Horrible Fathers Day with DH

[WineGumm]

Horrible Fathers Day morning with DH - honestly dreadful.

Last night DH and I had a fight, he had watched 4 hours of WWE on TV and I had left him alone to enjoy it. When it had finished I made a hot chocolate and went to sit on the couch. DH was taking up the whole settee with his legs on top of the couch, I asked him nicely to move his legs and he huffed that I was controlling how he sat. I just didn’t want his feet in my face. Things spiralled after he refused to move his legs and he called me “rotten”on the inside” a “vile woman” and a horrible person and I was ruining his night etc. All for asking him to move his legs! He said these things in front of DS (12)

I walked off and went to bed, I had to remove myself from the situation.

This morning I tried to act as normal possible. I wished him Happy Fathers Day. DS made him a cup of coffee (he barely looked at DS and told him he had just had one)

Got the cards and DS made a few jokey gift vouchers. DS2 had made a little present in school, his main hadn’t arrived in time, he also had a history magazine and a gift voucher.

DS went to give him the cards and he would barely look at him, saying shall we just not bother. He had a face like a slapped arse, it was dreadful. I told him to put aside whatever it was was going on and make an effort for the kids.

He started another fight and I’m ashamed to say that DS went to his room upset.

I had to convince DS to come back down and try again saying that Daddy was having a bad day.

We tried again but it was dreadful, so forced. I apologised that his main gift had not arrived, I admit that I said “please don’t shout at me” I apologised for saying that as it was probably passive aggressive and I said please don’t be upset.

DH looked at the little pile saying that there was barely anything there.

DS stormed upstairs again. I had to go to work.

I text DH to see if he would at least take the kids out to the park as the weather was lovely but he refused. I even sent him free McDonald’s vouchers so he could take him to a drive through but he refused to attempt to salvage the day.

DS stayed in his room all day, DS2 amused himself and DH played video games all day.

Its 9pm and the cards are still unopened 😔

If it wasn’t Fathers Day I swear I would have asked for a divorce today.

It's going to be hard OP, looking after a child with special needs is not going to be easy as a single parent but you will manage. Stay strong and determined.🌹

@WineGumm

As far as him going to Mummy's and getting everything done for him, just remember that if he lands there, she'll be doing for him what you'll NEVER have to do again! So who cares if he lives the life of Riley there, by no longer having to deal with his shit, in a way so will you!!

@Gettingbysomehow Sounds like you're talking about my ex, also an aerospace engineer!!

@WineGumm i second everything @Gettingbysomehow has said.

Document everything, screenshot and video every interaction. I didn't initially trying to be civil for the kids, his behaviour continues to escalate as his control descreases. Report everything to cover yourself.

Well done for making the first step. You've done a really difficult thing, be proud of yourself.

This is so sad. What an awful husband/father. Has this been building up for a while? You sound so lovely and totally reasonable, so never doubt yourself, however much he may twist it.

He clearly isn't cut out for family life, so it's time to think about building a future without him and working out how to share custody of your children. Your boys must feel so hurt after their thoughtful cards and gifts. Personally, the sooner you write down a plan for your new future, the better. You have raised two lovely boys and believe me, boys love their Mums very dearly and are very protective of them, so hang on to that.

You will have some challenging years ahead, trying to get your boys to focus on GCSEs, keeping away from drugs, staying out late, etc, so you don't need an unsupportive husband around making the whole thing worse.

What would suit you with access arrangements? Alternative weekends? Also Monday, Tuesday, Thursday & Friday with you, but just Wednesday with their Dad? (That way you will still be the main carer and hopefully have more influence in their lives. Make sure that their Dad shares the burden of the school night with homework chores, not just the fun Friday night).

Can you both afford to live in separate flats? The courts will most likely award you the larger home and more time with them. In time, you may even enjoy alternate weekends to yourself and an evening off in the week.

Please look after yourself and not let him undermine you.

Good luck.

I would say, @WineGumm , be prepared for him to start The Performance. This is a one-man show in which Poor Man Is Hounded By Nasty Lady.

Forewarned is fore-armed.

He may turn nasty and difficult, making it out to be you trying to screw him over and him just fighting for his 'rights'.

He may tell lies about you, and frame you to all who'll listen that you are unreasonable, a bitch, crazy, vindictive etc.

He may attempt manipulation tactics like claiming he'll harm himself, that you've broken him, that you're throwing it all away.

He may try guilt tactics like saying you're breaking up the home, you're depriving the kids of a father (nope, the twat's done that himself), you're turning your back on your marriage instead of fighting for it.

It's all garbage. Go back to your list whenever you feel that any of these tactics is working on you.

Stay strong, petal, you're doing this for your sons and your self. You all deserve better than the crumbs of this man's attention.

I've gone back through some of your posts and feel that you also ought to raise your concerns with Social Services maybe, if you think that your boys wouldn't be safe with him. Insist on supervised access arrangements if necessary.

Stay strong. I'm sure he'll try to poison your boys' minds with all sorts of rubbish, but they will see through it.

Maybe it would be best if your ex went back to live with his mother? Then at least your boys would be somewhere safe with their grandmother around, hopefully. Maybe they won't even want to see their father much.

If you think he may be physically violent, do protect yourself in your home - keep a mobile phone next to your bed. Hopefully he will be mature and you can come to a mutual agreement about raising your children jointly.

Today is Monday - and its no longer fathers day.

If you start divorce proceedings now you won't have to suffer another ghastly FD, birthday or Christmas with him ever again.

I’ve actually known a few guys to act like this round birthdays etc. One was a bit depressed so the whole “ today is a special day” smiley face vibe was just more than he could bear ( “ what? A few shitty little gifts? Is this what life’s about?”)

Hate to say it OP but the other was having an affair and the guilt made it easier for him to hit out and derail the efforts than to play happy families knowing what he was up to.
Not sure if either resonates?

Sorry just caught your last updates.

Im not a fan of the whole let’s let Mn bust a marriage they know nothing about except a heat of the moment post; but in this case, this sounds the right decision OP.

It’s interesting how calm he was…

Speak to your council and ask if you would be entitled to stay in the house. I really advise you to cling onto it as your home.

Well done @WineGumm I asked my husband to leave for very similar reasons. He went through exactly the performance @ClawedButler has listed, and with each step I saw even more clearly that I had done the right thing.

Being on your own with DC is more difficult in a practical way, but it's a lot easier emotionally - for them and for you - without a dickhead husband spoiling everything.

Get yourself a good solicitor (I can recommend mine if you like) and get shot of him completely. I'm really proud of you xx

Leave him. What a hideous role model for your child and a hideous husband for you

I sincerely hope not. As far as I am aware my ex has never had another relationship 😮

I agree with this. 100%

Really well done! my father was exactly like this - birthday, christmas , Easter , we didn't even attempt to mark father's day. when he died at the age of 69 the whole family felt a weight had been taken off. he too had an 'important job's (although my mother's was more important) but his hobby was spoiling everything he possibly could, while people outside the family thought he was a great guy. your life can only get better now 💐

I’m very impressed by your actions op

Man's a worthless chode your kids would be better off away from. Your poor DS12 :(

Glad you've told him it's over and you're taking steps to get him out. Good luck.

OP I've just read you have a council / housing association house. Don't move out!!

Get on the phone to women's aid as soon as humanly possible.

I'd also suggest calling to non emergency police line. Ask they log your call and explain to them he is abusive and you've told him you want a divorce. Can they put a DV marker on your address just in case he kicks off. This is something they can do, and it will be reassuring for you to know that's logged, and may be helpful going forward to have logged with them too.

For the love, please stop begging!

This is what he wants from you.

Total power play. And now he's doing it to your children

I am so glad that you've had it out with him. That took courage.

The Relationship board will always be there to support and advise you.

There's some very knowledgeable women on there, sadly many of whom have been where you are.

Good luck

@WineGumm Have a look here too:

https://www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators

What an utterly vile man!

Well done! Best of luck for your future with your boys 💐

Oh your kids, I want to give them a big hug. How could a dad ignore their children's efforts like that.

Really hope you get to stay in the family home and access all the financial support you can get - particularly given your child's higher needs.

Sending lots of positivity and hope for the future your way xx