To think it's not right that DD(19) has a 61 year old mum

[LornaDuh]

Don't know why it's just hit me at 10.45 on a Saturday night in June.

Just feels weird that a girl not yet out of her teens has a mum over 60!

that will be me!
but I actually know quite a few mums similar age to me with kids also a similar age. Met them all at toddler groups and we just kind of gravitated towards each other lol.

It’s the way it is OP, just different. I found it awful having younger parents as not a very secure upbringing which has had a negative impact but you can’t win as a parent, just do your best with the hand you have.

You are the Yin to my Yang, don't sweat it.

I had my daughter at 40, she’s currently 28 I’m 68. She is 20 years younger than my older daughter. We are very close.

I had my DD at 41. She's the apple of my eye. However I'm now 67 and look after her 2 year old to allow her to work part-time. It's very tiring at times. He will however be going to nursery 5 days a week when he's 3.

67 is a pretty normal, average age though to be a grandparent of a 2 year old? If my mum had me at 31 and I had my first child at 33 (fairly average ages and not really “older”) then that would make her 67 when my child was 2…

Wait until you're 67 and running after a 2 year old. I think you'll find it tiring. Would be interesting to hear your mum's thoughts on it.

I don't think it's very old to be a first time grandparent at 65 (and be 67 when the grandchild is 2,) but it's a bit older than average IMO. Many people I know/have known have had their first grandchild by 55-56.

Yeah this. I wouldn't fancy running around after a 2 year old at 67! My DD is 30 and I am nearly 60, and she had no plans for having babies yet. Said she may have a child one day, but not for several years (she has been married 2 years.)

I said to her 'that's fine, you wait til you're 35-36 if you want, but just know this... The longer you leave it, the less likely you are to get help from me looking after her/him.' eg, I was much more fit and energetic at 50 than I am at 60. I am more weary now, and I get tired and worn down easier. Also, my joints are more painful than they were 10 years ago, and I have ailments that I never had then.

If she leaves it til she's say, 37 - and I am 67, I may be at a point where I will struggle to run around after, and pick up a 2 year old should I need to. So the longer she leaves it, the less help she will get from me sadly...

I'm proud that I am 40 years older than my son. That was really hard! But I did it, did it well, and raised a great kid!

But yeah, a 19 y.o. having a 61 year old mum is the exception rather than the rule. (Except on mumsnet where a third of the posters seem to have at least 2 babies in their 40s!)

Speak for yourself. That depends entirely on your circumstances. It’s absolutely the norm among my social group and at my kids’ school gate. Virtually no one had kids before 35 and early 40s was completely normal. Someone who had kids in their early 20s would have stood out as “the exception” here.

I just asked my 18 year old youngest son how he feels about having a 61yo mother. He looked at me like I was crazy and said “But you’re not 61”! (I am 61). 😂

I had my eldest at 20 so was 39 when she turned 19. I had my youngest at 38 so will be 57 when he turns 19!

Out the two I preferred being a younger mum I had so much energy.

Also apart from the 2 year old I look after I have 4 other GC aged 3,5,6 and 7. They were born when their mums were in their mid thirties.

Im 38 this year my oldest is 21 years my youngest is 19 years old.

I just asked my 18 year old youngest son how he feels about having a 61yo mother. He looked at me like I was crazy and said “But you’re not 61”! (I am 61). 😂

😂

Anyone over 25 is getting on in the eyes of my DD and her friends!

I'm up for being an involved gran at 67 and beyond. Bring it on - I'll nap when the grandchild naps 😊

Im 61, my amazing daughter is 15. The only weird thing here is your outdated and frankly offensive view. I hope you think about it and feel ashamed.

There’s your answer then - she sees no difference between 61yo you and 41yo bf’s mum. Win! 😂

I’m still 30 in my head. Sometimes I forget that’s not what other people see when they look at me!

Growing up I didn't notice that my mum was only 21 year when she had me. She didn't seem younger at all compared to other parents. Parents all seem quite ancient. They're not cool friends to hang out with anyway, they're parents. My mum is 60 now and I do notice a difference between her and some of my friends parents knocking on 80 and in wheelchairs but most of the older parents are still in fairly good health. A lot of the unwell parents had bad lifestyle choices.

Maybe read the full thread before commenting. And even then, there's no need to be rude. And, no, I don't feel ashamed. Just lucky.

Honestly, I do feel kids with younger parents are very lucky and blessed in many ways, that kids of older parents aren't.

They will likely (statistically speaking, not based on individual dubious Super Granny Who Could Outrun A Cheetah in her 90s anecdotes) be blessed for the rest of their life and even their own parenthood (parents as grandparents!), in a way the children of older parents will not.

Obviously there are other factors like parents' finances, personality, etc, but belonging in an active, healthy and loving extended family unit brings richness and completion to adulthood. Not to mention sans the stressors of being an early carer essentially.

I don't think accepting that is shaming (though I understand why older parents get very defensive). I think it's just a helpless observation in the face of societal structures that are pushing parenthood to an unsustainably old age (e.g. such that many older parents will NEVER get to meet their primary aged grandkids).

For example, I generally think it's better for kids' wellbeing to have more financially OK parents, but that's obviously not a personal condemnation of poorer parents at all!

I also think the cutoff point for when it's viewed as ethical vs unethical to have children is getting pushed later and later, but not in a way that's commensurate with the advancement of medical sciences. While advancements have been made, dementia and other ageing issues remain huge quality of life problems for many people.

E.g. In the last 10 years, the average UK childbearing mother's age has increased by 2 years, but life expectancy has increased only by 0.1 years in the UK.

It will be the children (as teens or young adults) who will have to deal with the problem of their ageing parents.

What an awful and offensive view. I see younger parents all the time who’s behaviour sets an awful example to children. Often people say ‘ What chance have those kids got’ Older parents are often better parents, more mature, better able to deal with life’s difficulties and yes, financially stable. There are of course many good younger parents, but being older doesn’t make you less able. Children still have extended families and grow up with many many friends. Good parents encourage this. And I’m not being defensive. It is shaming and ignorant. Many children are lucky to have older parents.

Even when some of those parents (eg those who had kids in their 50s) are dead by the time the kids are in their 20s, or perhaps wheelchair bound by the time their kids are teens? (Super Granny anecdotes aside – I mean realistically/statistically healthwise.)

Look, I understand why some people may take it personally and be defensive, but I don't think it's shaming to say societal structures aren't exactly ideal. Among other factors, the housing situation is so bad in the UK that many of my peers put off having children years and even decades (!) later than they would like to.

I'm from somewhere with universal housing (sort of like the NHS for housing) so I guess I see how societal factors play into differences in our choices. I don't mean to sound superior but it's like how someone in the UK might say "it's not right (mainly towards the children!) that people in the US have to put off having children for 10-30 years because of lack of health insurance and their lack of paid parental leave or even any statutory leave". Not shaming really, just a sympathetic observation on how society has failed us in many ways.

You do sound superior. (and patronising ) Yes it is shaming. A one sided view that’s far from reality.

The average age to have a first child these days is past 35 in the UK. Having kids young is a thing of the past - these days families need to complete education, buy a home and become secure in careers first which takes much longer than previous generations anyway. You will have more in common with your DDs cohort than your own perhaps but that could be a great thing as a parent : )