AIBU to have corrected my 5yo on this?

[Coolcoop]

We have had a visitor for the weekend. She doesn't have kids, but really likes them and played a lot with mine. She was however slightly overbearing with the kids, using a strict teacher-like voice, and overall a bit bossy with them.

After dropping her off for her train home, my 5yo said "guess what mummy, I won't miss her at all". I told him this was not a kind thing to say, and to imagine what the other person would feel if they heard him. I also said, it's ok to think things like that, but not to say them out loud.

He got upset, so I let him know I wasn't cross, but somethings are best left as thoughts. But I then said, it's ok to tell your thoughts to mummy if you want to. But just think of others' feelings.

He's a very sensitive boy and normally gets sad when people go home, so I think he was surprised to find himself not sad.

I've since regretted telling him he shouldn't have said what he did - I don't want him to be ashamed of his thoughts. He's an absolute gem but he shrinks to even friendly criticism and I'm worried my correcting him won't help his confidence.

I'm obviously overthinking this but curious to know what others would have done or said? AIBU to have even mentioned it?

Exactly.

It is so important that children learn to trust their instincts and to be honest about their feelings. It's almost like gaslighting to tell someone they should be guarded about the way they feel. It could have led to a great conversation if you'd asked him why he wouldn't miss your friend. Kids sometimes see things that we don't. You might have learned something - about your child if not anything else.

So @Coolcoop now you know he DOES NOT enjoy his time with her, and you know it’s for good reason, what will you do in future?

Your son did the right thing - he told you honestly how he felt and he did so only when you were alone, so no chance of her overhearing. Telling him that he shouldn't say such things was IMHO wrong. If he can't tell you how he feels about an adult, who can he tell? What if it was something worst, something more sinister? You basically told him that he can think it but don't say it. I think you need to reverse that with him. You should also have stepped in when your friend was becoming overbearing with him. Safeguarding your child is your job.

I think he was very sensitive to not have told her to her face that he didn’t enjoy her company, even though it sounds like that was probably warranted by someone to step in.

You could always go back to him and apologise, explain you’ve thought about the situation and his thoughts were valid and he can always express these things to you.

If there’s a next time with this guest then be prepared to step in to point out her behaviour instead maybe? It sounds like the visit was more unpleasant for your son than her so it would be his feelings I’d try to spare in future.

You contradicted yourself - your thought is right, but chose your words wisely. You implied that what he said wasn't nice and shouldn't be done, "I also said, it's ok to think things like that, but not to say them out loud." Then you said "ok to tell your thoughts to mummy if you want to" that's what did, so why first imply he did the wrong thing?!! Your response would have been appropriate if he'd said something in front of the guest, but as he didn't you gave a weird mixed message.

I would be asking why and not have someone around my child they felt this way about especially if it’s unusual for him to say that about visitors. It’s giving red flags!!

Playing with kids isn’t something everyone automatically knows how to do so I’m saddened that when you knew she was being too bossy towards your son, you didn’t show her how to play more appropriately with him.

That would have prevented your second problem arising and shown your DS that you’re looking out for him too.

I think that he should be free to tell his mum how he honestly feels. I can tell my mum what I truly think and feel, as can my kids with me.

Absolutely.

He very kindly told you this after your first had left. You tell him off even though he was very polite and discrete about your guest.
You then post on here saying you DO want him to do exactly what he did do

You shouldn't be shaming him for 'unkind thoughts' either.
How are his thoughts unkind?
None of this makes sense.
You say much more 'unkind' things about your guest than he did.
Maybe you should be taking lessons from your charming child rather than trying to change him for the worse?

Sorry yeh you’re being unreasonable. He waited till she was gone and told you. Thats what you said he could do but you’ve just told him off for that. You should have asked him why. He probably wanted to talk to you about why she wasn’t nice to be around. Unfortunately now you’ve made yourself an unsafe person to share his feelings with and that’s very dangerous. He needs to be able to tell you everything. Not to be dramatic but what if he has these feelings about someone who was inappropriate with him? Itll still be the same thought of “wow I won’t miss them” but he doesn’t think he can talk to mummy about it because she told him off. Even now you’ve tried to back peddle. Defo need to patch that up very quickly and apologise.

Excellent points here.

Yeah I would have asked why and used the opportunity to explore the reasons behind that feeling. I maybe would have tried to pick out some positive things from the weekend too once we’d done that but to be honest that’s probably not right either as probably best to just let them feel the feelings without putting a positive spin on it but that’s something I struggle with! Obviously if he’d said anything in front of her then that would have been different. Also, sorry to go to a dark place, but if someone is being told they have unkind thoughts or saying unkind things about someone, then they are less likely to come forward if something really awful was happening to them in secret. Especially if it was being done by a family member or friend that they might be worried about saying bad things about.

You let your mate boss him about and then reprimanded him when he breathed a sigh of relief that she'd gone home!!

Poor kid.

I'd of said 'me to mate 😉 let's go and do something nice'

I wonder, OP, if your immediate reaction to try to get him to not voice these thoughts about someone is more about you? Are you a bit of a people pleaser?

You let this friend who you know to be unpleasant towards kids (though she may have lots of other lovely qualities too) come to your home for the weekend and treat your DS in a way you seem to know he won’t enjoy. You don’t stop her from doing this.

Does she also do things you find unpleasant? Or if not her, do you often put up with people who do things you don’t like without enforcing boundaries to stop them treating you that way? Do you often put up with things where some clear communication could change that but you won’t say anything because you think it rude?

When you were shutting your DS down, was that because that’s what you do to yourself all the time? Feel aggrieved but squash it and nod and smile?

This isn’t an attempt to make you feel bad about yourself, it just struck me that your realisation that your first reaction wasn’t actually what you wanted your DS to do made me wonder if maybe you could do with being able to tell people what you think too. I realise this is quite a leap from your initial post, so if it doesn’t apply, please ignore. You don’t need to defend or justify yourself if I’m off the mark.

We do literally the opposite with ours, they have an over bearing auntie and afterwards we always make a point of saying "X can be a little but chatty, thank you for politely listening to her, was it OK having her over,would anything have made it easier" - it gives them space to say yes/no/next time can we..... My 8 Yr old basically responded and asked if next time he could go to his room when it got too much, and we role played how he might say that in front of her so it's not unkind. It's important they can share who they are/aren't ok with, and they know you're a safe space for their emotions.

I wouldn't dwell on it though, just keep reinforcing the message that he can share things with you and that'll be what he remembers.

I don't think it was a particularly unkind comment tbh.

It's pretty much along the lines of "thank goodness they've gone" isn't it?

Doesn't mean you don't care & don't want to see the person again but the visit was long enough & you want your house/routine back!

Well, the fact you are thinking about how you react as a parent says to me that YANBU....we are all human and that would have been my natural reaction as well.

Thinking about it, perhaps you could say something along the lines of "well don't for being thoughtful and not saying that when she was here". He was probably just pleased to have the family unit back to normal, I doubt it was personal.

It was decent of him to wait until an appropriate moment. And sounds like your friend was awful so he was right to express an opinion about it.

I mean you have probably confused him now. He did say it privately.. to you and then you told him off but then told him he can say those things to you only ... Even I'm confused by that!

I don't think that they're unkind.

At 5 he won't have the vocabulary to describe what he actually felt but presumably saying he wouldn't miss her meant that he was relieved she was going because he found it overwhelming/stressful and wanted his space back.

Adults often feel the same about visitors when they're leaving and they can express that to other adults and most (all?)of them understand.

Yet you've told us she was strict and bossy. Its ok to think those things, just keep them to yourself dear.

Adults say stuff like this all the time. They talk about how much they dread events/ the company of certain people and how glad they are that something is over. They wait until certain people are out of ear shot and then express their relief at not having to spend time with those people any more.

Children express their feelings in the same way as we do, but somehow it’s wrong/rude for a child to do it? I’d be glad my child is telling me so that I can look at why my child doesn’t like that person/ limit how much my child has to spend with that person and even wonder whether my child even has to spend time with that person again. A lot of the time, children just go along with things, but we adults can put people we dislike at arms length and keep people away. Children can’t do that the same because they’re not in charge. I wouldn’t have my son spending time with her again if he doesn’t like her. Especially if she isn’t really anyone significant.

But I get it. People all around us judge us mums on our parenting and no doubt there would be people pulling their faces saying what a “rude little boy” he was just because he’s a child talking about an adult, so you was just I guess worrying about what others might think. But I think you have a lovely little boy who was just saying how he feels and didn’t keep it bottled up inside. He said it all in confidence to you.

You’ve just shamed him for being honest with you which is very wrong. He waited until she was away and then told you which means he does understand that it would be unkind to say if she was there so it was unnecessary for you to say this. You have to be careful because the kind of thing you’re telling him could make him a people pleaser in the future or worse not feel safe opening up to you if he’s had a bad day or if someone did something or said something to him that he didn’t enjoy. It’s actually terrible you told him to keep his feelings bottled up inside if he doesn’t feel safe telling you them who is he going to tell them too? Imagine you had a bad day at work or had a gallon out with a friend or just anything and told your partner and all they said was what you said that it should have been an inside thought. Different if he’s calling her fat to her face or something but he’s not he’s confided in you and you’ve just fobbed him off.