To resign over a wedding?

[dancingrainbows]

It seems a bit crazy, but I work as a teacher.

A close relative has decided to get married on a Monday and I work Mondays. My school does not allow time off (even unpaid) for events like this at all, it just isn’t permitted.

My options are

1. Lie - my worry with this is that if I am ‘caught’ the repercussions are serious.
2. Resign. If I handed my notice in now I could leave at Christmas.

i don’t actually think I’d have a problem getting a new teaching job but I am currently part time and don’t want to lose this - it’s rare PT posts are advertised - and also getting settled in again somewhere is a pain. It’s a WWYD really. By the way I know not all schools are as inflexible as my current one but it really is.

I'd be mortified if I found out someone quit their job to come to my wedding.

Have you actually asked? I worked in Higher education and we were also forbidden time off in term time. My relative in America decided to get married and it would have meant the last day of term off and it was exam results day. I did ask and by some miracle they let me take the day off and I fly out on the morning of exam results day. I have no idea why they let me and it was against school policy. I was also upgraded to business class. Just ask and then go from there. In this day and age of social media I wouldn’t lie and go to an event.

just throw a sickie.

It makes me so cross that (some) schools are so inflexible about things like this - Of COURSE you want to go to this family wedding and OF COURSE your HT would be unreasonable to forbid it.
OF COURSE you can't call in sick (and I despair of people who think this would even be an option) and you have explained why you can't just go fr the evening.

It is such a short-sighted view, particularly as teacher recruitment and retention is in such crisis at the moment. Morale would be hugely raised if more Heads were like mine. He would certainly allow it and does for many more "minor" things such as teachers' own children's sports days/performances etc. He took my class for the morning once so I could take my DD to the airport for her to go off travelling for a year. Staff even take time off for holidays. The result is that we are fiercely loyal to him and the school and rarely leave.

The school sounds awful anyway. Even without the wedding the fact that you can't ever take p and p or go to hospital appointments is ridiculous. You don't sound like you are desperate for money so can afford to spend time job hunting. Just resign. Personally I would also first ask for the time off. When they say no just hand in your notice but make sure you do it on the last possible day. This headteacher needs to understand he or she is part of the reason so many people quit teaching.

I would be open and tell them you’re resigning and this is the reason. They may then decide that it’s too much hassle to have to hire someone new and let you have the day off. You could tell them you’ll reapply for your own job!

I had a similar situation - I’m retiring this year, I wanted to go in autumn but wanted the whole of July off as holiday which I knew my boss would say no too. So I resigned in March and was open about the reason why. Hey presto, boss agreed to the holiday and I’m not retiring till the end of November!

That's great, @SilkFloss , he's obviously managed the budget very well, because ours is cut to the bone and there's no way these things would be allowed for budget reasons.
Our solution is to cover for each other in these circumstances as a quid pro quo.

Most people wouldn’t consider resigning to attend a wedding. If you’re happy to consider it then that’s you doing you. But I’d definitely weigh up the pros and cons both long and short term when you’re making your decision. It might be lovely to go but only do it if you’re sure it’s not going mess up other aspects of your life later on!

if you decide not to resign and can’t go it would be very unfair for the family to push disappointment on to you. It’s reasonable to have a wedding on a Monday with costs being as they are, it’s becoming increasingly common, but in doing so the bride and groom and wider family have to accept that some people will not be able to go.

I had my wedding on a weekday for these reasons. And a friend couldn’t go as she was a teacher. Due to distance she was able to attend. But I would never have dreamt to criticise her or show any disappointment at her not being able to go. I respected her job and the constraints on it and she respected our decision to hold our wedding on the day we chose

it sounds like you are respecting the bride and grooms decision and so the wider family need to show you the same.

How close are you to the bride and groom? Could you talk to them directly and then any family that talk about it negatively to you, you have the b&g support? You can just give a stock answer that you’ve sorted it with the bride and groom and shut the discussion down?

What happens if you quit, get another job and then there’s another wedding you need a day off for…? Would you just keep quitting jobs?

Personally, I think it’s crazy quitting a job to attend a wedding unless this is the straw that broke the camels back. You need to consider that you may not find another part time role. Or if you do will you be sharing with a supply and therefore doing the bulk of the work anyway but on part time hours?

If you get another job will you need to change your working days? How easy is it to change nursery days if needed? What are DH thoughts in you quitting? Will you need to give up a nursery place due to finances and then will you get a place again if you get another job?

With this much notice any reasonable employer should be able to manage leave for a valued member of staff. If they can't they are piss-poor managers. Which they obviously are - they have no goodwill to draw on from their pool of staff members exactly because of this sort of bullshit.

I realise schools can behave like this, more than is acceptable with other employers, but they need to know that it is more trouble that it is worth to be that inflexible.
I agree with all the PPs who said that you should face this head on:

ask for the leave
make sensible suggestions for cover and offer to help with whichever they prefer
explain that you will be going to the wedding and resigning if necessary
if they say no, resign and cc governors

They need to know that their policies are losing them staff.

You can bet everyone else is off sick for occasions like that if they're so inflexible.

My school would have allowed it without pay as they would have to pay a supply teacher

I would ask first if you can have it without pay. Don't tell the date unless they say yes . Then take it off sick. They won't remember a date next year

Also, do not call in sick. If found out you will jeopardise your chance of ever getting another job.

but you don't give up weeks of pay, you just change jobs and carry on

Have the conversation.
School should be more flexible to retain staff: the cost in time and resources and the disruption for the children is much greater than giving staff some flexibility.
If they would rather go through recruitment and lose you permanently then I guess that's another reason to get a new job

Call in sick and just be super careful with social media. Or just tell them, you don’t really have a massive amount to lose. In five years time you won’t care if you missed a day of work, you probably will care that you missed a close family member’s wedding. It’s insanity that teachers feel like this but it’s the reality. I have had full blown arguments with my boss over attending my kids school events and have been berated multiple times for medical appointments. Do what is the easiest for you, do what will cause you the least amount of stress. I’m in London and there is such a massive shortage that in your shoes I would quit if I had to, knowing full well that I could get agency work to fill a gap until I found another permanent job.

@dancingrainbows

Could your Union help, OP? Initially to advise and taking it from there.

Yes this.

Your family is really really weird. Don't encourage their madness

Are lots of them
Unemployed?

And your husband has no excuse for not understanding this incredibly simple concept

I've been a teacher and member of SLT and have worked in schools where I wouldn't even ask, to where I'd probably have been given the day off.

But of those schools I'd have been given the day, I've absolutely seen it snowball and the headteacher has hugely regretted it and often had to revise policies on giving time off.

Sandra is given a day off for a wedding, so Tim asks for a day because his half term holiday flights are Friday to Friday, so Joan asks to leave at lunch time on a Thursday as she has concert tickets and needs to travel there... Because you've said yes to one, you can't start saying no. On top of covering sickness, funeral leave, parental leave emergencies, cover for courses, etc, it just becomes rediculously.

As a teacher, I accepted I had no flexibility in my holidays, and in return I got all the school holidays and the flexibility to leave by 3.45 if I really needed to on occasion.

Your relative has absolutely booked a Monday wedding to save themselves money with no regard for the majority of their guests. As it happens, a Monday wedding would totally suit my working week in my current career, but for most people it will mean one or two days unpaid leave (or using up holiday days).

I've missed weddings as a teacher (friends and DHs family which he went to alone), but I'd never have had a close relative book a weekday wedding if they actually wanted me there. We just wouldn't do this in my family. And if they did, I'd just let them know that I couldn't make it - that's their problem, not mine to worry about.

Have you thought about a conversation along the lines of 'I won't be here on Monday the ... of ...... I understand I will not be paid for the day and I will plan the lessons.'

Express regret for the disruption but present it as a fait accompli?

if the workplace no longer suits you you are free to resign. Yes you knew the deal - but the deal is no longer working, so you can find a new one.

You should however consider whether you are harming yourself more than improving your situation.

If this is the only thing about the place that you don’t like - it’s a massive move to resign over it. But I expect that there are other things that aren’t rosy there.

Would you be ok with not having another PT position? Having a longer than you’d like period of unemployment while you find a new place?

I’ve left jobs when they no longer worked for me. It’s a risk going somewhere new - but it’s also a risk staying! I had a job with a lot of flexibility, and a new boss removed that flexibility - when they forced the issue I resigned.

Also - it’s not reasonable for your family to not understand. They should not be asking you to resign to attend a wedding! That’s crazy! But if YOU want to change jobs, that’s reasonable.

Regardless of whether you resign over this wedding, I would look for another job anyway. There are far more flexible schools out there, including mine and many that my friends work in too.

My school and management aren’t perfect, but my Head believes family is important and he does give us time off for weddings, funerals, sports day and nativity for our children. Maybe paid, maybe not, depending on your other absences. Mine have always been paid. We also have a large proportion of part time staff who get pretty good timetables as well.

Have you ever involved your union in this issue?

@EsmeSusanOgg (love that name)

I think most people, who do not have inflexible jobs/ bosses would find it hard to understand that you cannot have one day off.

Part of planning any event to to make sure the people you really want to be there can make it. Since OP has explained that even her DH doesn't 'get' the problem, my money is on their not caring about her job.

Whole different level of complication and one I would not pander to. My job and my independence are important to me. There are so many horror stories of people trapped by finances in sub optimal partnerships, I would encourage everyone to maintain some financial independence.

We assume your inlaws know:

• you're a teacher
• you work part-time
• you work Mondays

Well, they are being unrealistic expecting a teacher to be able to get a weekday off for a wedding.