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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can’t pick bridesmaids, DP putting pressure on me to decide

338 replies

Andue · 14/06/2024 12:13

DP and I are getting married in 14 months, most of the prep is well on the way the only issue is I haven’t decided who my bridesmaids will be. When it comes to it I feel like there are a lot of people I could pick and some expectations from DH on his side as to who I should pick.

Maid of honour will be my best friend, we’ve known each other since primary, lost touch and then went to uni together. Have been super closer since.

Options on my side

  • Both my cousins, one maternal one paternal. I grew up really close to them, spent weeks with them every summer and was the Maid of honour at one of their weddings
  • Second very close friend, see her less often than my best friend but still very close
  • 2 other close friends, see maybe once a month but sort of go in a group with close friend and very close friend, was bridesmaid at one of their weddings
  • 2 other friends, see them more than most of the others and socialise with them more, however the only connection is work and that is mainly when we socialise (go for lunch together during work or a drink after but rarely seem them on weekends etc.)
DHs expectations
  • His 16 year old niece, her younger sister (8) will be a flower girl, he thinks she needs a role too, but is very traditional and won’t have women/girls on his side
  • His younger sister, same idea - his brother is Best man, my brother is a groomsman, he thinks I need to return the favour and give his sister a role

Past maid of honour I have no idea who to pick. DH has 1 best man and 5 groomsmen/ushers so ideally we’d equal it out.

AIBU to feel like it’s a lot of pressure to decide and to feel really overwhelmed by it?
He keeps pestering me to decide but it’s a lot!

Any advice on who I should pick?

OP posts:
Flipzandchipz · 14/06/2024 15:01

I think you need to decide how many bridesmaids you want/ can afford and go from there.

I wouldn’t have his sister. Just because your brother is a groomsman it doesn’t fall that you have to reciprocate. Your DP has asked him as they are friends in their own right. I would say this regardless of whether or not your DP’s sister has rebuked offers of friendship or not. You have said you aren’t particularly close. I would only have her if she was considered a close friend too but she’s not. I don’t understand why anyone would have expectations to be someone’s bridesmaid unless there was a close friendship or the bride had very few friends able to attend. Neither apply in your case.

I would have your MOH. And if there are budget constraints, either your 2 closest friends or your cousins. Or if you’ve no budget constraints, your MOH, 2 closest friends and cousins.

There shouldn’t be any pressure from DH or his ‘side’ of the family, you should choose who you want. It is supposed to be a celebration of your love for each other and a happy occasion.

Please remember you cannot please everyone. I am fortunate to have a nice group of friends but I couldn’t have afforded all to be bridesmaids so I chose the three I am closest to. It didn’t mean that I didn’t value the others. It was just what we could manage. I wouldn’t have expected my other friends to take offence and they didn’t, because they are my friends. If any of your DP’s family are likely to take the hump then they need to give their heads a wobble.

crabette · 14/06/2024 15:05

There seems to be a bit of a drip feed that you aren't actually close at all to your DP's sis, to the point you've tried to befriend her and she isn't interested / you're not friends. If that's the case, suggest she does a reading at the ceremony instead?

You could have all your friends as bridesmaids - close friend, 2x other friends, 2x work friends.

And have two ceremony readings, one by DP's sis and the other by his older niece? You could also have DP's sis sign the marriage certificate - it doesn't have to be MOH. That gives her a big formal role without being with you the morning of the wedding and changing your morning dynamics.

Seeingadistance · 14/06/2024 15:07

Anoisagusaris · 14/06/2024 12:16

That’s a ridiculous number of groomsmen/bridesmaids.

I agree.

Why not just have a best man and a matron of honour, or whatever it's called?

RitaFromThePitCanteen · 14/06/2024 15:10

The groom's sister does not have to be a bridesmaid. I wasn't at my brother's wedding, but then my brother knows me well enough to know that I wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid. I would choose:

MOH: best friend
2 cousins: bridesmaids
8 year old niece: flower girl
Groom 's sister: ask her to do a reading (get your fiance to ask her rather than you, as you're not close).

16 year old niece does not need to be in the wedding party, and at that age probably would not want to be. But if groom absolutely insists and she also jumps at the chance, get her a dress and make her a bridesmaid, but one that turns up at the ceremony on the day, rather than one that gets ready with you beforehand, goes to hen dos etc. It would be awkward for you and for her to be hanging around with older adults while you're getting dressed and possibly drinking.

Onelifeonly · 14/06/2024 15:13

Haven't read any of the responses, but I'd say you need to decide on a rule to follow. I think 2 or 3 bridesmaid's is sufficient anyway. Not everyone at your wedding needs to have a "role".

I limited bridesmaids to family - no one then had kids except for one toddler, so it was my sister and his sister. Best man his brother. And my brother and now brother in law, ushers. (Maybe what's now called groom's men? Did the organising on the day, anyway).

We gave readings during the ceremony to one best friend each and everyone else was just a guest. No jealousies as my best friend and I had been best friends for 16 years and that was well known.

millymae · 14/06/2024 15:14

Keep it simple - just have a matron of honour and ask his sister to do a reading. Having a huge number of bridesmaids is a recipe for disaster unless you are going to buy their dresses and pay for hair and makeup etc. There have been plenty of posts on here started by bridesmaids who because of the financial demands being made on them found themselves wanting to pull out. Also there may be some amongst your friends who will be grateful for not being asked - not everyone likes the thought of being on show as a bridesmaid and having to wear something that they would not necessarily choose.
i know it’s easy for me to suggest just the one bridesmaid when they may be family pressure on you to have more, but as the decision who to ask is obviously causing you anxiety I wouldn’t bother.

RoachFish · 14/06/2024 15:14

Have your friends and cousins as your bridesmaids. Leave out the colleagues and DHs niece. Ask SIL to be toast madame together with someone else perhaps a male toast master from your side that isn't in the bridal party.

OneFrenchEgg · 14/06/2024 15:16

Dh - six people (best man plus five)

You, ideally, six people (moh, flower girl, leaves four)

So, four would be:

Second close friend and 2 others from that group - nice even numbers
His sister

Sixteen year old would be asked to be a ring bearer or poem reader or nothing. But I wouldn't have started by asking the eight year old tbh, think that's caused that issue.

Both my cousins, one maternal one paternal. I grew up really close to them, spent weeks with them every summer and was the Maid of honour at one of their weddings
• Second very close friend, see her less often than my best friend but still very close
• 2 other close friends, see maybe once a month but sort of go in a group with close friend and very close friend, was bridesmaid at one of their weddings
• 2 other friends, see them more than most of the others and socialise with them more, however the only connection is work and that is mainly when we socialise (go for lunch together during work or a drink after but rarely seem them on weekends etc.)
DHs expectations

• His 16 year old niece, her younger sister (8) will be a flower girl, he thinks she needs a role too, but is very traditional and won’t have women/girls on his side
• His younger sister, same idea - his brother is Best man, my brother is a groomsman, he thinks I need to return the favour and give his sister a role

TonTonMacoute · 14/06/2024 15:16

Bridesmaids should be the bride's choice IMO and from her circle.

I don't really get grown women wanting to be bridesmaids tbh, I think they should be little girls with a MoH to keep an eye.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 14/06/2024 15:16

Ok so you are keeping it traditional by having something this size so really needs to be your SIL to be, the two nieces and your two cousins. Doesn’t particularly matter who you really want as this isn’t really about you both now. What on earth is hosting a table? Are you overseas ?

Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove · 14/06/2024 15:17

Forget the sister. She’s an adult and she’s not interested in knowing you. She can do one.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 14/06/2024 15:19

Andue · 14/06/2024 12:13

DP and I are getting married in 14 months, most of the prep is well on the way the only issue is I haven’t decided who my bridesmaids will be. When it comes to it I feel like there are a lot of people I could pick and some expectations from DH on his side as to who I should pick.

Maid of honour will be my best friend, we’ve known each other since primary, lost touch and then went to uni together. Have been super closer since.

Options on my side

  • Both my cousins, one maternal one paternal. I grew up really close to them, spent weeks with them every summer and was the Maid of honour at one of their weddings
  • Second very close friend, see her less often than my best friend but still very close
  • 2 other close friends, see maybe once a month but sort of go in a group with close friend and very close friend, was bridesmaid at one of their weddings
  • 2 other friends, see them more than most of the others and socialise with them more, however the only connection is work and that is mainly when we socialise (go for lunch together during work or a drink after but rarely seem them on weekends etc.)
DHs expectations
  • His 16 year old niece, her younger sister (8) will be a flower girl, he thinks she needs a role too, but is very traditional and won’t have women/girls on his side
  • His younger sister, same idea - his brother is Best man, my brother is a groomsman, he thinks I need to return the favour and give his sister a role

Past maid of honour I have no idea who to pick. DH has 1 best man and 5 groomsmen/ushers so ideally we’d equal it out.

AIBU to feel like it’s a lot of pressure to decide and to feel really overwhelmed by it?
He keeps pestering me to decide but it’s a lot!

Any advice on who I should pick?

Just be modern and don’t have bridemaids or groomsmen?

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/06/2024 15:19

Andue · 14/06/2024 13:02

See I think this is why it’s difficult. We want the big wedding party, cost/dynamics don’t change this.

I want it to be my cousins and friends but feeling like I have to pick 2 people who I don’t know well or have much of a relationship with is what complicates it.

"DHs expectations

  • His 16 year old niece, her younger sister (8) will be a flower girl, he thinks she needs a role too, but is very traditional and won’t have women/girls on his side
  • His younger sister, same idea - his brother is Best man, my brother is a groomsman, he thinks I need to return the favour and give his sister a role"

Well, if your fiancé "is very traditional" he should know that, traditionally, ALL bride's maids come from the bride's family and friends, and ALL groom's men come from the groom's family and friends.

So I'd question just how 'traditional' he is, wanting to impose a groom's maid on the bride. Is your brother his friend, or is he having a bride's man by his side as a bargaining chip?

Basically, his 'expectations' are wrong. The Groom chooses his groom's men, and the Bride chooses her bride's maids. He should not be imposing his sister and niece on you.

MyRamone · 14/06/2024 15:19

If you each have 5 people supporting you, the altar (or equivalent) is going to look like a rugby scrum, and nobody will be able to see you and your DH-to-be. I'd just have the MOH and the flower girls and be done with it.

Khanga27 · 14/06/2024 15:19

Andue · 14/06/2024 12:13

DP and I are getting married in 14 months, most of the prep is well on the way the only issue is I haven’t decided who my bridesmaids will be. When it comes to it I feel like there are a lot of people I could pick and some expectations from DH on his side as to who I should pick.

Maid of honour will be my best friend, we’ve known each other since primary, lost touch and then went to uni together. Have been super closer since.

Options on my side

  • Both my cousins, one maternal one paternal. I grew up really close to them, spent weeks with them every summer and was the Maid of honour at one of their weddings
  • Second very close friend, see her less often than my best friend but still very close
  • 2 other close friends, see maybe once a month but sort of go in a group with close friend and very close friend, was bridesmaid at one of their weddings
  • 2 other friends, see them more than most of the others and socialise with them more, however the only connection is work and that is mainly when we socialise (go for lunch together during work or a drink after but rarely seem them on weekends etc.)
DHs expectations
  • His 16 year old niece, her younger sister (8) will be a flower girl, he thinks she needs a role too, but is very traditional and won’t have women/girls on his side
  • His younger sister, same idea - his brother is Best man, my brother is a groomsman, he thinks I need to return the favour and give his sister a role

Past maid of honour I have no idea who to pick. DH has 1 best man and 5 groomsmen/ushers so ideally we’d equal it out.

AIBU to feel like it’s a lot of pressure to decide and to feel really overwhelmed by it?
He keeps pestering me to decide but it’s a lot!

Any advice on who I should pick?

It has to be your decision, however for balance (ie 5 bridesmaids to match 5 groomsmen), second very close friend, two cousins, niece and sister in law to be may be the least drama. That does mean flower girl being an extra person on top of the 5… I appreciate that leaves out a friend that you were bridesmaid for but that would be petty of your friend to hold that against you (if she was that type of person, she very well might not be).

You could also choose one of the non-bridesmaids to do a reading?

Original poster
Andue · 14/06/2024 15:20

OneFrenchEgg · 14/06/2024 15:16

Dh - six people (best man plus five)

You, ideally, six people (moh, flower girl, leaves four)

So, four would be:

Second close friend and 2 others from that group - nice even numbers
His sister

Sixteen year old would be asked to be a ring bearer or poem reader or nothing. But I wouldn't have started by asking the eight year old tbh, think that's caused that issue.

Both my cousins, one maternal one paternal. I grew up really close to them, spent weeks with them every summer and was the Maid of honour at one of their weddings
• Second very close friend, see her less often than my best friend but still very close
• 2 other close friends, see maybe once a month but sort of go in a group with close friend and very close friend, was bridesmaid at one of their weddings
• 2 other friends, see them more than most of the others and socialise with them more, however the only connection is work and that is mainly when we socialise (go for lunch together during work or a drink after but rarely seem them on weekends etc.)
DHs expectations

• His 16 year old niece, her younger sister (8) will be a flower girl, he thinks she needs a role too, but is very traditional and won’t have women/girls on his side
• His younger sister, same idea - his brother is Best man, my brother is a groomsman, he thinks I need to return the favour and give his sister a role

Sorry the flower girl isn’t part of my 6, along with 2 other flower girls (DPs goddaughters) that will make up a separate kids party.

So my 6 wouldn’t include her.

OP posts:
Laptoponthesofa · 14/06/2024 15:21

If this is bothering you and it is taking the shine off your wedding, just have everyone you would want as bridesmaid. It is not worth the stress if you can afford them all. I say that as someone who had one bridesmaid.

ExtraOnions · 14/06/2024 15:22

It’s 14 months off … your two Work Friends may have toddled off to new jobs by then, and seeing as you only socialise through work, you won’t be seeing them.

Family, on the other hand, is a bit more permanent

Ugov · 14/06/2024 15:24

I asked DH's sister, not becuase of pressure from him, but expectations from his parents. I thought I was doing the right thing, even though we weren't close, but what actually happened was it gave her loads of things to be spiteful about, she didn't like anything I wanted and in the end decided a couple of weeks before the wedding that she couldn't bear to do it.

As a result MIL refused to speak to me (literally refused to open her mouth, even when I spoke to her) at my wedding.

We were married 30 years, but NC with his family for 20 and it should have happened sooner.

Don't do it if you're not close, just because you think you should, if there are any tensions, it will make them worse not better.

TBH your friends don't sound like people I'd pick either. Just have the MoH and the flower girl.

OneFrenchEgg · 14/06/2024 15:25

Sorry the flower girl isn’t part of my 6, along with 2 other flower girls (DPs goddaughters) that will make up a separate kids party.

In that case:

Dh - six people (best man plus five)

You, ideally, six people (moh, leaves five)

So, four would be:

Second close friend and 2 others from that group - nice even numbers
His sister
16 year old

Means the two from his side know each other and you have your four mates from the same group. Wouldn't have work friends in the party.

OneFrenchEgg · 14/06/2024 15:25

*five would be

longtompot · 14/06/2024 15:29

However when it comes to what the role of a bridesmaid is, I’m not sure it makes sense to have someone who isn’t close to me (and again I’ve tried) to be there every step of it over people who I am close to and would want to spend the time with?
On the morning off I can’t imagine her being massively supportive where as my friends would be. Same for his niece really

Have you told him this, the reason why you want certain people there as your bridal party?

Did you have any say in who he has for his groomsmen?

I think his best man and your moh are non negotiable, but does he have any other members of your family as part of his support? If not, I don't think he really gets a say in who you have. I would also remind him about his sister cancelling all those get togethers with you over the years.

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 14/06/2024 15:29

Just have your MoH.

Original poster
Andue · 14/06/2024 15:29

I think I’m going to do

  • MOH
  • Very Close friend
  • 2 other close friends
  • 2 cousins

He can give his sister and niece a role if he likes but I want my friends and cousins around me on the day.

For everyone concerned about numbers Our day we are looking at around 170-190 day guests so it feels proportional.

OP posts:
Cem82 · 14/06/2024 15:29

Give his sister a reading or something like that but don’t have her in your bridal party or she’d be involved in organising your hen and everything like that. Plus if she’s unreliable and cancels a lot that is problematic when organising things in the run up to the wedding. It is different for your partner, as you pointed out, because his groomsmen are all people he can have a laugh with it - tell him if he has issue with it you don’t mind if he drops your brother as a groomsman. For all you know she might be relieved!