Horrible Fathers Day with DH

[WineGumm]

Horrible Fathers Day morning with DH - honestly dreadful.

Last night DH and I had a fight, he had watched 4 hours of WWE on TV and I had left him alone to enjoy it. When it had finished I made a hot chocolate and went to sit on the couch. DH was taking up the whole settee with his legs on top of the couch, I asked him nicely to move his legs and he huffed that I was controlling how he sat. I just didn’t want his feet in my face. Things spiralled after he refused to move his legs and he called me “rotten”on the inside” a “vile woman” and a horrible person and I was ruining his night etc. All for asking him to move his legs! He said these things in front of DS (12)

I walked off and went to bed, I had to remove myself from the situation.

This morning I tried to act as normal possible. I wished him Happy Fathers Day. DS made him a cup of coffee (he barely looked at DS and told him he had just had one)

Got the cards and DS made a few jokey gift vouchers. DS2 had made a little present in school, his main hadn’t arrived in time, he also had a history magazine and a gift voucher.

DS went to give him the cards and he would barely look at him, saying shall we just not bother. He had a face like a slapped arse, it was dreadful. I told him to put aside whatever it was was going on and make an effort for the kids.

He started another fight and I’m ashamed to say that DS went to his room upset.

I had to convince DS to come back down and try again saying that Daddy was having a bad day.

We tried again but it was dreadful, so forced. I apologised that his main gift had not arrived, I admit that I said “please don’t shout at me” I apologised for saying that as it was probably passive aggressive and I said please don’t be upset.

DH looked at the little pile saying that there was barely anything there.

DS stormed upstairs again. I had to go to work.

I text DH to see if he would at least take the kids out to the park as the weather was lovely but he refused. I even sent him free McDonald’s vouchers so he could take him to a drive through but he refused to attempt to salvage the day.

DS stayed in his room all day, DS2 amused himself and DH played video games all day.

Its 9pm and the cards are still unopened 😔

If it wasn’t Fathers Day I swear I would have asked for a divorce today.

OP, glad to hear you made a decision to separate.

I’m 6 months down the line, left my still H (no money for legal proceedings). It wasn’t easy but so worth it!

Just like you working pt around my kids, one with ASD.
Just like your H mine said to third person „I’m going to smash Tangerine’s face”. When pulled on that,he said „he didn’t mean it and he didn’t know why he said that”

Just about to move into our HA house.

I can tell you that the peace is immense. The kids are less stressed out (I underestimated the extent of stress H was putting on all of us with his behaviour) and so am I.

No more treading on eggshells around his moods, demands,requests,orders and habits.

Financially- I’m single mother topped up with UC. Enough for modest life (still can afford to take DS for pub lunch now and again). It’s so peaceful. Boys are thriving.

Go for it. You only have 1 life.

Wishing you best of luck 💐

Good for you @WineGumm 💐

You are doing the right thing for you and your boys. Your H sounds utterly vile. He’s not a police officer by any chance is he?

Anyway, there’s lots of great advice here- and hoping you get some good real life support around you. You can do this!

@WineGumm , yes you will be entitled to a portion of his pension, savings, etc. If he has the better type of pension (defined benefit) you might be able to get it as a future pension income, rather than as a pension pot. That could potentially be beneficial, as it will increase your income in retirement.

Well there's always tomorrow. Can't imagine being married to someone so cruel. Do you and your son a favor and end this marriage.

Read the OPs updates …..

you're a hero, well done for making this move to give you and your kids some space and freedom. it will be hard splitting up in terms of practicalities and him possibly being a twat but the joy and safety you will all feel as time goes on will be immeasurable.
your kids will be so grateful.

You deserve to be appreciated.

Well done @WineGumm on your huge decision and weight loss (getting him out of your life) plan!

Please be aware though that some blokes (and this one sounds just the type that would do the next bit) tend to go all sugary sweet and they turn on the affection, friendship that was missing etc. once they really realise that it's over. After that, they get angry and some can get violent with that anger. It's like it happens in phases for them.

My suggestion would be to see if you can speak with a police officer and explain all of the stuff he has done in the past (so they are aware of it) and they can advise you in case you may need to get a restraining order against him. If/when you're talking with Women's Aid, they may be able to point you in the right direction there too.

Sending you lots of support for the coming weeks and months.

Well done OP 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

I've been reading this thread and well done @WineGumm for talking calmly about the separation and plans for divorce. I suggest that you contact the housing association first, then women's aid and then the solicitor. The more information you have for the solicitor the cheaper it will be.

Good luck with it all.

I am so pleased you have ended it OP.
Stay strong he will no doubt play mind games and pull the poor me card.

Honestly, in your shoes I would turn the fantasy into reality.
I really couldn't cope with that behaviour from my OH

How dare he be such an immature, unpleasant bastard? Your poor sons! What was he really doing, OP? Watching wrestling? I suspect you interrupted something else going on and that's why he was so grumpy?

He doesn't deserve you or his kids. What a manchild. Pathetic behaviour from a supposedly grown up.

100% agree.
Phone victim support. They will give you support and advice.
Wishing you all the best.

Glad you've made the decision it's over @WineGumm , he sounds so, so petty and self involved. I'd swear man like him know the thing that will hurt you most is for him to hurt your DC, it's a double whammy because it's revenge because you love them more.
Be prepared Op, he'll become DF of the year once he sees how much CMS will charge him if he doesn't see his DC

Read all your replies now OP - well bloody done. Setting a great example for your kids and looking to a brighter future!

Great move OP!

Couldn’t be married to anyone who watches 4 hours of WWE but that added to his behaviour… no chance!
Divorce and be rid!

If it's any consolation to you I had divorce papers SERVED on my ex DH on Fathers' Day.

We were separated and I knew which pub he would be in, drinking, on a Sunday. He worked in a job where you couldn't access his workplace to serve divorce papers, and I didn't know where he lived.

I felt no guilt whatsoever. He was (and is) a shit father and husband. I didn't actually deliberately choose Fathers' Day - it was just the Sunday that it fell on for the process server to serve them. I don't suppose Ex even realised it was Father's Day to be honest and I don't care if he did.

@WineGumm you are a fucking hero! 🥇 I really mean that. Nasty nasty man. Your future self is already rejoicing!

Op, head over to divorce board for help on divorce process.
use the link to ADVICE NOW.
download their guides and read up on divorce process, financial settlement process and child care process.
do this BEFORE going to solicitor. After a fairly useless “sales pitch” free 30 mins, A solicitor will charge you £200 per hour just to listen to you , or answer basic questions which you can find out answers to yourself on above guides.
people on divorce board head off to solicitors and then wonder why they’re still not divorced after 2 years and have run up bills of £10-20k

ADVICE NOW tells you tasks you need solicitor for, what you don’t need one for, and where you might need one. It also links to a pool of solicitors who’ll do the specific tasks you want at a reasonable cost.

1. you need to understand the process for petition - which you CAN do now, it does not need a solicitor. It was designed by government to not need solicitor.

2 you then need to understand the law with respect to “fair settlement “ and how that applies to your specific circumstances - posters on here often say starting point is 50:50. It is not. “Fair settlement ” legally takes precedent and courts will prefer if that ends up 50:50 . But it is not the starting point

1. you also need to read up about the legal financial declaration process and forms E and D81. Until you have both completed those do NOT agree or discuss anything about your future finances or divorce outcomes. You need to be sure he and you both declare everything you have and you know that is correct. This includes property, chatells, savings, investments and pensions and more.

my advice is that you will both have to accept you will be worse off - it’s the kind of point of marriage to be wealthier as a legal spouse . The sooner you both accept this and prepare to try to work cooperatively the quicker and cheaper your divorce will be. You have to try to park the anger, until you’ve got the final order and financial agreement sealed by courts. Only then you can say what you really want to say.

finally, I found it really hard and fearful to think about divorce, until I was fully able to visualise my future. I found the ADVICE NOW guides really helpful for me to understand what sort of settlment was fair and reasonable for us. That then helped me to understand my housing options, where I would live, how much I would have to live on, and from that I could start to visualise my future. We fear the unknown. Replace the unknown with knowledge and fear will eventually subside

Oh, and I should say, sorry to be barer of bad news, you cannot kick your spouse out of the house . In fact solcitors will tell both parties to not leave until after financial settlements at least drafted legally and submitted to court ahead of final divorce.

there are strict rules about how you live togther but seperately for purpose of period between interim order and final order. You will need to follow these. It includes separate meals, shopping, banking, etc etc. it’s a pain but unfortunately there’s no real other options

however if he becomes abusive, call the police. If he is abusive you could go down the injunction type route through the courts. But it needs evidence and police reports.

Sounds to me like there’s more to this! Talking from experience. Like he’s trying to force your hand because he’s an absolute coward and a c**t. Save your lovely kids some heartache and bin him off 👋🏻

What a vile excuse of a father . My god ! Op id have left him long ago if this is what he is usually like . He sounds like a big baby with his wwe and video games .

Your poor boys , how sad for them .

Hope you ok also