To ask how to potty train a resistant 3 year old?

[MissScarletInTheBallroom]

Yes I know there is a topic for this but there's next to no traffic and people who have already cracked this and moved on probably aren't looking at it.

My DS turned three a couple of months ago. We have tried potty training several times with no luck so far.

He is starting school in September and HAS to be trained by then. There is no other option. I have taken tomorrow and Tuesday off work so we are on day 2 of a four day window dedicated to cracking this and it's getting worse, not better. I don't have any other holiday other than the last two weeks of August which we have booked off to go on an actual holiday and will be completely ruined if we have to spend it hanging around the holiday accommodation doing potty training.

I'm at my wits' end.

He doesn't want to sit on the potty.

He withholds for hours on end.

He gets increasingly angry and fed up and wants to go outside and play. Eventually I give in and we go outside and it's only a matter of time before he pees or poos in his pants.

Please help.

Bribery.

Every time potty is used correctly you get a chocolate button.

He'll get It pretty quickly if he wants something more than the tantrum.

DS ended up gaming the system. He started controlling his bladder so well, he'd do a wee then twenty mins later he'd use it again and then twenty mins later.

My point is, find your child's currency. This is a reward game.

I tried that the first time. The problem is he can't go bottomless outside (we don't have a garden so outside is in public) and he gets so angry and frustrated if he can't go outside.

Nappy off, bare bum and watch him constantly. When you see a sign pop him on the potty (or toilet - my DD2 never had a potty in the day time!) and make the most almighty fuss when he does a wee or poo. It actually took us longer to uncondition DD to receiving Oscar award winning praise every time she toileted than it did to toilet train.

Sit on the toilet/potty every half an hour- reward with smarties/buttons/sweets/whatever they are partial to.

No reaction to accidents- just clear them up and wait for the next one.

Good luck OP. It's harder when they're that little bit older because they get wide to the tricks quicker!

He obviously is ready as he can hold on for ages!! You just have to persist, definitely use bribery and keep going. Get all the potty training books off Amazon, get a toilet seat for him and NEVER put a nappy on him (only at night). Eventually he will get it although be prepared for lots of accidents. You’ve left it too late if anything as now he’s three he has the ability to hold on and has strong opinions!! But he will get there if you persist and you may have to be quite firm with him.
if he has an accident make him take off his own wet things and so on. Don’t be mean but he can take some responsibility 😊

Attitudes towards toilet training are different in UK with a current trend for much later....I often think it's harder with more stubborn preschoolers then toddlers.

What are you currently doing- do you ask him if he needs toilet? I would suggest just taking him at regular intervals, big fuss and small reward for each success.

Are you using pull ups? Ditch these. Reusable toilet training pants can be good as they still feel the wet but saves your furniture.

Watch him like a hawk and you will learn his pretoilet cues and be able to step in before an accident.

Mine were younger (not bragging but smaller bums) and toilet with inset seat and stool was better than potty. Modelling toilet use helps then they are copying you.

On trips out we'd investigate all the toilets, did they have nice soap what colour were the tiles, was it toilet roll or sheets to encourage them to try rather than be nervous of new settings.

I never potty trained my younger two. Just waited until they asked. My daughter was almost 3 and a friend came over for the day. She saw her friend use the toilet and that was that. She decided she was going to use the toilet so we went out that afternoon and she chose underwear. No accidents at all . She even went to bed the 2nd night without a nappy and that was that. My son is a year younger. I decided to do the same with him . He was coming up to 3 1/2 and I thought I needed to push things on a bit. He wasn’t quite so keen but if he’d had a bath in the evening and was running around naked he’d often run and use the toilet . Same in the day if he had no nappy on he’d happily go and use the toilet. So we went out and got some pants. He was resistant the first day and on the way home from doing the school run he had an accident but literally the next day he put the pants on himself and again was pretty much clean and dry from day one.

i never had a potty just went straight to the toilet with a little step.

It sounds like you've waited too long. I would potty train at 2 unless there are some kind of special needs. Just go cold turkey. If he has accidents, he has accidents. He'll learn quickly then.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom research shows the hormone is coming later to children now there is a better understanding of different developmental patterns. Children back in those days were often shamed, humiliated and slapped.

There is plenty of research into the long term impact this had on the children as they got older. There does be a lot of rose tinted backwards glances.

Mine were trained at two ish, they spoke about the toilet were tall, this can help with the toilet and were dry at night. It is luck of the draw developmentally not particular skill or training.

Given you are in a different place with different approaches is there resources they have as I am conscious we weren’t in your unfortunate situation.

Thanks but this isn't actually helpful since I can't turn the clock back.

I tried when he was 2 and it was a disaster. I had a 6 month old baby at home but I wanted to try and crack it before the end of my maternity leave. By lunchtime all three of us were crying.

Rubbish. If you don’t like bribery call it positive reinforcement.
would you work for free? There are probably lots of things you wouldn’t do without some sort of incentive.
and yes, toileting is an everyday thing that has to be done- however it’s a new concept to most children when you start to “train” them and sometimes a little incentive, bribery, positive reinforcement works.
nothing lazy about it at all.

Lol 😂 Please teach us how to be perfect parents, oh wise master.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom put him in loose trousers with no underwear then. When you go outside.

Has he ever done a wee/ poo in the potty or toilet ?

It took me ages to catch my DD at the right time. But they do show little signs of needing to go.

So I would try bare bottom when you're in. Then, tell him to sit on the potty ( if he will ) before you go out. If he refuses, make him sit.

Then once out, I would bring the potty and watch him closely and sit him on it, when you see signs. Also periodically.

I know it's not nice, but it has ti be done.

Don't force him to stay inside for potty training. That creates a negative experience. Your best opportunity is when you're inside. So watch him like a hawk and force him to sit whenever you see signs / or catch him going.

We started training our son a week after his third birthday, after previous resistance, and he got it in two days.
I bought him a giant duplo set that he had wanted and placed it where he couldn’t reach it, but could see it prominently in the living room, and told him once he had done 10 wees and 5 poos on the toilet, it was his - in the end he was deliberately skulling water to wee again 🤣 but then the pattern was formed.

Carrot and stick both have their place in parenting.

Too much of either is a bad thing.

I completely disagree that it's lazy. It's a tool that's useful in the appropriate situation. Bribery is not a bad thing, it's a neutral thing. Use it too much and it does become a problem but it's not an issue if used in moderation (like anything)

Kindly, that high horse you sit on, can ride off into the distance. It's unhelpful.

DS does not still get chocolate buttons strangely. We discontinued that once he got the principle (and started to abuse it!) by which time he'd realised that potty wasnt a big deal and was normal.

He has survived. We have survived.

We say no to him more than most and we aren't afraid to be the mean parents where appropriate.

The point is balance.

How can it be both compulsory but, at the same time, he can’t go unless he’s potty trained?

If he can hold on for hours, then he definitely has the control to be ready, butI think it has become too much of a battle with both of you becoming totally stressed. Being determined to be done by Tuesday is just adding to the stress. Though it must be doubly difficult if the nursery isn’t helping.

I think he is quite old to be using a potty, so could you encourage him to wee in the toilet standing up like daddy. I would advise not having another stand off like not playing outside. Surely you could have taken the potty outside with you.

Not needed to do this myself, but have seen people suggest it when desperate! Buy a big box of small parts toys that he’ll love (Lego or magnatiles type thing) and put it somewhere he can see but not reach. Give him one piece each time he uses the potty.
As others have said, when he does have an accident don’t say “that’s okay” but rather “oh dear, pees go in the potty/toilet”.

Disagree with this tbh.

DS just wasn't interested first time round.

Second time round it was ultimately a doddle after initial resistance.

He does occasionally manage it. The last time we tried which was just before his 3rd birthday he actually had a really good first morning where practically everything went in the potty. But then after his nap he was desperate to go out and so we did but obviously he wet himself.

The next day my husband insisted on going to his parents' house for lunch and said we could continue with the potty training on the Monday (I had booked two days off work). That completely broke the streak and we had no more success. We rationalised it by saying we had another 6 months but now we have less than 3 months.

I really don't want to give up this time but he seems more resistant today than he was the first time I tried a year ago. If I hadn't had a 6 month old constantly wanting to be held I'd probably have tried to power through back then. But then I suppose if I hadn't had her I wouldn't have been on maternity leave.

You can't stop once you start. Think his confusing that would be! If you're going to your in-laws for lunch you continue potty training there, and if he has an accident you deal with it. If their house is all carpets just don't go until he's trained.

It sounds like he can do it and is ready, he's just being stubborn. It's tough, but you have to just get on with it.

This is a very useful website, eric.org.uk I know you're not in the UK but for anyone else interested they also have a helpline.

Agree! Buy lots of cheap toys, sets you can split up/charity shops etc, maybe a couple of "better" things. Wrap up, put in a box, show him. These are potty presents! How exciting! He can choose one when he wees or poos on the potty (toilet) - what lucky boy! Engineer his choice so he gets a good one for the first couple of goes to get him into it. If he wets himself instead no problem, you don't care, you're blasé about the whole thing. No pressure.

The school have said they can't legally refuse to take him but it's going to be pretty awful for him if he can't use the toilet when the other children can.

And yes we can take the potty outside. What we can't do is let him run around with no pants on.