To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

Really? So anyone can claim they were pushed to the edge and excuse their behaviour? No.

Did you even bother reading the OP

I'm welling up at the burden of guilt he must know be enduring

As if 🤣 He’s a teenager. He doesn’t give a toss

Sometimes children push too far and need to be called out on it. It helps no-one to excuse obnoxious, bratty behaviour, OP, please don't be too hard on yourself. Just leave DD at home next time.

When people push you to the edge its not your fault when you fall off it.

This.

And that day will be a day your child learnt that if you push people beyond breaking point that an explosion is possible. Much like everyday life for all of us 😂

If my daughter is anything to go by though it won’t help, this event will continue repeating itself…… forever.

I think there is some truth in this idea that children need to see their parents as human.

Of course when they are tiny it’s fine if they think we are infallible; but learning as thru get older that we have our limits is part of learning what they can get away with in their own adult relationships . I have known someone who had never had a long term relationship because as soon as there is an argument they think it “ doesn’t work.”

No blame and no judgement. I was frustrated just reading it.

solidarity!

Next time drag him out in his pyjamas. You should only need to do this once.

Yes I read the OP and commented this morning. What's your point?

I have done something very similar, although not for as long as 20 minutes, and I understand how you feel. You need to take care of yourself, give yourself a break; this only happened because you were so stressed and overwrought.

DS1 (8) missed much of DS2's 6th birthday party. Fortunately DH was in the equation so he took DS2 who was on time and had a great time and didn't miss his DB who was pre-occupied with a lengthy stand-off over brushing his teeth. We arrived in time for food.
DS1 later admitted that he was jealous of DS2's birthday and all the presents he was going to get.

A few months later he was diagnosed with autism. It's why he finds getting out hard, including the process of getting ready and has a different attitude to "fun" things to most people. However his difficulties are not an excuse to dominate family life. There is compromise and sacrifice in both directions in order for family life to function.

Now he's 13, he can be left at home and in OP's position I'd have left the DS... and blocked most apps on his phone as well as disabling the wifi. TBH DS would be far happier at home than the theatre, but he would be sacrificing time on screens over it, and I'd have avoided booking him for something he'll strongly dislike and resist anyway. We're at an age where some things can be optional, and where he understands some things are not negotiable.

Neither of my DSs have effective executive function. Having had a DB have me on the cusp of detention throughout school as he faffed about in the mornings, I've always had a policy of not making others late (especially where there isn't a natural consequence on the offender). When they were young, there were a couple of occasions when I followed through on my warnings of finishing getting ready at their inconvenience. The lesson has stuck with them which helps now they're older and around the same size as me.

My two need notice to get ready, but not too long for it or they will drift. It's an awkward balance to have. We have "exit mode" which is the final stage of leaving the house of about 10-15 mins if they are otherwise dressed/ washed/ fed. We try and keep the process of getting ready as consistent as possible.

DS2 went to the toilet shortly before leaving the house for an activity this week. He was warned loudly that DS1 would enter the activity, appologise for being late and explain exactly why... DS2 emerged 3-4 minutes later, and they were on time

While a short rant is theraputic and can have a useful shock value- older children do need to know their actions impact on others, a 20 minute sweary rant is not adding anything of use, added to stress to the DD and is very far from ideal for safe driving with concentration.

The DS needs a serious follow-up conversation, and consequences when he behaves like this.
The DD needs an apology from OP and her DB.

I haven't read the full thread so apologies if this has already been said but do you think there is a possibility he has adhd? And then given the heredity of it and your feelings of stress about being late and the shouting could you have it too? Most important thing is to apologise to both children. I don't think you are being unreasonable I think you were overwhelmed.

@LyraLupin

does wanting to be on time for an event you’ve paid a lot of money for and shouting when you’ve been pushed to the limit mean adult adhd? 🤔

@Lavatera what about eg coming out for x event eg 2 hours early etc basically doubling your time you actually need etc

He’s 12. That’s old enough to be left at home. Don’t take him anywhere next time.

No. And her son doesn't necessarily have it either. Just that often people aren't aware of the symptoms other than the typical hyperactive 7 year old boy and if it does turn out that either of them have it then seeking support and diagnosis can be life changing. She might read around it now and feel it doesn't apply to her, or she might read around it and things suddenly click. It's obviously not something that can be diagnosed on a post on mumsnet.

I would have shouted at him too. He was selfish and ruined the night for your daughter, basically ruining her birthday present. At 12 he should realise that sometimes we have to do things for other people, and he should know he isn't an expert on road conditions. I wouldn't even apologise to him, he should be apologising to both of you. As for the swearing - he tipped you over the edge and made you angry and he's not a little boy anymore, he's nearly a teenager.

Meh. He fucked around and found out. Apologize to DD and don’t take him next time. Give yourself a break. If he’s going to act like a twat he needs to deal with the consequences

And that day will be a day your child learnt that if you push people beyond breaking point that an explosion is possible. Much like everyday life for all of us 😂

Fully agree with both of these comments.

He left it that long on purpose. He argued that he knew better than his mother.
He sat in the bathroom and waited until he decided it was time to leave.

OP , he needed to see what can happen when you try to control and ruin things for others in life.
Can you imagine the type of man that could be produced from a boy who was allowed to just carry on like that with no real repercussions or reaction?

Yeah he does need to feel the consequences. He is ALWAYS late so makes everyone late most of the time then? That’s pretty obnoxious and annoying. Fine, if he wants to be late for his own things but not for other people’s. It’s not all about him and l would be tempted to start leaving him behind. By the sounds of it he had a world of prompts and reminders but he knew best and made everyone late.

Maybe it took you losing it for him to take you seriously. Not ideal, but he has not listened to anything you did so far. And he needs to understand how unacceptable and selfish this was. It is not damaging for children to be exposed to anger when it is justified. Its what you do after that count.

People who are late, habitually absolutely boil my piss. Its so disrespectful and at 12 he is old enough to know this. so its time for consequences. whatever the next event you need to be on time for speak to him calmly beforehand with the timings. make it really clear that you and the rest of the family will be walking out of the door at that time, with or without him. he is 12. he can be left at home on his own. and when he fannys around and isnt ready, turn off the house wifi and leave. make it clear how he can contact you and what time you will be back. this is absolutely the only way to sort this out. he doesnt care about being late because you have always waited for him. so if nothing changes, nothing changes. thats why its down to you to change things and just not bring him along. if this fails to work then when its something he wants to do be deliberately late. let him see how it feels to turn up late to something you really want to go to. I only these things once with each of my children. they realised that if I said we left at 6pm we left at 6pm and they were either ready or stayed at home.

You are only human, give yourself a break! Don't listen to posts saying "you should have done this or that" - hindsight is a wonderful thing💐

Well it's never great but we've all been there.

I don't think it does any harm at all for a 12 year old to see under the surface occasionally, realise what fucking hard work all this adulting is and that they need to step up and start taking a bit more responsibility as they get older.

I expect you feel worse about it than your DS.

He ruined the evening, YANBU to go mad at him. The shouting probably ruined your DDs evening though which is unfair to her. I would have just gone without him. Next time don’t even invite him, he’s old enough to stay home for a few hours.

Id be apologising to your DD not your DS.