AIBU to have corrected my 5yo on this?

[Coolcoop]

We have had a visitor for the weekend. She doesn't have kids, but really likes them and played a lot with mine. She was however slightly overbearing with the kids, using a strict teacher-like voice, and overall a bit bossy with them.

After dropping her off for her train home, my 5yo said "guess what mummy, I won't miss her at all". I told him this was not a kind thing to say, and to imagine what the other person would feel if they heard him. I also said, it's ok to think things like that, but not to say them out loud.

He got upset, so I let him know I wasn't cross, but somethings are best left as thoughts. But I then said, it's ok to tell your thoughts to mummy if you want to. But just think of others' feelings.

He's a very sensitive boy and normally gets sad when people go home, so I think he was surprised to find himself not sad.

I've since regretted telling him he shouldn't have said what he did - I don't want him to be ashamed of his thoughts. He's an absolute gem but he shrinks to even friendly criticism and I'm worried my correcting him won't help his confidence.

I'm obviously overthinking this but curious to know what others would have done or said? AIBU to have even mentioned it?

I’d have done the same.

”it’s ok to feel that way, and to privately say that to me or Daddy, but it would be hurtful if someone else heard that so please take care.”

Not a huge deal and child will probably already have forgotten about it.

However personally I wouldn't have reprimanded my child for saying something like that to me. I encourage them to tell me anything/express any emotions they have to me. Obviously if they'd said something like that in front of the person that would be different, but they didn't.

He needs to know that he can talk to you about anything.. no secrets. I had an aunty that I didn’t get on with, but the rest of the family thought was great. I spent my whole life being uncomfortable in her presence and thought it was just me. Sit him down and let him be honest and maybe have a little laugh about her behaviour… just to lighten the situation but also let him know that it’s unkind to let her know how you feel.You’re a great Mum and recognise he is sensitive..x

So the guest wasn’t within hear shot? I think he was very empathetic to know not to say it infront of her. I think you weren’t empathetic to validate how unpleasant he found the weekend.

I think you were wrong to tell him off if she wasn't there to hear him. I don't think he did anything wrong

I'd have just asked why

I think it might have been better to say 'X is quite strict isn't she? But remember she did x, y or z with you and you enjoyed that didn't you?'

It's always easier with hindsight though!

This . The 5 year old kept it in. … My Ds used to say that about Dsis … I honestly think he enjoyed the calm after her visits

Came on here to say that this is the kind of parenting pickle I also struggle with with my sensitive 4yo so I recognise the worry! I disagree with a pp that he's probably forgotten it already, might be true but if he's like my DC he might ruminate on the things you say. It's hard when they are generally sweet and kind and easily hurt, you don't want to dent their confidence and their self belief in asserting what they feel. I think you did a good job telling him that he can say these things to you, but that other people might be hurt by it. He sounds like a sweet boy, I'm sure he'll figure out soon the 'right' social norms of when and where he can or can't say these things.

You told him he could tell you his thoughts, after telling him he shouldn't have told you his thoughts? I'm as confused by that as he probably was.

You have inadvertently told him to keep his feelings bottled up rather than telling you as a safe person.

he didn’t say it to her, and a reminder not to would have been fine but you have invalidated his feelings.

His feelings are valid and he did say it to you 🤷‍♀️. I don't understand your issue he sounds emotionally bright.

Surely it's ok to say your feelings out loud to a person you trust.

I think you should apologize to him and say it's fine to tell you his feelings in future and that he did well not to show them to the person who would be hurt by it.

@AuntMarch Yes, exactly I was worried about confusing him. I realised after he got upset that I had told him his thoughts were unkind, so I quickly made it clear he could always share his thoughts with me and his daddy.

@Sirzy Sort of exactly what I'm worried I've done. And need to be mindful of this in the future.

I wouldn't have told mine off for this

Leave it as it is now and don't try to reframe it any more. He will only take it too sensitively and think it was even worse than it really is. The fact he picked up on her tone and was aware he didn't like it and wouldn't miss her shows how observant he is to the manner of other people.

Yes you have really confused the poor lad.

He told his mummy - his safe person - something that he already had the awareness to say in private then was made to feel awful for it, not only that, but he now knows he shouldn't tell his mummy something he feels is 'bad' about someone else.

If it was me I'd sit him down and tell him I was very wrong to have said what I said, maybe agree visitor was a little bossy and it is nice to be just back to normality.

And tbh really hope that works!

You're overthinking. What you said was perfectly fine and necessary as he obviously needs to know there's some things we don't say out loud, and you clarified he could say them to you. It barely warrants the label of 'telling off'. It was a conversation to guide him in social norms. I'm surprised it would reduce him to tears, as that's extremely sensitive. I think you should probably stop focusing quite so much on feelings tbh, and be a bit more matter of fact and relaxed about the need to correct him at times. Because a normal parent child exchange like that should not have one of you in tears and the other on MN worried she's done wrong.

Thanks for the responses. Your opinions have been thought provoking for me. Above all I want him to be confident in being able to talk to me about anything.

@HanaPales It's so tricky isn't it 🩷

@5128gap Yes extremely sensitive on any comment where he feels he is being told off, even though I use a matter of fact calm voice and reassure him I am not cross. I am working on helping him with his resilience.

I told him this was not a kind thing to say, and to imagine what the other person would feel if they heard him

He waited until she'd gone and she couldn't hear. It sounds like he already knew it was something that could hurt her feelings but felt safe saying it to you. I'm not sure he'll feel able to confide in you with stuff like this again unless you have another conversation with him about it

He wasn’t sharing his feelings by sharing his private thoughts with his mummy after she had gone, it sounds as though he actually did really well to be polite with someone he didn’t like all weekend and held it in until he felt it was safe, but he hasn’t enjoyed her company and needed to vocalise it. He sounds like an intelligent little guy. Hopefully you’ve learnt from your mistake.

My response would have been to be honest, along the lines of ‘oh I no she was a bit bossy wasn’t she? But she is lovely other than that bossy streak and it was nice to have a guest, did you enjoy xyz with her?’ And then bring it back to a positive if possible.

I think I'd be inclined to bring it up again with him at a time when you're both relaxed and it's a quite time, maybe when you're reading him a story before bed.

Let him know that you're pleased he told you how he felt and he can always tell you such things, and how proud you are of him because he realised that he can say it to you but knew not to say it in front of the visitor.

If he's sensitive I doubt he would have just forgotten about it, especially as what you said to him must have made him feel quite bad and that he should keep any such thoughts to himself.

You contradicted yourself - he told you his honest opinion and didn’t say it in front of the visitor.

It sounds like your son had good reason to say what he did. Just because he is young, it doesn’t mean that it’s ok to speak to him is a bossy way.

*quiet time, not quite time