you have all the information before you decide what to do.

I have a child with Sen and just wanted to say please don't worry about the change for them of a split. They will be okay! I worried so much and mine did great. They have you to support them just as you always do.

I left the marital home.. Exh was more enraged than I could ever have hoped for!!

Like an animal- he's already marked it with his scent & that makes him feel as if he's king of the castle, regardless.

You scuppered his plans to dominate & intimidate you I guess!!