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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how to potty train a resistant 3 year old?

364 replies

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 16/06/2024 10:29

Yes I know there is a topic for this but there's next to no traffic and people who have already cracked this and moved on probably aren't looking at it.

My DS turned three a couple of months ago. We have tried potty training several times with no luck so far.

He is starting school in September and HAS to be trained by then. There is no other option. I have taken tomorrow and Tuesday off work so we are on day 2 of a four day window dedicated to cracking this and it's getting worse, not better. I don't have any other holiday other than the last two weeks of August which we have booked off to go on an actual holiday and will be completely ruined if we have to spend it hanging around the holiday accommodation doing potty training.

I'm at my wits' end.

He doesn't want to sit on the potty.

He withholds for hours on end.

He gets increasingly angry and fed up and wants to go outside and play. Eventually I give in and we go outside and it's only a matter of time before he pees or poos in his pants.

Please help.

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/06/2024 11:20

Marblessolveeverything · 18/06/2024 10:41

Keep going it typically takes 10-14 days of consistency. Keep inside, keep tension low and roll with it. That is what is required there are no short cuts.

To be fair you said you went out in day 2 before. Most of us have found you need to stay in stay the course. You need to wipe previous experience from your mind.

Clean slate lots of positive encouragement and no fuss when accidents happen and they will happen. You didn't just get in a car and drive or pick up a book and suddenly read. It took practice, mistakes happened and patience is mandatory.

The time we went out on day 2 was the third attempt. The second attempt we genuinely stayed in for a long time and it still didn't work.

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/06/2024 11:29

Oh halle-fucking-lujah, he finally broke the seal.

12:30 and he's had his first pee of the day. Great big one in the potty.

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/06/2024 11:36

I think he doesn't like having a bare bum and he withholds when he doesn't have pants or shorts on.

But when he has pants or shorts on he doesn't seem to be aware when he's about to poo or pee.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 18/06/2024 11:43

I'd be inclined to move on to the loose trousers stage. I don't think that's unusual especially with boys.

InTheRainOnATrain · 18/06/2024 11:44

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/06/2024 11:29

Oh halle-fucking-lujah, he finally broke the seal.

12:30 and he's had his first pee of the day. Great big one in the potty.

Hooray!!

cyrr · 18/06/2024 12:00

Welll done OP. Keep going.

As for others, why don't you read stuff properly before going after the OP?

She clearly said, they've tried a few times. She explained that one of those times, he did start to get it, but they put it on hold to go to their in laws house.

She then also explained that other times, they really did follow Oh crap properly.

It's really not that hard. Everyone coming for OP focused on the one time they went out to the PIL house. It's so frustrating to read.

OP, give it more time. Stay strong and try to stay in, for as long as possible. He'll get it !

I trained my DD this way, during winter and whilst I also had a baby. Lots of screen time though, it helps in these situations.

DontYouLetItGo · 18/06/2024 12:06

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DontYouLetItGo · 18/06/2024 12:07

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MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/06/2024 12:13

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It's not normal for him not to pee until lunchtime.

Pretty sure the reason he's withholding is because he fucking hates the "stay at home naked from the waist down for as long as it takes" approach.

I think we'll try shorts.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 18/06/2024 12:15

It's not unusual for a child to start going less frequently when potty training. Most days my 3 year old will do a wake up wee and then not go until lunchtime.

DontYouLetItGo · 18/06/2024 12:18

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InTheRainOnATrain · 18/06/2024 12:20

WhatNoRaisins · 18/06/2024 12:15

It's not unusual for a child to start going less frequently when potty training. Most days my 3 year old will do a wake up wee and then not go until lunchtime.

Absolutely this. My 3YO is dry at night so there’s always a big pee first thing in the morning, then we don’t usually get another one until 11am-ish.

GooseClues · 18/06/2024 12:28

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/06/2024 12:13

It's not normal for him not to pee until lunchtime.

Pretty sure the reason he's withholding is because he fucking hates the "stay at home naked from the waist down for as long as it takes" approach.

I think we'll try shorts.

Noooooo! Don’t do this! You’re making progress, why shoot yourselves in the leg now?!!!

GooseClues · 18/06/2024 12:40

At 3 years old he doesn’t need to pee every 2h and poop several times a day. He’s been doing it until now because he’s in nappies and essentially “on the loo” 24/7. Holding it a bit is fine. You want him to actually learn this skill too cause you will be out and about and the public loo might have a queue.
With my daughter, when she had pants on it wasn’t so much that she couldn’t feel she needed to go but more that she forgot she didn’t have a diaper on. They need to be bare bum for a few days so it kicks in that this is for real now.

I potty trained mine using the hated Oh Crap in a Parisian flat. We had play dough, kinetic sand, an obstacle course made out of random (washable) objects and a foam ball that could be kicked around without breaking too many things.
I guess you’re in France too. There will be other badly potty trained kids in his class having accidents at the start of the year so don’t worry too much about social consequences. But there’s not really staff to clean them up, especially if there are several like him. He’ll end up sitting in his soiled clothes for ages and get bum rashes, so you’re definitely doing the right thing training him now.

PrincessTeaSet · 18/06/2024 12:59

OP it sounds like you are doing fine. You have today and tomorrow and he has nailed the peeing at least. He can fine tune at nursery.

If he's not actually asking for pants then I would leave him as he is for now. If he is saying he wants to wear something then something baggy.

If he's going mad indoors then maybe do a trip out straight after he's emptied his bladder to minimise the risk of an accident but really it's not the end of the world if he does.

Is he ok about the potty now or is he still very reluctant?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/06/2024 13:26

PrincessTeaSet · 18/06/2024 12:59

OP it sounds like you are doing fine. You have today and tomorrow and he has nailed the peeing at least. He can fine tune at nursery.

If he's not actually asking for pants then I would leave him as he is for now. If he is saying he wants to wear something then something baggy.

If he's going mad indoors then maybe do a trip out straight after he's emptied his bladder to minimise the risk of an accident but really it's not the end of the world if he does.

Is he ok about the potty now or is he still very reluctant?

He has asked for pants a few times but I managed to hold off this morning. He's having his nap now. We'll see how we get on this afternoon and tomorrow.

I feel like it might be a good idea to put clothes on and take him out for a bike ride first thing in the morning because it seems like he doesn't need to pee then anyway. Will talk to my husband tonight.

Not sure whether to keep him home on Thursday and try to wing it with WFH. We have both kids at home on Friday.

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/06/2024 13:27

GooseClues · 18/06/2024 12:40

At 3 years old he doesn’t need to pee every 2h and poop several times a day. He’s been doing it until now because he’s in nappies and essentially “on the loo” 24/7. Holding it a bit is fine. You want him to actually learn this skill too cause you will be out and about and the public loo might have a queue.
With my daughter, when she had pants on it wasn’t so much that she couldn’t feel she needed to go but more that she forgot she didn’t have a diaper on. They need to be bare bum for a few days so it kicks in that this is for real now.

I potty trained mine using the hated Oh Crap in a Parisian flat. We had play dough, kinetic sand, an obstacle course made out of random (washable) objects and a foam ball that could be kicked around without breaking too many things.
I guess you’re in France too. There will be other badly potty trained kids in his class having accidents at the start of the year so don’t worry too much about social consequences. But there’s not really staff to clean them up, especially if there are several like him. He’ll end up sitting in his soiled clothes for ages and get bum rashes, so you’re definitely doing the right thing training him now.

Yeah we are in France. I really don't want to send him to school not potty trained. We need the school on side for other reasons so I don't want them to have any concerns about him.

How long did you have to stay inside?

OP posts:
GooseClues · 18/06/2024 13:32

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/06/2024 13:27

Yeah we are in France. I really don't want to send him to school not potty trained. We need the school on side for other reasons so I don't want them to have any concerns about him.

How long did you have to stay inside?

It was some years ago but 3 days I think. It’s a bit easier with a girl course I put her in dresses after without pants. You could try an oversized t-shirt that goes to his knees but won’t really work with riding a bike and climbing.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 18/06/2024 13:53

First you need to break his spirit
Then build him back up

oh wait this is about a child, sorry nvm 😁

Marblessolveeverything · 18/06/2024 14:09

@MissScarletInTheBallroom you are risking undoing any training by deviating from staying home and giving him a fair chance. Going out tomorrow and then nursery isn't giving him a fair chance, this is the reason it is failing.

GooseClues · 18/06/2024 14:25

This is off topic, but I saw your bilingualism comment up thread. In my experience, OPOL is as much a scam as “wait till they’re ready”. You already fell for one, don’t fall for the other. I’m saying this as a mom of a trilingual child. My mother tongue is very niche and most children of emigrants don’t end up speaking it.

I probably read the same studies as you and was into OPOL at the beginning but what finally opened my eyes (and helped my daughter become truly bilingual) was seeing the dynamics with teenagers in strictly OPOL families and completely ditching it.

Firstly, your main priority should be that your child speaks and opens up to you. The language is secondary. The last thing you want is to ask them how school was on the way home for them just to reply “fine” because they are tired (and they will be absolutely exhausted in maternelle) because they can’t be bothered to think in English after a day of French.
For example, I’d let my daughter tell me a story in French, say “ btw, x,y,z in mama’s language is called a,b,c”, then, if something exciting happened, I’d say “let’s call grandma and you can tell her too!” (My mom only speaks my minority language so my daughter is forced to use it.)

Secondly, you need to normalise bilingualism. Everyone speaks several languages and everyone learns new ones. If he only ever hears you speaking English then that doesn’t happen. You risk being classed as the “other”, the “foreign mummy” (especially, if your husband is French). If you’re also the default parent and do most of shitty stuff and telling off then you risk your language being associated with the negative feelings. (When I’m really pissed I switch to French 😉) The biggest leap my daughter had was when I started taking French classes and asked for her help. The second, when my husband started learning my language. We play language games, translate for each other etc.( The only thing we try to avoid is mix languages within the same sentence.)

Thirdly, it’s hard to learn to speak if you don’t see natural conversations. TV in your language is the minimum. Ideally, you’d find some English friends for play dates. Regular video calls with friends and family are good too.

Finally, they need to realise the language is useful and practical, and you need to put them in situations where they need to speak it to get something as a natural consequence - ordering a dessert on holiday, an English speaking child as a friend and so on. Luckily for you English is a lot more common than my language. Trips back home, visits by English speaking friends and family, events in English or just a restaurant with English speaking staff. The more he’ll use it with other people besides you the more confident he’ll get.

WhatNoRaisins · 18/06/2024 14:36

I don't get the absolutely no leaving the house thing. When I was potty training DC2 obviously I needed to do school runs for DC1. A quick trip out (ideally between wees) won't do any harm.

CecilyP · 18/06/2024 14:53

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/06/2024 11:36

I think he doesn't like having a bare bum and he withholds when he doesn't have pants or shorts on.

But when he has pants or shorts on he doesn't seem to be aware when he's about to poo or pee.

Great stuff. He’s got the idea and it suggests he has a lot of control and a pretty copious bladder! Hope this success will help reduce your stress level. Yes, I would try loose fitting shorts without underwear to see how it goes. I’d also not go back to daytime nappies and send him back to nursery in the shorts. They should really be more supportive in a country where compulsory school starts as young as 2.8.

GooseClues · 18/06/2024 14:56

WhatNoRaisins · 18/06/2024 14:36

I don't get the absolutely no leaving the house thing. When I was potty training DC2 obviously I needed to do school runs for DC1. A quick trip out (ideally between wees) won't do any harm.

Edited

That’s a bit different than going to the park. On a quick and boring outing they are much less likely to have an accident.

hockityponktas · 18/06/2024 17:09

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/06/2024 11:36

I think he doesn't like having a bare bum and he withholds when he doesn't have pants or shorts on.

But when he has pants or shorts on he doesn't seem to be aware when he's about to poo or pee.

Believe me, the oh crap/bare bum method doesn’t work for every child! I’ve seen it have detrimental effects. I would never advocate using a particular method as not everyone is the same! (Even when “methods” are followed to the letter)
keep going, follow your instincts💐

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