To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

Hard relate.

I would have just left him at home. He ruined his sister's birthday treat. Reading some of the replies on here makes me realize why there are so many entitled little brats about nowadays. Give yourself a break.

You have to leave him behind next time. Absolutely no respect for the money and effort you put into this event. Shouting wasn't ideal but don't blame yourself, it was a stressful time. Next time don't shout, just leave and he'll eventually get the message.

Yep. Couldn’t agree more. Doesn’t stop the wHy DOeS iT aLwAyS HaVe tO bE AuTiSM? crowd from rocking up with their uninformed takes 😅

It's not a great reaction, but you know that. FWIW I had similar, as well as having PMT, went to the GP and asked for antidepressants. They've helped enormously.

Your DS behaved appallingly and ruined your his sister's birthday trip. If finances allow, I'd rebook for just you and your DD. 12 is old enough to be left for an evening and to understand that rude, selfish and cheeky behaviour is unacceptable.

If he was mine he would be paying me back half the costs of the tickets out of his savings/pocket money as well.

Apologise! Dear God, no wonder there are so many kids who think they can act as they like with no meaningful consequences.

If it’s a common problem with him, I’d have told him the show started an hour earlier than advertised.

Totally agree with you. What a ridiculous post that was.

I really sympathise with you OP, my daughter is like this because of her Inattentive ADHD diagnosis. I have to remind her every hour just to do simple tasks. Sometimes I feel like screaming!

Did he apologise for ruining DDs birthday treat?

Yeah I went mental once just once in all my years of parenting (Dd1 nearly 18). Not my finest hour but you know what mothers are human too. I don’t think it gives them any damaging long term consequences to learn their mother isn’t Mary Magdalen sitting there with a beatific smile as they behave appallingly and trash her plans / stuff.

Was he remorseful afterwards op? Did he feel bad for ruining his sisters birthday? I think it's important to know what you're dealing with here and how much of this is bad attitude or poor organisation and possibly adhd related.

My son has inattentive adhd and left to his own devices he won't give himself enough time to plan and get ready for things. If he has his phone with him then he'll get far too distracted and I expect your son was playing on his in the toilet. Some have read the toilet thing as anxiety but I read it more that he was messing about with his phone. I'd take it off him in future and tell him he'll get it back when he's ready to leave at the front door.

My son hasn't ever seriously made us late for anything however cos I don't give him the chance to. When he was younger I'd be infront of him passing him the clothes til he was dressed. Then as he got older he had more responsibility to do it himself but believe me there would be consequences if he messed about. There's no way I'd have let him have a whole half hour to himself when he has form for making you late cos I don't think he could be trusted. I give him 5 mins max then I'm on him and the embarrassment of this as he got older together with consequences has helped him get his act together.

My son would be gutted if he ruined anything for someone else however and I'm wondering if your son apologised? Adhd is no excuse for being selfish and inconsiderate.

I think it's hugely important to make this up to your daughter but just you and her.

Jeez your situation is very understandable. How can it take him so long to stick some clothes on and a quick hair brush? Was he deliberately delaying you? Can you treat your daughter to something special just the two of you to make up for the awful night? Is your son regretful and sorry? I would speak to him and say you shouldn’t have lost your temper and shouted for so long but you are utterly fed up with him causing delays.

I’d have gone without him, too, and I wouldn’t have apologised.

And next time he needs a lift, in order to be somewhere by a certain time, I’d dither and tit about so he’s late - and see how he likes it.
Selfish little bugger!

Absolute bollocks.

He absolutely ruined his sisters birthday treat by being lazy and selfish. The yelling would be the very least I would do tbh. Grounding/games console removal/take away his phone? Basically anything that is going to have an actual impact on him and make him miserable - do it. Pocket money? Remove that and the money can go towards a new ticket for his sister.

Going in with apologies and gentle talking to won't work, he'll probably agree and apologise, but he'll do it again because he's not experiencing any actual consequences. He has really fucked up here and needs to learn a hard lesson.

His behaviour was appalling.

Shouting and swearing at someone for 20 minutes in a situation where they have no way of walking away and escaping it is also appalling, and it isn't made less appalling by the fact that he behaved badly first or that he's 12.

That's not a few angry sweary remarks made in understandable frustration. It's verbal abuse. One incident does not make you an abusive parent, to be clear, but I think it's wrong to downplay this by saying that every mother gets angry sometimes or he deserved it because his behaviour was infuriating. That kind of prolonged berating in a confined space isn't right or acceptable and if it's not a one-off you need to find ways to regulate your own emotions when he's playing up - you're the adult in this situation.

I'd have gone without him and imposed a consequence afterwards. Possibly paying back the cost of the wasted ticket.

You may have ranted and sworn at him but you didn't drag him out of the car and leave him in the middle of nowhere to find his own way home did you? My DF did this to my brother at a similar age. My dad spectacularly lost his shit at all of us, many times. Throwing stuff at us, calling us names etc. We all forgave him because he's also got many many good points and for the 5% of losing his shit parenting, the other 95% of his parenting is and was excellent. It's a good life lesson for everyone to learn that nobody is perfect, even your parents and that if you fuck people about they don't like it.

I haven’t read the whole thread, but is it possible he has ADHD?

Yes, assuming no learning difficulties. He's 12 not 2.
He can be left for a few hours and expected not to kill himself or burn the house down

You haven’t damaged your son. It’ll be like water off a ducks back at that age. You did loads better than I would have I would have either dragged him out however he was dressed at the time I said or I would have unplugged the router put it in the car and locked the door and left him behind. He can’t go through life messing everyone about he needs to learn that you fuck people about you miss out.

Had to pause and think about this one. And I know I will get the haters on me for this.

What DS did was unacceptable, but I also feel so was OPs response. I say this as the parent of two ASD (+ADHD) children now teens, and as an ASD/ADHD mum. I have absolutely lost it like this with my kids a few times in 19 years, full -on hysterical meltdown. But I never excused myself or blamed anyone else. And I apologised profusely for my behaviour afterwards.

DS was out of order - perhaps he is ND, or perhaps he is just a pubescent shit wanting to sabotage his sister special event. Who knows.

However - he does this every time? So, OP, you lie. You tell your kids you have to be there an hour earlier than you really plan to. In the lead up to going, you check every ten minutes - you do not leave it until you need to walk out the door.

Being angry was a normal response, screaming and yelling at both kids and ruining the evening for DD was NOT - especially whilst driving. In fact that was bloody irresponsible and dangerous. And that was on OP. Again, I will state I HAVE completely lost it at my kids like this, cried/sworn when I’ve felt they have deliberately gone out of their way to be difficult when there is something important I need to do/place to go.

But my behaviour at that time was completely unacceptable. I am the adult. Even with my AuDHD it is my responsibility to manage my own responses and behaviours. We have no idea whether OP and her children are NT, so on the assumption they are not, then this outburst was even more inappropriate.

I feel that OP needs to apologise - especially to DD, whose birthday treat she ruined. She also needs to have a management plan in place for future ‘important’ events - whether that be a fake schedule to get DS ready sooner, or excluding him/arranging for him to go to a mates sometimes.

There is no reason why OP cannot sit with both children, apologise and take ownership of her behaviour whilst also talking to DS to explain that his behaviour was unacceptable. They do not have to be linked. Parents/adults do not need to be perfect, but they do need to model adult behaviours: apologising and asking for help to make sure something like this does not happen again is a positive and adult response. Kids love their parents, they want to understand and forgive - and know that you love them too. This is not the end of the world, but a conversation and agreement to work together next time is probably needed draw a line under it.

Your ds may have ADHD. At his age he probably doesn’t know why he can’t get it together to leave on time. Maybe you could find some strategies to help you all. 🌸

This sounds extremely exasperating. I felt myself getting mad just reading this… your reaction obviously wasn’t ideal but it was very understandable.

you could simply go without him. Not ready? Not your problem. He can stay at home.

you could take him to the theatre (family lunch, doctor's appointment) in whatever state he happens to be in. Didn’t do his hair? Not your problem. Not wearing the right shirt? Still in pyjamas? Should have gotten dressed earlier. Most teens would find that extremely embarrassing.

You could lie about when it starts / when he has to be ready. But I honestly don’t think dishonesty is the solution. And you’d have to explain to your younger DD why she wouldn’t have to be ready at the same time…

Like everyone has said, the yelling wasn't ideal but it reads very much like a 12 year old who has decided that mum is wrong and he's going to prove it - he then get's a huge shock as it's his fault the evening was ruined.

I think when you're calmer, it would be worth sitting down with him, apologising for the tirade, and explain that he doesn't get to decide that the person taking him somewhere is wrong about timings, especially when it's for a treat for someone else, and if he behaves like that again, you'll leave him home alone.

I would also tell him that at the least he owes you and his sister a heartfelt apology for his behaviour - don't let him off the hook, this was deliberate. He was scathing towards you and I would be coming down on him like a ton of bricks - I too have a 12 year old who is prone to feeling superior to people around him (unfortunately, very much like me at that age) and I am very clear with him that I am the adult, not him, and even if he doesn't like or agree with what I'm saying, he needs to put his point across politely. I'm not going to completely dismiss him but I'm also not going to allow him to talk to me and treat me like shit because he thinks he's right all the time.

Good luck.