To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

Yanbu and I think he owes DD an apology.

Some of these comments!

There's no way people would be saying you're reasonable if we were talking about a DD not a DS.

I thnk you need to find strategies to cope with him as his behaviour is likely to get worse as he hits the dreaded age of 13 and it's bad enough living with a teen whose hormone rule their lives without having the adult being out of control too. At that age - I started to read loads of parenting books to find ways to control my annoyance and lower the temperature in the room as the first line of defence. You can't control your ds's behaviour but you can control your own.

He was worried about not being able to go to the toilet during the performance? Has he had problems like this in the past? This anxiety of his sounds like something that needs addressing. Sit him down and listen to him.

Good advice😃
We’re only human after all….. even if this boy is neurodiverse, which it sounds like, we all have a breaking point and get anxious ourselves about journey times and parking and so on.Nightmare situation.
If after explaining and DS still doesn’t get it or change his ways, maybe he can’t help that,I don’t know, then leave him out of some stressful trips.

Why are people asking if the OP's son might be on the spectrum, have anxiety, or questioning that he sat on the toilet for half an hour? He's not technically a teenager yet but he's definitely behaving like one! Sometimes teens are just bloody horrible, badly behaved, and inconsiderate and there really isn't a need to make the excuse of a diagnosis that doesn't exist.

I recently had the rage with my eldest (15) who leaves everything to the last minute and is often not ready.

We're only human. At the same time, it's not great.

Have to think about it and try to see how it could be avoided next time.

With my eldest I have said to her that if she is so late that we risk missing something, we will go without her.

And if we miss the school bus because of her lateness and I have to drive her to school (50 min round trip) there will be a £10 charge for that for my time (I am supposed to be working).

I said these things in a calm moment quite dispassionately - these are just the consequences I am afraid if you are so late that we are going to miss an event, or if I have to drive you and take time off work.

I also asked if she needed a new clock or if there was anything I can do that would help her. She doesn't find it easy.

Then just back off and leave her to it.

Trying to find a way to set boundaries and consequences in a way which is not vindictive or out of control, I guess.

All of you saying ‘leave him behind’ that’s what he wanted!!
He probably didn’t want to go and honestly it’s very hard as a mother to leave a child behind, you want to do the family thing together and also, some children (especially like this) can’t be left at home.

Is he late for things he wants to go to??

Just wondering, because if there is neurodiversity, or ASD he will do anything to avoid what he doesn’t want to do and will not be considering anyone else.

Lastly, there is a fantastic book called ‘Setting limits for your strong willed child’ and it is EXCELLENT for children like this.
He would say ‘put your clothes on before you do anything else’ (no phones no other distractions until this job is done) and if he doesn’t, put the clothes in a plastic bag and he can get dressed in the car. Put down a firm signpost and no room for discussions. No ‘dancing’.

Please read it today and all the very best to you x

It’s called lived experience. Those who get it, get it.

It's the sort of thing my brother did on other people's birthdays because he wasn't the focus of attention. He played up, preferring to make birthday's person get upset so he could have attention on him.

It sucks, really hurts and when as a child you can see what he's doing and yet the adults let him get away with it it really shows you where their priorities lie.

Don't let him ruin your DD's life like that.

A lot of mums are literally living on the edge.....a combination of demands from every corner, endless pressure and stress not to mention potential hormone inbalances and even mental health conditions can result in this kind of mini breakdown. I don't know whether the op is experiencing any of these issues necessarily but like I said earlier, maternal rage is a thing.

I'd have physically dragged him out of the house in whatever he was wearing and he could have sat in a sulk at the event in his boxers.

The shouting wasn’t ideal but I totally get the frustration.
He absolutely needs to apologise to his sister - how dare he ruin her birthday treat. Extremely selfish behaviour. Is he normally that selfish? Ask him how he’d feel if she ruined his birthday treat. If he has no empathy to this you have a bigger problem than just someone who struggles to get ready on time.

However - he clearly didn’t want to go or was bothered about what he was going to see. I think next time maybe ask him whether he does want to go to something. If he doesn’t just leave him behind and have a nice time with DD. Much better than enforced family time and a teen spoiling it with moodiness. If he does want to go enforce the start time and then just leave without him if not ready. I mean he literally wasn’t even trying to be on time was he.

It lets the person know that you're really fking angry!

It's more effective if you're not someone who usually swears. I don't swear in general conversation. I have on occasion swore at my children. I don't swear routinely. And the occasions when I have have been exceptional circumstances.

And you know what.. it's effective. It gets them to sit up and take notice and realise that they've pushed their otherwise kind and reasonable mother too far. I have 4 teenagers. I've probably lost my shit a total of 3 or 4 times in their entire lives. I think I'm doing pretty well 😂

it's a shame you couldn't have left him at home and just left on time with your daughter.

Why did you take him? I am not condoning his behaviour but given his previous, I would have marched him to the car with what he had on. Waiting for him to be different was a rookie error. Hopefully this whole sorry episode will be the catalyst for change from all involved parties.

Completely understand, I am having the same with my 14 year old son and spend most of my mornings following him around the house 'motivating' him to get ready. In fact we did this morning and I have saved this to read to him late as an example of how frustrating this behaviour is!

If he's always late then maybe look into why this is and put strategies in place. Screaming and swearing at a child isn't going to solve anything.

This.

Let it go OP. He knows now he will get a howler if he's out of line.

It was for DD's birthday treat??

I'd have left him at home and taken dd.

What are the consequences for his behaviour and his consistently being late?

Speaking as a single mum of a male teen, you really need to find means other than physical to impose discipline, as they will soon be bigger and stronger than you. (And pushing and dragging of a teen or tween isn't the right thing to do even if that wasn't the case).

Luckily, technology has given us lots of levers to control shitty teen/ tween behaviour. PPs have suggested that he didn't really want to go, which was probably the case, although I wouldn't discount a degree of anxiety or executive functioning problems. I also agree that he was probably on his phone on the toilet for 30 mins!

How I would have handled it: "OK DS, we're leaving without you now, we'll be back about 10".

(Face lights up)

...."With your phone"

(Face falls)

...."And I'm switching the WiFi off"

(Woe and devastation).

(Not to say that I'm not guilty of a screaming fit or 10 😬)

Might just mention - a lot of mums with kids on the spectrum are also on the spectrum themselves - undiagnosed.

A child's overwhelmed meltdown or bad behaviour can both equally trigger an ASD parent's own meltdown.

Suspend his pocket money until he learns to co-operate. Although age 12 you might be in it for the long haul!!

I don’t believe he needed the loo for 30 mins, he was in there gaming or on his phone. Every parent knows these stunts.

I imagine he is was reluctant to go in the first place, time to leave at home if he can’t be ready.

Anxiety??? He was dicking about, ignoring what he was told and arguing the toss on how long the drive would take.

He’s a 12 year old lad who needs to learn a lesson. I’ve had two of them myself - although not as bad as this. Entitled, thoughtless, selfish behaviour is just that - not anxiety.