AIBU to have corrected my 5yo on this?

[Coolcoop]

We have had a visitor for the weekend. She doesn't have kids, but really likes them and played a lot with mine. She was however slightly overbearing with the kids, using a strict teacher-like voice, and overall a bit bossy with them.

After dropping her off for her train home, my 5yo said "guess what mummy, I won't miss her at all". I told him this was not a kind thing to say, and to imagine what the other person would feel if they heard him. I also said, it's ok to think things like that, but not to say them out loud.

He got upset, so I let him know I wasn't cross, but somethings are best left as thoughts. But I then said, it's ok to tell your thoughts to mummy if you want to. But just think of others' feelings.

He's a very sensitive boy and normally gets sad when people go home, so I think he was surprised to find himself not sad.

I've since regretted telling him he shouldn't have said what he did - I don't want him to be ashamed of his thoughts. He's an absolute gem but he shrinks to even friendly criticism and I'm worried my correcting him won't help his confidence.

I'm obviously overthinking this but curious to know what others would have done or said? AIBU to have even mentioned it?

I didn’t really mean make fun, rather just a little chuckle 🤭… although I realise this needs to be done sensitively!!

Exactly. It won’t encourage him to speak up if, God forbid, he is treated badly or worse by someone in the future.

We had the concept of "inside thoughts". Things that were absolutely fine to think, but would be hurtful if said out loud.

I agree.

I think it was fair enough he expressed his opinion, and knew not to do it in front of her. He's only 5 but that's quite mature.

This.

Your dc should always be able to tell you when someone makes them feel uncomfortable. If he’d said it in front of her I’d have had the conversation about hurting people’s feelings but he didn’t, he said it to you privately. He needs to know that he didn’t do anything wrong. He doesn’t have to like everyone.

I'd have asked why , too.

This ^^

I think it is very important that you talk to him about it, starting with an apology for saying he shouldn't have told you that, when it was absolutely the right thing to do, and that you are very proud and pleased that he told you, and that he waited until the annoying lady couldn't hear him. Then you can tell him that you agree that she got a bit bossy didn't she, and then if possible offer him a little treat for Mummy getting it wrong at first. I do think that you do have to "big up" his good and sensible reactions.

I don't think he deserved any criticism at all. I'd have told the relative to stop being overbearing with them at the time. He will keep stuff to himself if his mum doesn't have his back on these things. I'd just have agreed with him. You are expecting him to have more maturity than most adults at 5.

I wouldn't have bothered having that conversation in this context. Clearly he had been feeling that way for a while but managed to wait until she was no longer there to tell you. In my opinion that was quite perceptive for a young child and he's already been mindful of her feelings (even if it was inadvertently). He told you as you are his mum and that is to be encouraged.

My eldest child is very much like this and I find I have to stop, think and frame my words in such a way that she knows I'm trying to teach her something rather than tell her off iyswim.

I'm iffy about you telling a 5 year old not to voice negative opinions about an adult. He waited until she had left and said it to you, his mum. He should be able to voice his feelings to you.
Seeing as though he is very sensitive I do think you need to revisit this with him. He needs to absolutely know that he can come to you about anything.

The adult is at fault not the child

YABU

You want your child to be able to tell you what he is feeling.

He won’t do that if he feels you will shame him for his feelings.

There was nothing wrong with what he did. In fact he did it the right way. He waited till the person was gone and then shared his feelings with you, his trusted person. In anything, you should have praised him for his consideration in not saying this to or in front of the person in question.

If he didn’t like her why did he play with her all weekend? Apart from maybe a few odd people, most adults do not genuinely love playing with children, especially ones that aren’t theirs and most play is instigated by the kids. I love my stepkids and nieces and nephews and play with them lots but if I could genuinely choose, I’d sit on the sofa and drink my tea while they amuse themselves rather than climbing on me and asking me for piggy backs 😂. I’d never say that though. What I would find irritating would be if a child who sought me out to play with then moaned and said they didn’t like me. Fine, cool, you don’t have to like me but leave me to chat with the adults then and ignore me. I feel bad for this poor woman who has made a big effort and then some kid make a rude comment. I’d have told him what you did too and I’d have said if you don’t want to play with her, you don’t have to but if you choose to, then don’t say unkind stuff about her afterwards.

I wouldn’t overthink or replay this with him. He’s not going to suddenly stop going to you as his “safe person” and it was reasonable to remind him not to say potentially hurtful things in front of the subject. It won’t do him any harm to have been a little bit upset and ultimately you’ll be doing him a favour by gently helping him build more resilience to this sort of thing. He sounds like a really lovely empathetic wee boy but he won’t go through life without ever doing wrong/being upset etc As long as he knows it was no big deal and that he can always talk to you, and you’ll always think the world of him - he’ll be okay!

He didn't say anything bad about her at all. He wasn't unkind. He voiced an opinion.

If she was bossy, it's not exactly surprising that he won't miss her. She should have been told not to be bossy with your children in their home.

My DP genuinely loves playing with our friends’ children (we don’t have our own) and he’s not ‘odd’ (or if he is then fine, it’s a kind of odd that he’d be happy with). They adore him back.

Anyway, OP, you did fine and some people are being harsh. You made clear what you meant and emotionally supported your DS. It does sound like he needs ongoing support with resilience, but, as you say, you’re working on it, so I’m sure it’ll come in time.

I’d just tell him you were wrong, it was fine to tell you how he felt, and you’re proud of how he only said it once she was gone and couldn’t hear it.

If he didn’t say it to or in front of your visitor, then even at 5 he’s already grasped the distinction between thinking something and saying it to someone’s face, which I think deserves minor praise rather than a reprimand.

I’d have used it as a stepping off point to a conversation about why exactly he wasn’t going to ‘miss her’, what was it about her behaviour he didn’t like etc.

What you’ve done is establish a situation where when an adult makes him feel uncomfortable, he won’t feel like he can tell you.

We all make parenting. missteps, I would use this as an opportunity to apologise and explain that I make mistakes sometime but he did exactly the right thing both in telling me his feelings and in saying it privately to me.

Maybe I worded it wrong. I do enjoy playing with them but I do it for THEM not me. So if they don’t want to play, that’s fine, I’m not going to be upset about it. My stepson does things a bit like this sometimes - he will deliberately seek an adult out to play with him, give the impression that he is having fun (and I fully believe him to be) and then afterwards will complain about it (usually the reason he gives for not liking the adult is that they are fat but that’s a whole different story). So it reminded me a little of that. My guess is the friend played with them to be kind to them and if the boy hadn’t wanted to play that would have been fine. No good deed goes unpunished.
And having a “safe” adult doesn’t mean you can say unkind things about someone without being reminded that you shouldn’t.

He sounds very mature for a 5 year old. He didn't say anything hurtful, or turned on the other person 'she is horrible', but articulated it via himself I won't miss her'. Be glad he can share his feelings with you.

Or you could have said: "You are entitled to your feelings - thank you for being kind enough not to say it in front of her - that was very sensible and grown up."

He has just done a good thing and gets a lecture - he absolutely "did the right thing" and got rapped over the knuckles for it when he should have been praised.

Go tell him how good he has been and you are proud of him.

Another angle on this OP. Your guest sounds like she was overstepping the mark with how she handled your son, and you sound like you did nothing to correct this. You let your son take the hit of this so that your guest’s feelings were not hurt, and so you did not have to deal with a situation you would have found uncomfortable in talking to her about this.

You sound like you have extreme people pleasing issues, which your automatic instinct is to pass onto your son, by teaching him he cannot say he dislikes anyone, even when they can’t hear it, as it might hurt their feelings. His feelings don’t matter and must stay hidden and silent, but other people’s feelings do matter.

I think you need to work on your own assertion of boundaries, so that you can teach your son that it’s ok for him, at times, to prioritize his own thoughts and feelings.

Yes, that’s a fair point.