To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

Well, next time, you will be able to remind him that you do know better.

however, if you don’t think a 12 year old is safe to be left at home for 4 hours in the evening, this suggests he is very immature. Any of my children could have been left for that period at that age, although DD1 would have hated it, unless one of her siblings was with her.

You say that he would be late for school, then let him, and suffer the natural consequences, I have found this to be the best way to teach my son.

I have found an Alexa is helpful as you can set multiple alarms to chivvy him along

Haven't read the full thread but I'm guessing he's never late ever when it's his thing that he wants to do? He may only be 12 but we know from MN that there are many men like this doing this stuff to their wives.

I think he needs a telling off before this becomes his adult man personality!

What are the consequences / repercussions of his continual lateness?

I'd be taking his bloody phone away for a start.

How is he with school? Does he have the same issue there?

HNRTFT but you have described my son who is now an adult. He has not been formally assessed but he is convinced (as I am ) that he ticks all the boxes for ADHD . Lack of awareness in the early 00s with NDiversity.
I definitely lost the plot with him many times as a teenager because of his poor time management/ dreamy personality but highly intelligent! I just thought he was lazy.
Despite that I really understand why you got so angry. My son really gets it and now understands how frustrating it was for me .

I admire your honesty and it did make me giggle.
Your son will be absolutely fine.
You love him. He knows that.
He irritates the shit out of you with his time keeping. Don't worry. He knows you still love him. Don’t beat yourself up x

He didn't care because it wasn't a special event to him. It hurt his sister though. You should walk out when you're ready to go and leave him home alone. He'll figure it out.

Why in the world would you not be able to leave a 12 year old home alone for a few hours? Bonkers. That's part of the problem.

Shouting is not great but I think kids need to sometimes realise that their behaviour is twatish and has consequences. I’d have been gutted to have been late, not be able to get tickets I’d paid for due to the faffing.

I think when we’re so close to our children there are traits that particularly annoy
you. When you’ve tried to be nice, had the explainer conversations, said the same thing several thousand times and they still do the exact opposite.

What age are you?
Are you peri/menopausal?
Try not to lose control (easily said), but really try.

My mother was a bit like this when I was a teenager, she had some mental reactions, lost control etc, and it frightened me and made me close off from her. I moved out for uni to a different city as soon as I was 18 and still am not close with her years later.

This is despite knowing she is a nice lady generally, and was fun in her younger years.

Google rupture and repair.

100% agree with every word of this.

Your DS has arrived at the ripe old age of 12 believing he can disregard your instructions, mansplain driving to you, stick his fingers in his ears in open defiance of you, and spoil his sister's treat.

He owes you a massive apology, and he needs to apologise to his sister too. He also needs serious consequences for all of the above.

He needs more.bollocking, not less.

EVERYONE has their limit, OP, and he just found yours. I'd refuse to take him anywhere again.

PS. My kids found my limit when they insisted just one time too many that they would only eat pizza for supper. I never bought it for them again. Ditto misbehaving in the supermarket - one day they riled me so much I swore I'd never take them shopping with me again, and didn't. And yes, there was shouting. And no, I don't even feel the slightest bit guilty about it.

Do not beat yourself up OP, it is not the end of the world.

You may not think it of your little darling, but chronic lateness is an incredibly selfish trait. It is essentially a way of saying that your time is more valuable than somebody else’s (whoever it is you’ve kept waiting). The fact he did this on his sister’s birthday exacerbates that selfishness and, not unfairly, you lost it - to be honest my blood pressure was rising just reading your OP!

At least you’ve moved into straw man territory 🥱

This- he pushed you to the very edge, and you lost it. Not dignified, and I totally get that you are upset with yourself. But you, and all of us mums, are only human. We are pushed and pushed and pushed some more, and one day, it goes PING big time.

Has HE apologised- first to his sister, and to you. Because HE spoilt her special treat, and pushed YOU to lose it.

Please, stop beating yourself up.

But he needs to get himself sorted out- and he needs to begin to learn about consequences for his lateness. Not doing him a favour at all by allowing him to continue being late.

😂that’s not straw man

You need to stop including him!! He gets left at home if he can't be arsed. Repeated shit behaviour like this no wonder you flipped a lid

Made me feel irritated just reading it 😂

OP - what happened today? Did your DS apologise? What are the consequences of his behaviour?

I would hazard a guess and say your "suggested" = insisted.

You should have left him behind. Prior to departure, say thirty minutes say DS you have to downstairs, ready in thirty minutes. If you aren't ready I will leave without you. Then if he isn't, leave. It seems mean but a) it removes all your stress b) you don't have to rant and rave at him c) other children don't get upset. Same with school. If he can't get up and out he gets detention. You have brought him up nicely, given him all the tools he needs to be punctual so now it's up to him.

This is a good point from @Allthislovelygreen

Give it 20 years and some poor woman married to this bratty boy now a nasty man will be posting here about how he has ruined her birthday, her kids birthday, her anniversary - anything that matters to her and her children because he's always pulling some bratty sulky spoilt behaviour but he's damn right on time for the plane to the lads weekend to the Munichbeer festival.

It's very telling that the OP has not responded to any of the posts making similar points to @mathanxiety @Allthislovelygreen because no doubt Little Boy Blue will be perfectly entitled to ruin the poor daughters birthday for the rest of his life and the OP will be sycophantically crawling after him on hands and knees begging his forgiveness for the temerity to even request him to consider whether he could possibly be ready on time foran important event that matters to other members of the family.

OP - your DS needs to know other people have breaking points and his behaviour is unacceptable. You let him know.

I would make it up to DD by organising a new treat and leaving DS home to sit on the toilet for as long as he pleases. And future lateness means he gets to stay at home.

Eh? Where's the similarities?

@Lavatera I feel for you. I have been in a similar position (without the shouting, just building frustration) with my much much younger brother (later diagnosed with ADHD).

is it possible your son could have ADHD? time blindness is a classic symptom

also in this instance while I agree with PP's that you should apologise and reassure, his behaviour still needs to be sanctioned. I would remove all his devices for at least 1 week (that is the only thing that worked with my brother at that age) or something else he values. and maybe tell him every time he does this, he will get the same treatment - escalating to a grounding etc.

he needs to face real consequences as this behaviour needs to be unlearned otherwise it will hold him back massively in adulthood. if you think he might have adhd, then obv a different approach should be taken.

if you turned up late, lucky to be allowed in - still disturbing for others in the theatre - but you think yo should have been able to disrupt everyone further by barging your way through to seats sited centrally at the front of the theatre?

Oh I am so over this "oh its emotional abuse" bollocks.

Sometimes selfish shits need to learn that their "chill, its fine!!!" right up until it isnt, need a massive bollocking.

No "Oh darling, mummy is so sorry" but "You ruined your sisters birthday, she and I are both very pissed off with you and its time that you realise that your actions affect others. Sorry means that you regret your actions and will do your best not to do it again, so either dont do it again or dont say sorry".