AIBU to have corrected my 5yo on this?

[Coolcoop]

We have had a visitor for the weekend. She doesn't have kids, but really likes them and played a lot with mine. She was however slightly overbearing with the kids, using a strict teacher-like voice, and overall a bit bossy with them.

After dropping her off for her train home, my 5yo said "guess what mummy, I won't miss her at all". I told him this was not a kind thing to say, and to imagine what the other person would feel if they heard him. I also said, it's ok to think things like that, but not to say them out loud.

He got upset, so I let him know I wasn't cross, but somethings are best left as thoughts. But I then said, it's ok to tell your thoughts to mummy if you want to. But just think of others' feelings.

He's a very sensitive boy and normally gets sad when people go home, so I think he was surprised to find himself not sad.

I've since regretted telling him he shouldn't have said what he did - I don't want him to be ashamed of his thoughts. He's an absolute gem but he shrinks to even friendly criticism and I'm worried my correcting him won't help his confidence.

I'm obviously overthinking this but curious to know what others would have done or said? AIBU to have even mentioned it?

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I think you gave him mixed messages. That he shouldn’t have shared his thoughts with you but on the other hand, he can talk to you about anything.

I would say his feelings were valid and he was sensitive enough not to say anything until after the visitor had left. We don’t have to like everyone in life but we should try to treat people respectfully.

It's a shame you told him off for sharing his feelings with you, it's something that should be encouraged.
Even at 5 he's old enough to know he can talk to you about things that he wouldn't share with other people.

His thoughts weren’t unkind at all, the friend sounds annoying and he sounds amazingly tolerant for a kid- sounds like you’re doing a really good job of raising a people pleaser.

He was polite and didn’t say anything to her face. I wouldn’t have told him off. I’d have asked him why he felt that (presumably because she was overbearing) and how he’d felt during the visit. Perhaps he was upset and stressed by her presence?

What would you have said if you’d had a visitor in your home who was unpleasant to you? You’d have said something afterwards, I’m sure, even if only mild. He was reacting in a normal manner. He wasn’t rude; he didn’t say she was a horrible person; he didn’t say he hated her - he simply and politely said he wouldn’t miss her. I think that’s quite a mature way of phrasing it.

I’d tell him you got it wrong and that you now understand that she wasn’t very nice to him, and that it was ok that he said what he said after she’d gone. I’d also let him express his upset/annoyance about the visit, and try to explain a little (ie she doesn’t have children, it wasn’t personal, etc).

Yep, this was definitely a parenting fuck up (no judgement, we all have them). I would bring it up with him again, apologise for telling him off and tell him you're really proud of him for just saying it to you and not her. Then ask him why he won't miss her and let him talk about it.

You told him off for voicing an opinion and then you told him he could voice his opinions to you. That’s a very confusing message.

Next time I would say something like "I'm pleased you're only sharing that with me.. X would be very upset if she knew you felt that way.. but I'm pleased you told me, remember you can tell me anything".

From a safeguarding point of view it's how we manage these little, harmless, non-safeguarding disclosures that creates the right environment for them to disclose anything serious in future.

You should have stopped her from being bossy

I think you should have told the guest to back off and stood up for him at the time. She was very rude to do this, you don't go into someone's home and starting bossing members of the household around. It disempowered your son in his own home as he doesn't have the authority to tell a grown-up to stop being overbearing. He did the right thing by not being rude to her, and then tried to tell you afterwards, but was told off. Agree with PPs, after his comment you should have asked why.

Easy to say after the event but the correct response in my opinion would have been praise:
‘ That’s really good you told mummy how you felt’ Then you could go on to ask why he felt that way - and about being kind and not hurting peoples feelings. Also praising him for being kind for not saying it to when she could hear. Depending on what he didn’t like about her, you could also talk about what IS kind to say to someone when you don’t like the situation you are in (I’m talking social situation here not danger).

I mean you told him his thoughts were unkind but you’ve shared your thought here that she was overbearing, bossy and strict? Doesn’t sound surprising that he wouldn’t miss her.

I think I would have just been curious and then validated his feelings. Sounds like you wanted to make sure the aunts feelings weren’t hurt but he hadn’t shared this all weekend or to the aunt so must have been aware of that and sounds like he did a good job!

I would try and repair the conversation and just explain that you were surprised but can understand why he felt that way and you are happy he shared it with you.

He'd done brilliantly not to say anything to your overbearing guest all weekend and when he pointed out the obvious after she'd gone you reprimanded him?

I wouldn't have reprimanded him, I'd have told him he was right! And that I'd be having words with the guest so she doesn't behave like that again.

A child who says they don't like an adult should always be listened to. Children should not be forced to be around people they don't feel comfortable with

Why is this rude? She was rude to him and he was getting it off his chest. That’s exactly what an adult would do. He wasn’t saying it in front of her he just told you. Children should be able to express their feelings. You could have praised him for being honest but for being sensitive to her feelings and not saying it in front of her.

I’d be more concerned with toughening him up than protecting his feelings. He needs to learn to take criticism. It’s a strength, it’s a very important part of life if you’re going to be successful actually. When my kids were that age, they had friends like that who were babied because mummy and daddy didn’t want to upset their previous darling, and those kids are the ones now starting to fall apart in high school because they can’t handle the feedback or the short shrift they can get from some teachers when they do badly and don’t out the effort in.

Just to add - in this occasion, there was nothing to criticise. He didn’t do anything wrong.

He’s very aware of hurting her feelings to have said it away from earshot.

I don’t think anyone at all in this story has done wrong.

I don’t think this should be seen as a telling off, it wasn’t. You gave your son valuable information that will help him. Not all of these types of conversations will end well, but as long as you do it how you did (balanced, kind, etc) he will benefit.
I have two extremely sensitive SS’s (13 and 15) who have been given very little corrective feedback throughout their lives (for want of a better expression) as they would cry, withdraw, etc; they have little to no resilience and struggle to cope in so many situations (asked to tidy, apologise if they’ve upset someone, school, etc).

Developing Emotional intelligence and being able to discuss positive and negative actions, thoughts, emotions will help your son hugely. There are so many ways you can help his confidence and feelings of self worth, but avoiding these conversations will not ultimately help him. Difficult conversations are an essential part of life and can help healthy development if done correctly - which it sounds like you are!

Don’t beat yourself up, you and your son sound lovely!

I would have acknowledged the thought, explored it and then praised him waiting until she was gone but reinforced that he can always ask to talk to me privately if he is scared. As an example...

"Oh really? Why's that? Yes I can see how that came across. Let's be glad it's just us again. It was very thoughtful of you to wait until X had gone so her feelings weren't hurt but if you are ever worried or sad you can always tell me. If it might hurt someone's feelings or you're scared you can ask me to come to your room and we can talk in there. Right, time for [lunch/shopping/other activity]"

I would have laughed my head off, agreed with him and then said make sure you don't repeat that in front of anyone else. Your response sounds incredibly serious. It must have made you at least crack a smile?!

His comment deserved a good laugh and an exploration about what he won't miss about her. He's clearly a bright kid as he DID remember not to say it to her face and said it when she was gone. At this point be honest with him, tell him that you were a bit shocked by his funny comment and got a bit bossy yourself but you would be interested to hear what he found hard-work about this friend. Reopen the communication otherwise he's at risk of not opening up again in the future.

Always be curious about your children first before worrying about imposing learning.

I think it’s hard in the moment. But he was expressing his feelings about her to you. If someone was bossy with me I would probably be pleased they were going home! I would chat further about why he felt that way. Plus she did t hear him say it. So it’s ok to express it.

He did absolutely nothing wrong. As PPs have said, the best response should have been to ask why he felt that way, and then to talk through that.

No wonder children cannot think for themselves, if parents are policing/mediating their thoughts.

He was perfectly right and very polite.

I would have said "I know, right", and then explained why, even though the woman was difficult to deal with, she possesses x, y, z qualities that make her a better friend than someone who says the right things and calls me "hun/lovely"