For being upset at what DP said to his friend?

[summerOnes]

DP is asleep on the sofa and his phone was next to me charged up. He kept getting messages from his best friend, like one every second saying “reply quick” so I went onto the messages to see if it was anything serious so I could tell DP.

Long story short I’ve just read a conversation that went like this.

His friend “how was Amsterdam, did you go to the red light district” (we went amsterdam last week week)
DP “yeah there were so many fit birds there”
His friend “There is isn’t there🤣”
DP “yeah I’m so glad I went with (my name) otherwise I’d be skint🤣”

Ive come upstairs because I am fuming. He’s still asleep downstairs and I know when I mention it to him he will say he was joking. But would anyone else take it as a joke? Am I over thinking and just put it down to lads having “banter”

I would assume it was a joke, but then never let him go to Amsterdam without you, ever!

And this is why male misogyny exists because it gets dismissed as "lads will be lads" "lad banter". If we just go along with the "joke" we are just as bad.

No! It needs to be called out its not ok. 1. For taking about sex workers as if a piece of meat 2. Talking so disrespectfully about your partner and that you would openly cheat with a sex worker.

No funny

Is ‘banter’ short have for creepy misogyny these days?

And no respectable married woman, in a bar with her equally respectable married friend, has ever looked at a fit bloke and asked 'I would, would you?'

The whole set up of the Red Light district is quite gross and off putting, and I cant imagine any well adjusted, decent human being wanting to buy sex there. But - I think OP's partner is just saying what is expected of him, being a "lad" etc etc. If this is the only weird thing he's done, I would ignore it.

@FuckTheClubUp 😴 he was asleep and I did try waking him up at the same time. My name caught my eye in the message which is why I saw what I saw👍🏼

I don't really see what your partner or his friend did wrong. The only person who should feel aggrieved is your partner because you've snooped on his messages. If you saw that he was getting lots of messages which might have been urgent, surely you would take the phone to him and wake him up rather than taking it upon yourself to read his messages.

Whatever you say👍👍

To all those people saying OP shouldn’t look at her partner’s phone - I’m astonished. My DP and I sometimes share phones as there’s nothing on them which we would want to hide from the other person. It’s not lack of trust - sometimes it is just convenience.

Secondly, the DP’s response is crass and vulgar but it’s not a LTB moment. It is probably a time for the OP to consider her values and if they align with DP’s. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone who spoke about women like this but unfortunately there are far too many men who think this is acceptable.

YANBU for being upset. You probably need to bring it up with him but be aware he might just turn it into a 'how dare you invade my privacy' conversation.

Context is everything. In my relationship with my husband it would be a slightly ironic joke. A bit like me saying id run off with cormoran strike.
But I know for various reasons that dh would not pay for sex in Amsterdam. If I had any doubts at all that he might I’d be less relaxed about the banter.

That old chestnut eh?

This thread is depressing. So many women tolerating and excusing the low quality men they are saddled with, just because they don't want to admit they picked a dud. There are intelligent, interesting, thoughtful, cultured, respectful, enlightened men out there. I wish people wouldn't insult them or normalise the crappy ones by peddling this myth that misogynistic lad culture is what all men are like. It really isn't. They can, and should, be better.

Couldn’t agree more. The men in my family - all down to earth WC men - do not talk about women like that. “Fit birds”? If you think ALL men speak like that to each other like that then I feel sorry for you and your kids.

How old are actually? Sorry I'm annoying you?

Mumsnet is very vanilla. Surely OP knows if her husband means it or is just joking around

@beckybarefoot yes you are

I find it hard to believe that a woman would go and have a look at other women who are being exploited, as a fun past time.

You're both as disgusting as each other.

It might be in your circles, but it really isn’t in mine.

@SweetFemaleAttitude 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 shut up

This ^^ Absolutely.

I would seriously consider ending my relationship is my partner went through my phone and read my messages.
Its very controlling behaviour.

You went to the red light district and so you can’t be shocked that he/his friend is going to make a joke out of it.

What was the conversation as you were walking around?
Were you discussing the architecture of the buildings or perhaps the amount of litter on the streets?

I doubt you were having the same conversations as you would have been if it wasn’t a street full of prostitutes so you can’t really take the moral high ground here.

@Choochoo21 I am not bothered that he went and I wouldn’t have been bothered if he went if he were there with friends. I’m also not bothered he called them “fit” Its the fact he basically said if he wasn’t there with me he’d have cheated. What’s so difficult to understand