To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

I don't think it's abuse and I don't think it will damage anything. It's a one off. Will he remember it for the rest of his life? Quite possibly. Is that a bad thing? The time his lovely mum lost her absolute rag because his arrogance ( not timekeeping- he wasn't accidentally late, he made the active choice to disagree with you about what time you should leave and refuse to be ready on time) ruined his sisters birthday treat. He'll remember the horrible guilt and dread and shame he felt that entire journey watching the clock and the traffic, and the show, sat in shitty seats, knowing it was his fault. He'll be reminded of it when he's running late for things with other people. And he'll remember how important it is not to fuck about with other peoples important plans. He'll remember he doesn't know best. He'll remember that people won't allow him to ruin things for them just becuase they love him. He'll remember to value people and the things they value.

A rare parental blow up can be an incredibly valuable lesson. A parent that screams constantly is abusive, you weren't abusive.

How has he been since? Have you spoken to him about it at all? You can't just continue as normal, you need to address it.

is it possible your son could have ADHD? time blindness is a classic symptom

FFS stop this. He does not have time blindness. He was arguing with OP said he knew better, was being chivved to get ready and ignored it all.

time blindness is left to your own devices you have an inability to sense how much time has passed. The OP is saying to him - tailgating him - do this now and he is ignoring it all and talking back.

Medicalising bratty behavious under the guise of autism or ADHD is a modern sickness, actually offensive to really ND people, and in this case will cause the OP waay more problems. She's already allowed a shocking power dynamic to develop with a 12 year old. The last thing she needs is to be encouraged to give him even more leeway under the mistaken belief he needs to be treated with even more gentle kid gloves because he has ADHD

On Mumsnet yes. In the real world no it doesn't.

You definitely should have shouted at him, next time take him tell him it starts early than it dose so he doesn't make you late and say your sorry to you DD for shouting at ds, my ds would have had his phone and tablet taken off him and he would have to go everywhere with me till he learned to get ready on time without me having to keep prodding for behaviour like that and I would have shouted at him for the 20mins too

This should have been dealt with the first time he took the piss and made you late.

Really I'd have left him. At 12 he can survive. And he needs to learn.

Right now he has the power to control you're leaving time. Fuck that, tell him when you're leaving, and go.

Hi OP, What happened wasn't ideal but stop beating yourself up. Talk to your son tell him your sorry you shouted and you really shouldn't have sworn, you reacted really badly to the situation and that you love him, but you paid alot of money for those tickets and the whole day was ruined, your not excusing what you did and will try to do better from now on but ask if he will to. I suspect some of his misery was caused by the fact you couldn't take your seats and he knew that was his fault.

I presume he was playing a game or something and that's why he didn't want to get ready? Next time you need to be on time take the plug to what ever he's playing long before you need to leave. You tell him he will get it back if you get to where ever you need to go on time and if you don't then he won't see it until the day after.

Thanks. Totally agree with this post. It grinds my gears big time that the majority of threads these days have to throw in “maybe they are neurodiverse…”. To excuse away any dick head behaviour. Spoiler: being neurodiverse doesn’t give you full rights to being a dick with no consequences. Im neurodiverse so if my husband (are young children most probably are) but we can’t just act like twats all the time

I definitely think poor DD deserves another treat day with just you two to make up for the shit show. Brother is a selfish arse, not that swearing at him is the answer. I’d apologize to him for the swearing, but not the sentiment. Demand an apology. Apologize to DD too as she’s completely innocent in all of it. In future leave son at home. He’s a selfish liability who doesn't deserve to be included in important events that aren’t about him.

you think yo should have been able to disrupt everyone further by barging your way through to seats sited centrally at the front of the theatre?

Where does OP say she thinks that?

No OP its not abuse

Did he have any consequences for ruining his sister's treat?

God no it's not emotional abuse.... it was a one off loss of control. OP I know you feel terrible but let's keep this in perspective. It was a one off rant, yes you swore but thats the worst you did you feel terrible for it, just talk to him let him know that you regret your reaction. Then talk again about the importance of getting ready on time. You may have said it nicely in the past and it's fallen on deaf ears but it may get some decent attention this time around.

How will he make this up to his sister? Is he going to plan a special outing for her?

And yes to in future docking him pocket money for every 5 minutes he keeps you waiting.

I agree you should try and get over the guilt by saying you feel bad but then letting him know his actions aren't going to be accepted so what will he do to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Make the focus that it's now his chance to come up with a plan to fix it. You gave him so many chances to understand the importance of leaving on time and he still didn't try to do it. Is there anything he could agree on that would be a good motivator or punishment for him if he is late for friends and events?

I don’t blame you at ALL he sounds a lazy, entitled, selfish little shit! How dare he do that purely to ruin the experience for you and his sister. Disgusting attitude he has and a complete lack of respect.

You felt all that after your mother ONCE shouted at you?

You’re only human. Be kind to yourself. Your son is VERY lucky he only got an earful.

God the bar is high for mothers isn’t it?! One flash of temper and im moving out at 18 never to be seen again!

Totally agree with eclairs. Don’t you dare go wheedling and apologising to him.

It happens. I’m sure you’ve apologised to them.

I lost it once and ran away from home for a few hours (came home when I got hungry). The kids laugh about it now but I frightened myself as lost my mind a bit. Got HRT and it changed things for the better. It’s awful though isn’t it because you worry it’ll stay in their memory bank.

Sounds like this is something your son really struggles with. Maybe he can’t help it. Time for a new tactic or to leave an hour earlier? In fact he sounds like me trying to get into work every morning. 😉

I read a book called Buddhism
for Mothers and there is a chapter in there about anger which is amazing. Would recommend. Just let yourself off and use it to try and respond better next time. I’m also talking to myself here! No judgement.

https://www.wob.com/en-gb/books/sarah-napthali/buddhism-for-mothers/9781742377018

I know right!

@Bananabreadandstrawberries sooooooo much internalised misogyny- this bizarre notion that women have to be perfect and never lose their rag 24/7 or they will damage their kids who will then go no contact with them 🤣

I would be upset as well, but for my daughter, not for her brother.

My DM would frequently have those sort of rages but for no good reason and it would happen all the time. It was horrible BUT as a one off it's honestly not going to do any damage to DS so don't worry. He deserved a good bollocking anyway as he was being a right brat.

I'm disappointed in the posters who are saying that you should apologise to DS without mentioning DD. You might want apologise to her as she is the victim here not DS.

If you can, try to shield her from the parenting challenges you have with DS. From her perspective, this might be the tip of the iceberg and she may feel she bears the brunt of his behaviour more than you know. That might not be the case but just putting it out there as a consideration.

Also, this struck me as really odd behaviour: "he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre'"
Are you absolutely sure he doesn't have stomach issues? This type of behaviour is typical in people with IBS-type illnesses.

Personally id have just gone with the daughter not taken him

@Lavatera A very experienced psychotherapist said being constantly tardy is a form of ''Passive aggression''.

Persistent and habitual ''Tardigrades'' {as I call them} think THEY are more important than everyone else, and it's actually treating the other people who are affected by the tardiness with total disrespect.

I think the Psycotherapist is spot on. It's about control.

Keeping other people hanging around.

Your Daughter had her Birthday treat ruined because of her brother's selfish actions.

It's not a good look. I don't blame you for shouting at him for ruining an expensive evening.

Your Daughter deserves a better treat, it wasn't her fault the evening was ruined.

Absolutely!
He deserved to be shouted at, ruining an evening for his sister- It's the height of arrogance to be loitering around knowing full well that his mother and sister were getting stressed.

Sounds like he's been allowed to get away with this controlling behaviour for far too long.

It IS controlling behaviour.