To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

Everyone has a breaking point and you reached yours. Totally understandable given the circumstances! Did your son apologise?! I hope he was shame faced at least. When you are calm speak to him and say while it was wrong for you to swear and scream like that, his behaviour was disrespectful and selfish. You are the adult and while he lives under your roof he follows the rules here whatever they are. So if asked to get ready at a fixed time he jumps Up and gets ready. It is not acceptable for him to ruin his sisters birthday. He needs to be given a suitable punishment and make effort to make it up to both you and his sister.

It tipped you over the edge. It's not ideal but we also do things like this sometimes. You'll probably feel much worse than him. Lots of hugs

Not even remotely the same thing. An adult at 22 - yell back.

Only on Mumsnet are the tired old 'medicalised' tropes trotted out every time a child behaves poorly.

He's controlling the family with his tardiness...probably loves the power.

Yes. There's already been a few posts asking if OP was "nagging".

Update
I've had a long talk with DD. I've apologised profusely to her. I fully explained the reasons why I got angry and said that although I stand by my reasons for feeling cross, I am sorry and am very regretful that I shouted and swore at her brother in front of her in the car whilst driving. She told me she felt scared because she'd never seen me shout before. I told her that everyone gets angry sometimes but that what's important is to not make other people feel scared by your anger, and that I had learnt this lesson last night, and that I am very sorry because the last thing I would ever mean to do is make her feel scared. We had a big long cuddle. Someone here asked me if I call her precious. I tell her she's precious every single day. She told me she loves her brother, that he's her best friend, that she loves laughing and playing with him every single day, and that she thinks he didn't mean to make us late on purpose, that she understands why I got cross, that she knows he makes us late a lot, but that she thinks he struggles with being on time and organised and she told me she thinks he needs extra help with getting ready for things on time because it's really hard for him to do it by himself. She told me she felt cross with him too, but that when I was shouting at him she felt sorry for him because "He's an awesome brother, the best I could wish for". I apologised for us missing the start of the show and not getting to sit in our seats. To that, she just cuddled and kissed me.
Then I talked to DS. Without prompting, he apologised profusely to me. He has made his DS a card and written in it to say how sorry he is. When he gave it to her, he hugged her for a long time, kissed her head, and genuinley apologised. He told me he understood why I had felt so cross and angry. He said he felt scared when I was shouting, and that he was worried because I've never shouted at him before. He also told me he didn't like it when I was swearing, because I never swear usually. He looked really sorry. He was cuddling me for the longest time and didn't let go of me. Told me several times how much he loves me and DS and kept saying he should have listened to me. He's apologised profusely. I told him I was right to feel angry because I felt he'd disrespected me by not listening to me along with the fact that his actions made us late for his DS's theatre treat and that this made me really angry and I stand by that, but I apologised for shouting and for swearing. He said he understood. I've told him I love him. I tell him everyday anyway. I also tell him every day that he's precious. Because he is. He's asked me to help him be better at getting ready on time. He said he can't cope with leaving the house on time. He wasn't on his phone in the toilet, I've checked my app that tracks his phone activity. He's told me he was a long time because he was checking things. Checking plug switches were off. Checking windows were closed. Checking doors were shut. Checking taps were off. Checking light switches were off. He said he can't leave until everything is checked. Said he had to touch all the things he loves in his bedroom before leaving for the theatre. Then said he had an upset tummy on the toilet but kept it quiet as didn'twantto cause a fuss about a bad tummy on his sister's birthday evening.
I didn't know😢.
I feel mortified for both of them.

Well it definitely sounds like anxiety to me, I think he would benefit from some support

I know the response I'd have got. I'd have had to run for my life.

20 minutes is an extended period of ranting

you know you lost it

the shouting made the day even more difficult for your DD

yes we are all only human and I have also lost it with my kids

but you know this should only be a 1 off. Work out ways of avoiding this situation in future and/or dealing with it better

apologise to both kids. make it part of your past

more than anxiety, sounds like OCD. Needs professional input immediately.

Well done OP for having such loving and healthy dialogue with your kids!

I do know!
He knows what buttons to press -probably knows someone with neurodiversity at school- and here he is singing off the hymn sheet so you will fall for it...poor darling-he's neuro diverse and to think I hadn't noticed him needing to touch things before he leaves the house before. Bad mum...I must never shout at him again.

The only touching he does is you because he knows you're a soft touch.

It's really instructive to watch how other mammals deal with their kids when they get out of line. They assert themselves swiftly and often physically and show their offspring in no uncertain terms who is boss. Weirdly none of these mammals seems to grow up with a complex.

Extreme anxiety can cause ocd type behaviours though

Well.they also bite and sometimes eat their young

They are also usually pretty happy when the offspring are weaned around 8-10 weeks and fuck off never to be seen by them again

lots of mammals also eat their children when conditions are suboptimal. Works for them so let's try it!

From your OP he sounded like my dd with ADHD... she also has anxiety and OCD.

FWIW I think you've done incredibly well to go for 12 years without shouting until now!

DD's bedtime routine used to take fucking HOURS, she would be checking round the house and asking me if she was safe till the small hours, and I had to be up at 6.30 for work... I was on my knees with tiredness and I did lose my shit on occasion.

With CBT and Prozac she has reduced her checks down a lot and she now actually listens to me when i say it's time to start the routine so she can finish at a reasonable hour (sometimes)

12 is young to be trying to manage your own MH difficulties but if you can get coping strategies in place it might increase his organisation and decrease his anxiety... somewhat.

Can you imagine 🤣 right you annoying fucker, that deserves a quick kick to the head

Oh @Lavatera just seen your update

You were right to be furious last night and you lost it - it happens. You obviously have a really good relationship with your kids. I hope you can work out how to help your DS. He does sound anxious. And it's very sweet of your DD to say he is the best big brother. But actually it's OK for her to be disappointed and annoyed at her brother - hopefully she is not feeling she has to placate anyone and squashing her feelings down like girls do sometimes.

Best of luck to all of you

Wow @Lavatera I think your shouting and swearing actually finally got through and led to this very healthy and informative dialogue with your children. I hope you can now navigate these highlighted issues with your son while also supporting your daughter. You sound like a great mum. 12 years without shouting?! Hats off to you!!!

You’re human! Breathe! It really is the repair that matters not the rupture. You sound like you have lovely kids, an astute daughter and maybe a neurodivergent son. Has this ever been suggested? Struggles to organise and manage time can go with different things including dyspraxia, ADHD and autism. He does sound as if he genuinely tries but just can’t do it with time.

Good Grief.
Would it be OK if I hit you?
No.
Is it OK for adults to hit smaller people?
No.

You are being far too hard on yourself OP. They sound like great kids. It won’t have done them any harm, and hopefully DS will realise the consequences of faffing for so long. When he said ‘I didn’t know it would take so long’ I think you are well within your rights to say ‘That’s because you are 12. You have never driven a car, you have no idea’. I can’t stand it when my children think they know best and in reality have no experience of the thing they’re backchatting about. My DH is always late like this and now I often lie about what time things start.

He sounds like a selfish little idiot, he's spoilt the evening for both his sister and you and I don't suppose he was in the least apologetic for doing so. It doesn't sound like he has any respect for you or anyone else. Leave him out of the equation next time.

@Lavatera if all of that is true about the checking things/upset stomach etc then I'd say it's possibly something like OCD, I've had it since I was a child and it certainly affected me in a lot of ways that my parents never knew about. I never ended up telling them and it did used to cause rows like the one you had with him the other night because I'd be in the bathroom washing my hands or washing my mouth out for fear of germ contamination.

I'd try and monitor him for a while and then think about taking him to the GP to see if you can get him some support.