Can’t pick bridesmaids, DP putting pressure on me to decide

[Andue]

DP and I are getting married in 14 months, most of the prep is well on the way the only issue is I haven’t decided who my bridesmaids will be. When it comes to it I feel like there are a lot of people I could pick and some expectations from DH on his side as to who I should pick.

Maid of honour will be my best friend, we’ve known each other since primary, lost touch and then went to uni together. Have been super closer since.

Options on my side

• Both my cousins, one maternal one paternal. I grew up really close to them, spent weeks with them every summer and was the Maid of honour at one of their weddings
• Second very close friend, see her less often than my best friend but still very close
• 2 other close friends, see maybe once a month but sort of go in a group with close friend and very close friend, was bridesmaid at one of their weddings
• 2 other friends, see them more than most of the others and socialise with them more, however the only connection is work and that is mainly when we socialise (go for lunch together during work or a drink after but rarely seem them on weekends etc.)

DHs expectations

• His 16 year old niece, her younger sister (8) will be a flower girl, he thinks she needs a role too, but is very traditional and won’t have women/girls on his side
• His younger sister, same idea - his brother is Best man, my brother is a groomsman, he thinks I need to return the favour and give his sister a role

Past maid of honour I have no idea who to pick. DH has 1 best man and 5 groomsmen/ushers so ideally we’d equal it out.

AIBU to feel like it’s a lot of pressure to decide and to feel really overwhelmed by it?
He keeps pestering me to decide but it’s a lot!

Any advice on who I should pick?

It’s one day. Just pick some, do it, and get on with the rest of your life.

That leaves one friend though. I can’t have the two close friends and not the very close friend that would be really hurtful since we are all the same group and I’m closer to her.

Can you afford to have all of them? If so, just go for it and dont worry about uneven numbers versus ushers.

Otherwise create a new role for your friends and invite them to everything the bridesmaids would do/lean on them as of they were bridesmaids and explain its because of family pressure that they are going to be ‘managers of the bride’ (or whatever) rather than official bridesmaids. If they are good friends they will understand. The only thing they would miss is walking down the aisle with you. They could even have their own dress coordination thing that blends with the wedding but is distinct from the official bridesmaids.

So 6 bridesmaids, and 3 flower girls? This is ludicrous …there won’t be any room in photos for the bride once you fit that lot in 🤣🤣🤣

Oh and could the 16yr old be the ‘manager of the flower girls’ rather than a bridesmaid?

Are you having people you actually want at the wedding, saying your dad and inlaws have their own guest list?

Sounds like it is going to be a cast of thousands

Pick his sister, if you looking at 5 can still have other friends/cousins

Personally I'd keep it down to your best friend as maid of honour and your two cousins as bridesmaids; anyone else who wan ts a role can do a reading or whatever

As with the best man, the maid of honour's usually a job for just one person so nobody else should moan it's not them, and DH's siblings are already included with the niece as flower girl and brother as best man - which balances up nicely with your two family members (cousins) having a role as bridesmaids

This is what I would do, always family first.

There will be people there we probably wouldn’t pick if it weren’t for our parents but we aren’t paying for them and it’s expected that they will be there. We don’t mind, parents are splitting all costs (well more so my dad but close enough). In some families you just have to have the people there who are expecting to be there.

MOH, 2 friends not from work, 2 cousins makes 5. 16 year old is ring bearer/head flower girl, sister gives a toast.

I would have your best friend as MOH as planned, then your cousins as bridesmaids and the little niece as a flower girl. No other friends, no one else from his family. Your attendants then include a friend, your family and his family, and there’s no need to choose between your other friends. Id any of them do get huffy, tell a white lie and say you didn’t really want one of the cousins (doesn’t matter which), but that you had to be fair to both sides of your family, so you hope they understand that you couldn’t include everyone.

He can give his sister and niece a role if he likes but I want my friends and cousins around me on the day.

I think it's important to build relationships and connections between the two families so I would definitely include his sister and niece in your side. This is the joining of two families together.

Whose paying for all the bridesmaid outfits? Do you have bottomless budget?

Yeah I’ve tried for 5 years, why do I have to continue making the effort on my wedding day when his sister has had no interest for the last 5 years?

We have a large budget, bridesmaid dresses will be included. Both of our parents are paying between them.

1 Second very close friend, see her less often than my best friend but still very close
2-3 2 other close friends, see maybe once a month but sort of go in a group with close friend and very close friend, was bridesmaid at one of their weddings
4 sister
5 niece
6 made of honour/ best mate

'That leaves one friend though. I can’t have the two close friends and not the very close friend that would be really hurtful since we are all the same group and I’m closer to her.'

Who am I missing?

the flower girl isn’t part of my 6, along with 2 other flower girls (DPs goddaughters) that will make up a separate kids party

Ah, I hadn't seeen this before posting, and if you've already given in by including godchildren I can imagine you'll get much more pressure over asking a full sister

It would be far too many for me and I'd cut it right back, but naturally it's your choice to make

Edited to add you're not going to get "emotional support" from that lot either - more likely you'll be sorting out squabbles, huddling with your bestie MoH to discuss whose fault it was and fielding complaints from those who don't agree

Yeah - what do 'groomsmen' do?

Are you in the UK?

I would have his sister and neice and your two cousins along with your maid of honour

I'd have the cousins, the other best friend and the 16yo niece.

Maybe his sister at a push.

Why are you picking his niece as flower girl?
Was it a particular request? Has her sister done it in the past but she was too young? Because to me that would be a good reason to leave older one out?

Why can't DH have women on his side?

I would suggest his sister is better placed to do a reading in the ceremony than be a bridesmaid. It's a bigger role anyway.

So after BM/MOH he has 5 ushers, you have cousins and close friends, not work friends.
That's equal.

What sort of wedding is it? Church? I mean bridesmaids don't really do a lot. It's a bit boring really? Would 16yr old be happy just getting her hair and make up done and choosing her own dress? Or also doing a reading? Does she sing or play music? Why can't she be an usher?

Have them all! Nobody counts the numbers of groomsmen vs bridesmaids on the day or on the pictures. Maybe drop the work friends if you're not likely to see them if you change jobs etc ..

This. There is no law that you have to have any. If you’re stressed about choosing, you’ll second guess all the way to the wedding and afterwards.

At a push, from what you’ve said, I’d stick to your cousins as they’ve been a close long term part of your life and friends, no matter how close, come and go over the years. And they are supposed to be YOUR close friends and family - NOT DHs, I’m afraid - and are intended to provide you with support on the day. So I would lovingly tell him that he gets no say, any more than you do in choosing his best man. You do not want to be babysitting teenagers you hardly know on ‘your’ day.

But, honestly? Just have a made of honour. Dump the rest. If you read half the threads on here, your friends and cousins will be at each other’s throats and there will be drama. I’d avoid that like the plague…

You are going to have more people in your wedding party than we had at our wedding! What role are you expecting everyone to do?