AIBU to have corrected my 5yo on this?

[Coolcoop]

We have had a visitor for the weekend. She doesn't have kids, but really likes them and played a lot with mine. She was however slightly overbearing with the kids, using a strict teacher-like voice, and overall a bit bossy with them.

After dropping her off for her train home, my 5yo said "guess what mummy, I won't miss her at all". I told him this was not a kind thing to say, and to imagine what the other person would feel if they heard him. I also said, it's ok to think things like that, but not to say them out loud.

He got upset, so I let him know I wasn't cross, but somethings are best left as thoughts. But I then said, it's ok to tell your thoughts to mummy if you want to. But just think of others' feelings.

He's a very sensitive boy and normally gets sad when people go home, so I think he was surprised to find himself not sad.

I've since regretted telling him he shouldn't have said what he did - I don't want him to be ashamed of his thoughts. He's an absolute gem but he shrinks to even friendly criticism and I'm worried my correcting him won't help his confidence.

I'm obviously overthinking this but curious to know what others would have done or said? AIBU to have even mentioned it?

I wouldn’t have told him not to say this to you either OP. As others have said, he was already doing the right thing by telling you once she had left.
However, please don’t beat yourself up over it.
we all make mistakes when we parent and it’s imperative that we do. Children need to see us make mistakes so they can see how we put those mistakes right. Just speak to him, apologise and tell him you were wrong to say it and that he can talk to you about whatever he wants. Tell him well done for not saying it front of the lady. Hugs all round, fracture and repair.

He does sound like a little gem though OP so you’re clearly doing something right!
They’re leaving from us all the time. This lesson will be that if mummy says something and she later realises she shouldn’t have, she will say sorry to him for it.
God knows I am not a perfect parent but I will say sorry when I mess up. We do it to adults so why not our kids.
Sorry, rambling now!

So the friend didn't hear his comments? He did well to not say anything in front of her. He is allowed an opinion, I don't think he did anything wrong.

If another adult is upsetting or annoying my child in some way, I would always want him to tell me about it. It's important he can say things to his parents without being told his thoughts are unkind. Your friend should perhaps have been reined in a bit if she was being bossy towards the kids.

Why are you letting a guest be bossy to your child/ren in the first place. I think your son done amazingly not to say something in front of her.
I fear you have now confused him and he’s not really going to know when or what he can tell you.

You were unreasonable, but you know how you went wrong and why what you did was contradictory.

Imagine if the reason he was glad to see the back of her was because she'd done something to him and that was where he was going with it before you shut him down for being rude....that's one of the reasons why you don't tell children to keep their feelings to themselves.

This exactly. He may now feel he can't tell you if someone is unsafe for him because it's not kind. Or don't bother telling Mum because she'll just invalidate you. I'd have asked my child why they said that and see if they come up with something that I really need to know about. You can still teach him to be kind at the same time as teaching him that he can tell you if something bad happens to him.

I know this was posted a few days ago, but I laughed out loud at his comment and it’s provoked me to respond.
We have all felt like this at times and I think he did a great job at holding in his thoughts until she had left.
I think I would have asked him why he felt that way and then said ‘Well, you were very respectful to wait for her to leave the car before saying how you feel, because it would have been a bit rude to say that in front of her. I think she had a great time with you and she seemed to really enjoy playing with you.’

If he had made a derogatory comment than I probably would have had a different discussion, but I feel like he was very thoughtful in waiting for her to leave before sharing how he felt about her going.

I feel you though, I am always reacting in the moment and then feeling guilty.

I usually just have a brief chat with my DS later and explain that I was responding in the moment and that now that I have thought about it more clearly, I think I handled things wrong.

In this case, I would just have said later ‘I was thinking about what you said in the car and I was wrong when I said you should keep those thoughts in your head.
You are allowed to have your own opinions and feelings and you are always welcome to share them with me and we can talk about them together.
Sometimes mummy’s make mistakes, just like everyone else. I am actually proud of you for not making our friend feel bad for saying that in front of her, but for sharing it with mummy instead. Sometimes, I feel like I won’t miss people either and it doesn’t mean they aren’t nice, just that maybe I was ready to say goodbye after spending lots of time together.’

People saying that you wouldn’t have told off your kid…OP didn’t ’tell him off’ there’s a difference between a correction and a telling off.

OP I think your son is clearly an intelligent and empathetic boy as he didn’t say it in front of her, so he probably already knows that it would not be a kind thing to say, hence he didn’t say it to her he said to you as the person he can express his feelings to. I agree that you maybe could have handled it differently but as others will say he will forget, it’s a one off thing :)

It's a bit of a mixed message- he didn't say anything whilst the house guest was there, so followed your 'rules' wasn't rude, but may feel was reprimanded anyway. Also though he's 5 and probably forgot about it quite quickly.

I absolutely would not have told him this wasn't something to say or feel, rather he needs to share his feelings with the right person, like you, and not to the actual person. It's perfectly ok for your son to feel the way he does.

It's important kids can tell their parents how they feel about other adults as that helps protect them from abuse. There shouldn't be anyone (family member, community leader) that they aren't allowed to criticise privately to you. This is how you leave the door open to any potential disclosures.

But don't worry op, one conversation won't set things in stone. You can talk to him more later when a similar topic naturally comes up.

Surely you want him to explain his feelings to you? He did it in private between him and you I don’t think you should have said that but rather get to the bottom of what made him feel that way.

I don't think that what you said was that bad really. At least not something that is going to change the way he communicates or thinks about you and the world so don't beat yourself up 🤷‍♀️
I wouldn't reopen the conversation because that might make it a 'thing'
Just reinforce what you want him to 'get' or understand from the whole conversation you had every day in other ways. Reinforce kindness and how the manifests in other ways. As well as feeling free to discuss things with you but also the things we might not talk to others about and the why's etc. You can do this in ways that he can understand without it being a 'lesson'

In your situation, I would simply have said "oh, and why is that?" first. That opens it up for an actual conversation/lesson that you can steer in any number of ways that lets you validate what he's feeling whilst also ensuring that such things have a context outside of his own space. That yes, they can be hurtful words if the wrong person hears them etc

I wouldn't feel too bad OP, it will be fine. Just don't overcompensate because YOU feel bad as confusing him would probably be worse than leaving it, learning from it and approaching it differently next time

I can see why you regret it, OP. I do think, especially for less rambunctious/spirited/forthright/confident/thoughtful children these sorts of comments can really curb their engagement.

If you want your children to be honest with you, you can’t respond to them in the first instance with a criticism of what they’ve said, even if you later say that it’s okay for them to tell you.

You should start by trying to hear what he’s telling you - which would seem to be that you basically forced someone unpleasant on him (even though it sounds like you knew what they were like). You should probably have started with an apology and maybe a discussion on how both of you could handle them better next time. Then add on the bit about not saying that sort of thing within the hearing of the person you’re talking about much further down the line.

@AuntMarch

I'll sit next to you on the confused bench.

@Coolcoop he did well to wait until she'd gone to tell YOU, that's impressive for a 5 year old. Then you told him off. Poor kid.

I wouldn’t have told him off. This person sounds like a PITA. Who does she think she is?

@Coolcoop I think it's a bit unfair to say those thoughts are unkind and I think confusing to tell him not to have them/they are unkind and then say he can tell his thoughts to Mummy. I think you've made it that he may not tell you his thoughts.

I'd do repair work here and say you were wrong and that you can see why he felt that way and those are okay feelings, and it was good he didn't say them while your friend was in earshot and it's 100% okay to feel them and voice them to you.

To me he showed incredible restraint for a 5 year old!

He’s entitled to his opinion just like the rest of us. He wasn’t rude or anything.

There is nothing wrong with telling them these sorts of thoughts should be kept private or just between you, better than him blurting it out to someone else.

My son has suddenly started calling people fat, he's 3, I can only assume he has picked this up at pre school as it's not something he has ever heard us say, and he obviously doesn't know what it means as he says it about people of all sizes, and we have to keep having a talk about how you don't say these things as it hurts people's feelings etc, hoping it's sinking in. I am of a larger size and he hasn't said it to me only passer bys, so he Def doesn't know what it means.

Your kid should be able to tell you anything no matter how rude or gross or illegal it is.
tou sow the seeds for future conversations now. You can teach them about what other people might say or think but that you are ALWAYS a safe space no matter what their thoughts are

For some kids, simply discovering or believing they did something wrong (whether they did or not) is an aversive experience and they'll feel 'told off' even if you've done no such thing. Just one of the things you'll need to navigate your way through with him. Other kids would just accept and move on very quickly.

I'd see if having another chat with him - reinforcing that he DID do the right thing and you're actually very pleased that he waited until she was gone to tell you what he thought/how he felt, and that thats a very grown up clever thing to do - is appropriate in the morning. It may help him if you actually say 'I got things a bit wrong yesterday...' so he knows everyone gets things wrong sometimes and that it IS ok!

I agree with most of this but not the making fun of her to mske him feel better

Just say sorry for your reaction - you were surprised by his comment but he should definitely tell you in private if he doesn’t like an adult and why.

This - you are assuming his comment was because she was bossy. It could be something else. My children didn’t like a friends child after he had left - turned out he has locked them in a room momentarily.
You need to ask why

Resilience is not the issue here. He's five. He's not supposed to be resilient yet.

The issue is you told him off for something absolutely fine - having a feeling and telling his mum. You shut his honest feelings down.

The correct response from you was 'I'm really pleased you can tell me about your feelings.'