AIBU to have corrected my 5yo on this?

[Coolcoop]

We have had a visitor for the weekend. She doesn't have kids, but really likes them and played a lot with mine. She was however slightly overbearing with the kids, using a strict teacher-like voice, and overall a bit bossy with them.

After dropping her off for her train home, my 5yo said "guess what mummy, I won't miss her at all". I told him this was not a kind thing to say, and to imagine what the other person would feel if they heard him. I also said, it's ok to think things like that, but not to say them out loud.

He got upset, so I let him know I wasn't cross, but somethings are best left as thoughts. But I then said, it's ok to tell your thoughts to mummy if you want to. But just think of others' feelings.

He's a very sensitive boy and normally gets sad when people go home, so I think he was surprised to find himself not sad.

I've since regretted telling him he shouldn't have said what he did - I don't want him to be ashamed of his thoughts. He's an absolute gem but he shrinks to even friendly criticism and I'm worried my correcting him won't help his confidence.

I'm obviously overthinking this but curious to know what others would have done or said? AIBU to have even mentioned it?

Never discourage a small child for telling you what he thinks of someone. He may come into contact with someone with bad intentions and won't tell you for fear of being unkind.

You’re overthinking it

I would bring it up again and say he’s of course allowed to tell you his thoughts and feelings. It would be really validating for him if you said you could understand why, too. Then, obviously just remind him not to say all his thoughts in front of others if they might be hurt or take offense.

I think it's important to start teaching them the kind/truthful/necessary triangle; if the thing you want to say doesn't fit into two of those boxes, don't say it.

I wouldn’t have told him off. He was sharing his private thoughts with you and that’s fair. If he had said it Infront of the visitor again and again and made the visitor feel uncomfortable then I may of corrected him. You would hope your kids always share their real opinions with you

You were so in the wrong here

I find it odd that you effectively told him off for saying his thoughts out loud (to you), then said that it was ok to say his thoughts out loud to you !!
I imagine you completely confused him because you’ve completely contradicted yourself.
My opinion is that my DD can say anything about anyone however nasty to me, because I’m her safe space, then we’ll discuss why she feels that way about them & what she could maybe do about it.

I think 'necessary' is much too subjective /nuanced a category for kids to navigate, surely?

Yes, I get your point, necessary is hard to clearly categorise at 5. But you can start landing it. The point is that just 'but I'm just telling the truth' isn't a good enough reason to say something cutting out loud!

Frankly I wish more adults knew this too.

Don't worry about it. The next time he says something like this you will respond differently.

I would have a chat with him today, maybe give him an ice cream or something and when you are sitting together eating it say "do you remember what you said about StrictLady? Actually, I agree with you, she can be a bit strict, but that's because she doesn't have children. But you were right to tell me you weren't happy. Sometimes I can make it better, sometimes I can't, but you should definitely always tell me"

Personally I'd have said well done for keeping that in until the person had left. And had a conversation about it so they don't think it's ok to talk just just anyone behind people's backs but it's ok to talk to me about anything (in a child friendly way obviously). However I don't think you're wrong for what you said. Maybe apologise for upsetting him and move past it ❤️ things like 'wrong doings ' (even though he wasn't being told off) stick in a sensitive child's mind for a long time. My 7yo is the same. Xx

You've basically just told your son to keep his feelings about someone to himself so if someone makes him uncomfortable or upset he can't tell anyone because that's unkind , also his feelings and thoughts don't matter ... Well done

I think he should be allowed to
express his feelings. If she made him feel that way, maybe she needs to hear it. Might teach her not to be so abrupt with other people’s kids

I think saying to keep thoughts to yourself is a bit of a difficult and illogical message to send to a 5 year old.

Appreciate why you’ve done it but that age will take that literally.

However you corrected what you said and told him to tell you what he’s thinking so I wouldn’t worry about it.

All parents do or say things and think “could have maybe said that slightly differently”.

I think the ‘why’ question here is important because his impression might be quite different to yours. Even with his own peers at school he’ll find people he doesn’t do well with and will want to talk through to understand that especially as he gets a bit older. 4/5 year olds are still a bit unsophisticated but by the time they’re 7-8 they’re having to process some really complex stuff about people and friends. I’ve had so many discussions re friendships, relationships with teachers etc etc. sometimes my child is being unreasonable and needs to understand that- other times she’s not and the validation helps her process her own feelings.

"...it's ok to tell your thoughts to mummy if you want to"

Which seems to be exactly what he did.

You contradicted yourself. You told him he can tell you his thoughts not a minute after telling him to keep his thoughts to himself.