To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

@Lavatera i'd hav done the same especially with all the backstory. He needs consequences though so that you can remain calmer and just dish out the removal of screen time or other punishment. You were not unreasonable. 12 isn't too young to learn that if you act like that you'll piss people off.

I'd have gone mental as well but I would have left him at home. Don't beat yourself up. It was just one time too many and I hope he has learnt his lesson now.

Wrong. People with ADHD often underestimate travel times and how long it takes to complete a task. Often procrastinate, leaving getting ready to the last available minute. Often late because of this. I have ADHD as does my dd, my mum, my brother. The OP just screamed ADHD to me. I mean he may just have not wanted to go or thought he knew best but if he does have ADHD most of the advice here on how to deal with him would be extremely damaging

I hate seeing these wet gentle mums get pushed to their limits by these unpleasant boys and when mum finally snaps she then feels terrible and repeatedly apologises and prostrates herself to the little Prince whilst he smirks. Its actually quite hard to watch.

Yeah. It sounds like being shouted at before now wouldn't have done the lazy little toad any harm.

If it was such.a big event and you know he is like this you should of arranged a plan B such as a neighbour or friend being available to pop in on him when u left him
12 is fine for a couple of hours

I’d have done the same. Frankly he deserved it! But yeah I think I’d have gone without him or made him change in the back of the car. Anyway don’t lose sleep over it! It’s done. Maybe he’ll hurry the fuck up next time!

And what advice would you give? Most of us have some issues, nobody is perfect. But we learn to deal with them and we also have to deal with consequences.
Doesn't matter if OP's son has ADHD or not. He may not have the natural time awareness but he has someone telling him what time to be ready at and reminding him of time. It's his decision to not care about that and to smartass back saying, oh, google maps tells me it's only a short drive.
People need to stop using ADHD as an excuse for everything. It's a huge disservice to people with that diagnosis who have to work harder in this world to overcome it.

For people like your ds who take ages and then go to the loo and faff make a leaving time up. If you need to leave at 5pm, say 4pm. It's the only thing that works with chaotic people who can't get their arses in gear.

We've all shouted at our kids, as long as it isn't all day every day do not worry at all.

I think I'd be tempted to make him do chores to earn enough pocket money to pay for his mother and sister's tickets.

And next time the OP wants to take her daughter out for a treat, instead of spending the money on a ticket for her son she can spend it on a babysitter for her son.

Answer me this, if you have arranged to be somewhere for 6pm do you aim and try to get there for 6pm? Or do you say "Nah, I'm going to go for 7pm" then start getting ready at 6:30pm? Because the OP's son chose to ignore her timings.

You say you're often late for work, is that because you don't try to get ready for your start time, or is it because you do try to get ready, but you fail to get there for your start time? Because the OP's son did not even try to get ready for the time they would be leaving at.

People with ADHD want to be ready in time. The OP's son was very well aware of what time they had to leave at, but had no intention of being ready for that time. That is not ADHD or time blindness.

I feel like he deserved the telling off in the car, OP. He's 12 and that's old enough. But I do feel for your DD - this really sucks for her.

Can you stop taking your DS to things until he changes and starts getting ready when you tell him to? His behaviour is not acceptable and he ruined the evening for the rest of you!

Be kind to yourself. What is done is done. As others have said, apologise, then move on.

In all honesty I have done the same myself, and felt the same shame. One car journey I considered driving into the car in front to create a diversion. It was that bad. (I didn’t. I really wouldn’t, honestly).

But you need a way to teach him this behaviour can’t go on.

Maybe next time there is an event - especially one he would like - book a baby sitter for him and say you just can’t risk that happening again.
Then go and have a good evening with your daughter.

or give him an earlier time to leave than you actually need to.

and/or go supervise his getting ready.

By the way, my son is now 14 so at an age I can leave him. I now don’t take him to things he doesn’t really want to go to. You’re not too far off that point hopefully.

He's 12. He has no idea how long it takes to drive somewhere. Which is why his adult driving mother sets the leaving time. He does not get an opinion on what time to leave at. If someone says "we're leaving at this time", you aim to get ready for that time. He did not aim to get ready for that time. He delayed it knowing that they wouldn't be leaving at that time because he decided he knew better. Like a lot of backseat drivers.

He was being incredibly selfish, your poor DD. Assuming this is Six and therefore sold out months before too. Don’t include him next time.

You sound like you are full on beating yourself up. Am sure there’s loads of support already provided along with suggestions for considering your DS has ADHD, so I’m only going to add that whilst you feel badly and have likely apologised for yelling (but not for feeling upset and angry, that’s allowed), hopefully it was a calm and measured apology.

Not an emotionally charged ashamed abject one. He will be needing to know that you are in control of your feelings today and remain the adult in control in your relationship (even if you didn’t feel that way last night). It’s not even so much as you being angry, we all get angry, it’s the being out of control that’ll feel scary for him and needs to be remedied.

And really sorry it was a crap night for everyone

@Lavatera I know exactly how you feel because I have been in exactly the same situation. My youngest daughter is exactly the same and it drives me insane. I hate to be late but just every day, every single time we leave the house, we are late. I hate to say there's plenty of shouting here to try to hurryher up but it never works. It's exasperating. I worry sometimes how she will ever hold down a job when she never, ever gets ready on time.
Go easy on yourself - you haven't scarred him for life by losing the rag once!

Of course it wasn't an ideal reaction, but you are human and it is done now, so please be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up too much.

I think what you do next is more important, people are going to have different views on this so many people will disagree, but I don't think there needs to be any punishment. I think you should to sit down with him and apologize for how you reacted and that you should not have shouted like that, but emphasize and ask that does he now understand that you were correct in what you were saying and he needs to listen to you in the future when you give timings. There is a time to question and challenge things but that wasn't the right situation to do so. I think this conversation would be good to model to him that you are taking responsibility for your actions, but also helping him to feel responsible for his. Encourage him to apologize to his sister.

He probably does know he was in the wrong already judging from his reaction in the car, sometimes it takes a big mistake like this to learn the lesson, the words don't always get through.

Also think speaking to your daughter for your reaction, again as like modelling responsibility.

Consequences wise (rather than punishment) is it possible/does your daughter want to go again? Just explaining that money and time that may have gone to something else that you could have done will go to that instead, if not, I think the lessons learnt are enough.

Hope none of that sounded harsh, I was intending it to sound kind, we are all human and this can happen to anyone, the fact that are feeling so bad about it show's you are a great mom❤

Totally not ok to do that but you know that and it’s done now. Maybe this will be the kick up the butt he needs.

Could he have ADHD or dysprexia etc? I’m exactly the same as him. It’s clear the sitting down and telling hasn’t been working and that doesn’t work for me either. What my mum did was give me ways to manage it. I timed everything I did so I knew how long everything took for me to get ready. I add 15 mins to every journey over 20 mins and always add 5 mins to park etc.

what a load of absolute shit.

The boy was dithering and being a bit of a know it all, hardly cardinal sins. there is absolutely no call to have shouted and sworn and screamed at him in a locked car for 20 minutes, the OP knows this, which is why she feels bad about it. I have not said there should be no consequences for lateness, I have said that her response was completely over the top which is something she thinks anyway. kids being screamed at is nothing new, emotionally, constipated fucked up angry people to show for it. We want to do better for our children

when I was a child, I remember my dad physically attacking my mother for some small misdemeanour. Of course she did it all the time and it was annoying. His excuse for getting violent? She made him do it. This is exactly the fucking same . The 12 year old boy didn’t ‘make’ his mother do that. It’s inappropriate and too Much.

and for all the people who say they’ve got a teenager, and they would behave exactly the same towards them, maybe there’s some sort of correlation there. People that scream and swear at their teenagers might not have the best relationships with them. I’ve got one, it’s really hard, but you have to take responsibility for your own actions

No ,it was not emotional abuse and I might even suggest that never shouting at him before, even though he frequently displays this disrespect, is why you are looking at the sort of behaviour he displayed on theatre night.

if you now go boo hooing to him, apologising to your precious boy, you may as well lower your neck before him and ask him to stamp on it.,

Get a grip. Tell him if he ever makes you late for anything ever again, he will get another bollocking and will be docked pocket money for ever five minutes he makes you late. When his fines are more than his money, seize his assets-right down to his socks.

Then make him pay back your wasted time by giving you the same amount of his-cleaning the floors, ironing, washing up, weeding. scrubbing the bathroom. Toughen up-he has your on a piece of string-time you attached it to him.

Give him something to think about. It really is your duty if you want him to hold down any sort of job.

He will remember it forever - and maybe he’ll be sufficiently shocked to change.

My mum never swore ever, and one day (in the car, also probably partly because I was making her late and being obnoxious) she told me to fuck off. It was incredibly shocking. But I knew I deserved it!

OP my mother once shouted at me like you did to your son. I still remember it to this day. I'm not scarred/traumatised at all. She was right to shout at me like that. I never did what I did again (repeated backchatting). I don't blame her one bit. Your son will be absolutely fine.

@EclairsAndDoughnuts - Wow, excellent ideas there. 100% agree and if more kids had these kind of responses from parents they sure would not behave like entitled little shits to others