To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

All the people suggesting this is ADHD really need to stop medicalising petty bad childish behaviour.

Just read what the OP has written. This isn't 'poor time keeping'. It is absolutely wilful disobedience of a parent - even arguing about how long it would take to get there. He's 12 years old; he should be thinking he even has latitude to 'argue' with a parent who is saying we are leaving at this time.

Plus then the constant reminders from OP. Then just sitting on the loo for 30mins - that is obviously just obstructive. He wanted to be obstructive and make everyone late. and that is exactly what he did.

Not everything rotten is a symptom of some sort of medical condition.

No. Not in my opinion.

I'd have screamed like a banshee too, OP, hopefully he's learned his lesson that you're the adult and know more than him.

I think I'd be telling him the timings are half an hour earlier than they are, you might get out on time then.

And sticking his fingers in his ears was outrageous.

It wasn't because he was upset.

He did it because he has absolutely no respect for you.

It's not a good response.
Kind of the entire point of my OP.

Hi op. I completely understand why you lost it, and why you were so angry especially as the evening was in fact spoiled.

This is slightly out there but reading your op I was struck by him googling the predicted journey time and then sitting on the toilet until he had to leave in case he needed the toilet at the theatre. This is something I'd associate with anxiety. As someone with health issues I don't like sitting in the middle of a packed theatre with no easy escape to the toilet if needs be. Is it possible he was anxious? Just a thought.

so at what age will you leave him on his own? 14? 16? . 10 is the age of criminal responsibility in this country. it means that a 10 year old has the capacity to understand right from wrong. why doesnt he have that capacity OP? why did he think he knew best when he doesnt even drive. because his phone told him and thats a more reliable source than his own mother? Both of you need to toughen up a bit. he hasnt even hit the terrible teens yet. goodness only knows what he will be like then.

No. Not in my opinion.

Sorry, but i think you're babying him. And as a result he behaves babyish.

Next time you're going somewhere, drag him to the car, dressed or not. He can enjoy the event in his pajamas if necessary, or shoeless/ coatless, hair wet or unbrushed, etc.

Leave when you say you're leaving - and do not discuss traffic with a 12 year old.

You give your stamp of approval to his right to question your decisions and judgement when you get sucked into discussions with this child.

Stop him in his tracks - "Don't you dare argue with me" is the only response to his comment that he had checked his phone, and all other direct challenges to your authority.

If you don't assert your authority with grim determination here, you will end up with a teenage boy who thinks he owns your house.

100% agree. and all of this medicalising what is in essence bad behaviour and disrespect.

It was a perfectly appropriate response.

And he stuck his fingers in his ears out of pure defiance.

Is he not at 2ndry school?

What do you think would have happened if he had been left?

@3luckystars is this book good for older children/teens? Also struggling with my (autistic) dd who is never ready on time!

Now that you've calmed down, you are all home and it's a day or two later. What's happened? If nothing then I'd sit him down and apologise for completely losing your shit, that it's an unacceptable way to behave and the reason why you did. Point out that he can see the outcome which is that you lost the good seats you'd paid for, and between his appalling behaviour and yours you respectively ruined his sisters birthday treat.

Then I think you should ask him to apologise to his sister and ask him how he is going to make it up to her. I'd suggest that while he's a bit old for a babysitter you will need to give serious consideration to leaving him at home with one on special occasions as you can't risk it.

And start looking at Time Management Skills or he's going to get into a lot of shit at school.

I don't think it does kids any harm to occasionally see their parents completely lose the plot. The rarer that happens, the bigger the impression.

I'd also start lying about when he needs to be ready for anything.

Doesn't sound REMOTELY like ADHD to me.

It sounds like a teenager thinking they know best, and being willfully disobedient and dragging their heels.

He KNEW what time it was, but decided they didn't need to leave when mom said because he knew better.

That is NOT adhd.

Exactly. At 12. What will he be like at 15 or 18 if the OP allows him to continue like this?

I guess this thread helps explains road rage to me. I didn't realize that so many people think occasionally uncontrolled outbursts of anger are just one of those things.

Why not? Stop babying him and give him that shock he needs.

He's perfectly old enough to be left while you are at the show. If he doesn't like it then tough, he should have paid attention and made sure he was ready on time instead of being obstructive and arrogant (as he was so cock sure that he knew best).

Should OP have screeched at him the whole journey? Nope.

Do kids sometimes need to know that parents have a limit and can only be pushed so far? Absolutely.

The important thing is the OP apologise, have a chat with the kids, and they all move on with a more constructive way of handling it next time.

Tbf, if my 12-year-old couldn't be trusted to follow my instructions, I wouldn't feel alright about leaving him home alone either.

He’s old enough to be left home alone. Next time leave him. I don’t think your behaviour was ideal but it sounds like you couldn’t have done more to facilitate him being ready and he did spoil an important evening for everyone else, if only by making you feel rushed (it takes two hours for your cortisol levels to return to normal after a high stress event).

I would be sitting him down, calmly, and ask him if he understands why you were upset and angry.

If he is genuinely remorseful then apologise and say ok let’s move on but he needs to apologise to his sister for ruining her treat

If he shrugs, kicks off or acts in any way that he hasn’t learned his lesson then talk firmly about consequences, how it wasn’t acceptable, how behaviour like last night is not acceptable. Then apologise for your actions but also give him a punishment that includes making it up to his sister

I'd say don't wait, take him as he is, or grab the clothes and let him change in your destination.

I'm afraid I was a bit like that as a teen - I had huge aversion to people dragging me somewhere unnecessarily early. Part of the problem was I felt validated - even with me caused delays (not 35 minutes though) we were always on time.
Was he aware that the plan was having drinks at the theatre?

The only issue with leaving him home is that it would show he can opt out of family activities and have a free reign on screens. Not ideal. But better than spoiling it for everyone.

This!

@Lavatera don't take his behavior personal and don't lose your shit over it. You are likely punishing your daughter more than your son if you end up screaming at him. He might even get a kick out of getting you so upset.

He needs consequences for his disobedience. As hard as it is, you need to stay calm and make him face the consequences. Anything from changing the wifi password, to losing a device, to not getting to do something he looked forward to, to being dragged out naked or in his bunny pyjama's if it comes to that.

Bring the hammer down on him, but do it in a calm and collected way and be consistent.