To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

I am. I am ashamed of myself. Beyond words. I've never shouted at him before. I felt sick all night. That's why I got up and posted on here and said 'Help, I think I'm going mad'. He should never have been shouted at in a moving car that he couldn't get out of. I just lost it. I could actually feel myself losing it.
I'm normally a gentle person, I dont shout ordinarily.
"You need to talk to him and apologize and find a better way to handle this in future-talk to him and tell him that when he acts like this it has a knock on effect etc and next time it happens you will leave without him." Lord above, I have explained this to him over and over and over and over again.....non stop for the past year.......I mean, I've sat him down after repeated times of this happening and truly explained this to him, I've explained the impact on others until I can't actually explain any more........then he does it again. It's part of the reason I went insane yesterday.

You know, OP, someday if he doesn't mature well, some woman he dates will have just had it with his lack of respect for her opinion and his lack of respect for her needs. She will yell, or simply dump him. Men become entitled and know-it-alls from not getting a comeuppance when they are young (and even then, no mother can overcome the socialization they get outside the family home). I'm thrilled he saw reason and apologized and frankly, I don't think you need to apologize beyond saying, "my yelling isn't something I'm proud of, but my anger toward you is fully justified." You were mad for very good reasons and he ruined what was supposed to be a very nice birthday for your DD. Teens and tweens are selfish and we mothers have to point it out.

Honestly, he's not too young to have seen your anger for his behavior. You didn't harm him physically (not that you could at that size anymore).

Also, your DD saw you stand up to male entitlement and arrogance and she'll have learned a lesson that it's not okay for them to walk over her.

I wonder if his sister thinks he's 'such a lovely boy'. Poor girl.

The one who deserves the apology here is your daughter.

You lost the plot under extreme provocation. No one is going to condone it but also, most of us will understand. Use it as away to show that you are only human and you make mistakes, apologise for the enormity of the bollocking you gave him and the bad language. At another time, remind him just how much his lack of cooperation affects the people around him.

No, he doesn't. He's hopeless. His friends call for him, or wait somewhere for him as agreed, at the time he's arranged with them. But he's always keeping them waiting. They get impatient waiting for him! He's unbelievably slow at getting ready yet he's really excited to meet up with them!

When is his birthday? Offer to take him to something he'd enjoy. Be 45 minutes late for it.
Would that have an impact?

I wonder if those saying the shouting is despicable have gone through the teenage years, because I dont think there would be many parents that have never shouted at their kids at some point!
Not ideal, but it happens

He doesn't sound at all like he has executive functioning issues. He has garden variety 'I know better' teen issues. He wasn't trying to get ready on time (like people w/ ADHD) he decided he wasn't going to get ready on the time his mother set, rather he was going to do it on his time (which he'd researched and knew about and arrogantly told his mom to chill about).

She repeatedly instructed him on what he needed to do.

You can't possibly be suggesting that she physically dress a 12 year old? Brush his hair for him? Brush his teeth?

Your behaviour was terrible, you should apologise profusely to both your children. You ruined the event far more than a little lateness caused by your son would have. My parents behaved in a similar way over something when I was 22 and I still remember it well and I'm 47. And to continue when he had his fingers in his ears, you should feel bad.

I have one like this. I lie to him about what time we need to leave the house.

I always say 30-45 mins earlier than we need to leave, or we aren't leaving on time. He does have ASD/ADHD though, and serious time blindness, so the 30/45 earlier lie works for us.

I also have ADHD, but i'm the opposite, being late stresses me, i'm always early. He drives me nuts.

I've honestly, really never shouted at him before. Never sworn. Never. I really truly am telling the truth. This is why I'm so remorseful. I'm feeling like not only have I traumatised him last night, but that he'll have memories of me shouting like that right through adulthood. I totally lost control and I've never experienced anything like it before in my time as a parent or at any other point in my life.

I think you have to get to the bottom of why he thinks he knows better than you who have done this journey over and over

Why he didn’t think there would be traffic

I have a journey in the morning to work.

The sat nav says 1hour 40 minutes but it really takes 2 hours 20 minutes at the least

Which bit do you think is unreasonable?

Getting annoyed that is isnt getting ready for a special event? YANBU
Loosing it because he made you late? YANBU
Thinking it will damage him, if this happened once and with understandable reasons? YANBU

I think you just should have left him at home and go without him.

Perfectly understandable and completely justified. It never feels good when you, the adult, know you "' lost it'.
But actually, on this occasion, darling DS was behaving like an utterly selfish *. He deserved evety single word.
I hooe you apology was for how you said it, not what you said which was exactly what he needed to hear.

So why not just walk out and leave him behind?
At 12 he would be capable of spending a few hours home alone without the threat of burning the house down.

Talking and pleading isn't working, as you see. He is the infallible arrogance of a teen. The only thing that has any chance of causing an effect is actually doing something. Like leaving him behind.

He cannot control the house and repeatedly make everyone else late.

@shearwater2

Have a look at what is really going on here, what is causing you to be so angry and frustrated in an alarming and over the top way.”

yeah you’re right. She should have just chuckled wryly and shrugged her shoulders. It’s only her daughter’s birthday ruined, lots of display of disrespect , and tons of money wasted.

This

I dont think you would expect to forget?

Surely it’s a good thing if he remembers it? It wouldn’t be a stand out memory if Op was like that all the time. It’s a classic straw that broke camels back and a valuable life lesson for him.

@Skyrainlight

when you were 22?! I wouldn’t be admitting that!

and yeah the whole point is that he doesn’t forget so he doesn’t do it again in the future

Op you are only human, I'd have lost my shit as well.

Do not beat yourself up over, you will not have traumatised him and maybe he might make a bit more effort to be ready on time next time.

I would absolutely tell him that you will not include him on similar trips due to his attitude to time keeping and arrange a babysitter instead for him.

Then propel him out of the door at the appointed time partly clothed and with his clothes in a bag. He can get dressed in the car once you have parked, or go into the men's toilet to do it.

That might make him realise that you mean what you say and he ignores you or back chats you at his peril.

It almost came to doing that once or twice with my three when they were in primary school. When they realised it was no idle threat and I was going to do it then they got dressed super fast.

You might say that that is treating a 12 year old like a small child, but if he behaves like one and gets arsey with you then ........... !

It's what I would do if I couldn't leave them behind, though I don't doubt that some will disagree with me. It worked a treat here.

However, I would be most likely to just leave him behind. It would be the simplest solution. A 12 year old is usually very capable of being at home alone for a few hours. He might be upset and shocked the first time you do it but that's the point really, to ram the message home.

Your final sentence sums up how I felt perfectly.
I just wish I hadn't behaved like a wild banshee in the car😞