To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

One important life lesson is that if you talk shit you get shot down. And he’s just experienced that.

I feel for your daughter because it must have been awful for her to listen to it but honestly I can’t blame you and I don’t think you should apologise to your son. The arrogance to think he knows better than you and to actively ignore you.

Apologise to your daughter though and get her another treat and leave him out of it.

Him putting his fingers in his ears was more disrespect - even after he saw that his mum was right and he had been an absolute tw*t and ruined his sisters bday evening. He should have been ashamed of his behaviour

12 is absolutely not too young to be left at home alone in the evening. unless and until you do this its going to keep on happening. he is dictating to the rest of the family. I bet his sister doesnt think he is a lovely boy. I bet she thinks he is a little shit for ruining her treat. He needs to learn that being late is unacceptable. what happens when he gets a job? do you think his boss is going to shrug their shoulders. and exams. he will have to be on time for them as well. you are not helping him at all by allowing this lateness to continue. its going to seriously screw up his life later on. you have to give him strategies now for dealing with it. he has a phone. he can set an alarm. and he has to miss out on things. there are no consequences for his behaviour are there. you still took him you still went and in his mind as time passes it will be oh well, we did still go didnt we. one of my DC has timing issues. we have worked with her on strategies and she uses them every day to make sure she isnt late. she only had to be left home and miss out a couple of times and that was it, she learned it was down to HER to change HER behaviour not for everyone else to panic get stressed or miss out.

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Absolutely ridiculous response, your parents leaving it until you were 22yo before they lost their shit explains your entitled attitude.

Your too close and can't see it if this is the only area of concern it's still a big one he makes you late every time he is trying to be right and dictates your timing to the detriment of the rest of the family he needs to pack it in now seriously

Can you imagine any future partner putting up with this? I don't know of any adult who would they would just leave your doing him no favours letting him get away with it for as long as you have

Maybe you should have shouted before then.

You shocked yourself, but you shocked him, too, and by the sound of it, he needed to be shocked.

He DID ruin an expensive birthday treat for you all.

He DID ABSOLUTELY refuse to listen to his mother and do what she asked, repeatedly.

He decided he knew better than you.

1 - smartphone removed, dumbphone swapped in its place

2 - no more leeway on times. Mum is in charge. End of discussion. No child, you're not to be trusted.

@Lavatera please give yourself some grace and when you are both calm, apologise for shouting and swearing but don't apologise for being angry and frustrated. I think you need to think carefully about consequences ahead of time in the future i.e if you are not ready and you spoil this for your sister he will have something confiscated, allowance stopped or something. Clearly state expectations beforehand so consequences arent punitive in the heat of the moment and follow through every time. He loses privileges for inconveniencing you.

Also, from his age I am guessing you may be in the age range of perimenopause. This can really cause rage so might be something to consider. As can stress. Is anything else going on in your life which may have contributed to you losing your self regulation?

https://waitbutwhy.com/2015/07/why-im-always-late.html

Get your son to read this and see if it resonates. It sounds like he has a real problem (maybe ADHD) and needs help. Especially since he is always late to things he wants to do very much.

Btw my son has ADHD and it doesn’t sound like ADHD to me at all.

Well OP, it wasn’t your finest hour to be sure but you know that.
Have you ever heard Einsteins famous quote “ Insanity-doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”

You have tried the explaining and breaking down the time-line, cajoling, hounding etc and none of it works … your son can hear you BUT he is not listening/Understanding.

The person I really feel for in this scenario is your daughter- not only was she subjected to the tirade but HER special treat was ruined by her brother and that is not on - and from what you have said this is not the first time.
Next time you have a special event planned I truly would have a back-up person ( Grandparent/ babysitter/ family friend) booked to come to the house before you need to leave. If he is not ready … Go.. and leave him at home. Do this a few times and he will get the message.
In the meantime make arrangements to treat your daughter without him coming along.

In the words of Elvis “ A little less conversation, a little more action “

I had a similar situation with my 13 or 14 year old son. We had tickets to see Neil Gaiman's Ocean at the End of the Lane and I had been looking forward to it for a long time; it was coming to our local theatre for 1 or 2 weeks from the West End.

He similarly made us very late.

I dropped him outside the theatre with his ticket while I went and parked.

One difference was that he has diagnosed autism and so our tickets were significantly reduced in price.

He was a little late but had managed to get to his seat in the front row.

I was a lot later but persuaded the theatre usher to let me join DS.

I was also in a fortunate position that I could afford to go again and DH was willing to do the childcare for 1 evening, so off I went a day or 2 later to see the whole thing on time. Probably, knowing this might be possible helped me not to be too incandescent.

I figured that it might be an idea in future to plan a meal before the theatre at DS's favourite cafe nearby, so he has an incentive to get there in good time!!

It is really annoying when DS makes his little sister late for stuff though.

I really do sympathise.

@IfItWereMe he is 12. he could be left on his own in the house surely. I feel so sorry for his sister I really do. I would be doing something else with just her.

@TemuSpecialBuy

maybe op cannot afford a “make good outing”?

@LuckySantangelo35 it doesnt have to cost anything. it could be a picnic in the park or an evening on the beach or something else. just an acknowledgement that her brother ruined her treat and that this is unacceptable. and he can stay at home with no internet and do chores.

He's such a lovely boy ordinarily and not at all difficult in other areas of life.

You are deluded here. The talking back to you and telling you are wrong because he knows better isn't 'lovely'. It's bratty and disrespectful. That's totally separate from being late deliberately.

I think you are building bad character a brick at a time by letting him get away with it and when you (perfectly justifiably) shout at him, then are angsting about "damaging your precious (WTAF)" boy. He behaved like a brat, did so knowingly, spoilt something for you and his sister and was rude and disrespectful - this is a waaay bigger problem than being late.

He needs more discipline and telling off/shouting at and if he'd had a bit more of that in his life prior to this event, you probably would have found he'd been ready on time.

You need to create a system where he suffers consequences if he doesn't do what he is asked to do. Shouting at him which less effective thn other things like loss of phone/things he wants is at least a consequence he may understand.

Good. Bye. Phone. He effectively tried to use it as a weapon against you.

I am one of those people who have been diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. Poor timekeeping, especially leaving the house in time is my main thing and I really find it hard. I do have things in place to help me but it’s a lot of effort.

Growing up I did well academically and my concentration was mostly ok (certain subjects not so much) but I have always been terrible for procrastination and “time blindness”

im not saying this is your son but it may be something to think about

Stop beating yourself up over it, its done now. You can't turn the clock back and take it back. I think most of us would have lost our shit in this situation, and hopefully its a lesson learnt for your son that his actions have ruined your daughters evening.
In future with him I would continue to kick his ass a little to get him ready on time, and maybe leave him at home a couple of times so he understands the need to be ready. Its a life skill he needs to work towards getting ready on time. And I say this as a mother of a teenager with autism who needs lots of cajoling for a million issues.
Stop beating yourself up, you sound like you had a normal reaction to a stressful situation.

Cut yourself a lot of slack. Miles of it in fact.

You weren't unreasonable.

Make him apologise to his sister and apologise to you.

There should be serious consequences for his attitude. He's trying to show you who is in charge here.

Confiscate his phone for starters, and ground him. No lifts anywhere all summer either.

This was a big deal. He needs to understand that

How would you have wanted to punish him for his behavior if you could wind back time and do this again?

At first I was thinking the only person you need to apologise to is your daughter, you lost it with him because you repeatedly told him and just didn't bother his bum to care, not for the first time either.

But upon your update, he did repeatedly apologise and realise what he'd done. I think you should apologise for still going off after that. But I would absolutely make it clear that actions have consequences and people WILL react (in some way) to his behaviour.

Hopefully he will now have learned his lesson. I hope you all managed to enjoy second part of the show x

The constant swearing is unreasonable. It's bonkers people absolving the OP completely.

We were on holiday in New Zealand, I suggested an area we stay for the night from a brochure and they agreed. It took longer to get there than expected and was getting dark and the whole drive there I got yelled at despite them having agreed to the suggestion. So I'm quite happy to admit I was 22, I did nothing wrong. The point is yelling endlessly in an enclosed space where someone can't escape is not something that people forget and yes, some parents may be happy to be remembered that way, I personally don't think that's a good thing. Get some control of your temper and give a screen time ban. Don't wreck the birthday experience for your other child by behaving like a banshee.

Yes to this. A thousand times.

You pay for it. It's a privilege for him, not a right. And he tried to use it to mansplain traffic to you.

Shitty, awful behaviour.

It's not ideal but sometimes you do have to remind them you are their mother not their friend, and you will be angry and shout sometimes when repeatedly provoked.