To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

I read your OP determined that nothing you could say would change my vote from YABU but then I read your full post, and I didn't vote.

Obviously shouting and swearing at somebody in an enclosed environment is horrific but you did absolutely everything that I can think of to help him to understand the importance of the event, the consequences for being late, and helped him with his timings. Going and sitting in the toilet for half an hour was utter contempt for you and for his sister, and along with his history I can 100% understand why you lost your temper. I also think that unpopular as my opinion may be with today's parenting experts, if positive motivation doesn't work then a properly negative consequence every now and again is no bad thing.

It IS sad for your DD that her birthday was ruined, and more so because of your shouting than because of the lateness. I would apologise wholeheartedly to her about that and do something nice just you two.

I would also in all honesty just arrange to go to future important events without him. If he particularly wants to come, he is ready on the very MINUTE that you tell him that he needs to be, or he is left behind - it won't be too long until he can be safely left alone.

Next time leave him behind or get somebody to babysit him. it is not fair for him to ruin everything just because he thinks he knows best.

He is 12 and if you tell him to get ready that is what he should be doing.

I put that YABU but only because you are obviously so stressed about it

It happens. . and your DS might be a bit more considerate of others and hopefully will see this as a wake up call.
Give him a big hug later if you still feel bad but do not apologise .

@Cuppachino
I'm definitely female.
Idk, try google. Plenty of Mumsnetters ask for help to stop nagging and refer to it, they can't all be men 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I know that the term 'nagging' is misogynous but it's also a thing. The OP said she was following her son around chivvying him along. How do you think the son would describe that? The son is hearing blah, blah, blah.

Another here in complete agreement.

I've been there and done that. I'm sorry but it doesn't get any easier as they head deeper into the teenage years.
If you feel really bad you could apologise for swearing but not for getting so thoroughly pissed off at him. He should be made to apologise to the rest of the family and next time he stays with someone without access to phones/youtube etc.

I'm welling up at the burden of guilt he must know be enduring.

Really? I bet he wasn't lying awake all night.

Remember, there is no bad behaviour-only undiagnosed conditions.

Nah, mate. Some kids definitely behave like little shits.

You are justified. I’d have gone mental too.
You are getting quite emosh with all the darling boy, baby 12 yes ago stuff. Give it a rest, everyones kid was a totally adored baby once, it doesn’t stop them behaving horribly later!
Next time do NOT take him! He didn’t have to come, he’s 12 and can be left.
I think you should try and book something else nice for your daughter.

More years ago than I care to remember my 13 year old brother was being a total arse. Dad was in hospital (he would never have behaved like it and been so disrespectful if Dad was there) so Mum was already stressed and brother had had several warnings from her that she was on a short fuse and wouldn't put up with much more. Anyway he was really nasty to our Grandma and Mum went ballistic. She didn't hit him but despite the fact he was taller than her, she backed him into a corner giving him a few home truths and he ended up crouched down and shaking. Mum eventually went upstairs and we could hear her sobbing.

After brother got himself back together he got on his bike, went to the shop and bought us all flowers and chocolates. Mum said she would not apologise and he agreed that he had been asking for it. There were hugs and tears all round. I wouldn't say he never stepped out of line again, but nothing on the scale that caused Mum's meltdown.

They remained the best of friends and he worshipped her until the day she died.

Miss you so very much Mum.

There is tears in my eyes reading that. Lovely story x

What's Mrs Browns Boys? Never heard of it. You seem to know all about it though.

To be quite honest it sounds like he deserved it and something needed to be said in a different way to not make him late all the time. I just would recommend not shouting for that length of time for any old misdemeanour. Hopefully it’s had its effect and he won’t do it again. Along as it’s a rare occurrence I shouldn’t think any damage had been done.

Fundamentally, I don't think it'll change his behaviour.

Better angels- you’ve made me giggle , you are on my wave length 😂😂

He's 12, I'd have left him at home.

That fact you are even feeling bad about it shows what a thoughtful mum you are. Do not even give it a second though.
you can of course apologise to them and say - sorry that I lost the plot but I was so angry and I had asked you continuously to just this once please be on time. But mummy shouldn’t have sworn and screamed as much as I did….or something along those lines.

i have 4 children and have shouted at my eldest two in particular quite a few times in their lives. Including in the car where they can’t get out.

they are not scarred - they know that they are loved and that parents are not perfect either. But equally it is ok to sometimes lose the plot - honestly It’s normal.

please don’t let the guilt eat you up.

I don't want to get into a to and fro but I'll just say this:

I think you might find that a lot of posts that agree with your open mind are taking the piss-they are better than me because they haven't been rumbled.

As you are nodding your head sagely agreeing with their wise words about apologising to the boy and sadly sympathising with those who feel their child must have something undiagnosed, as they can be on time when they want to be but not when their mum wants them to be....I think they're laughing up their sleeve!

Not all of course, some will believe it but I'm guessing they're not all sincere in what they say. It would be like asking posters to believe six impossible things before breakfast!

Have a lovely day and try to open your mind to the fact that some kids display shitty behaviour simply because they want to get away with it.

I'd apologise for the swearing.

Did he even want to go?

Not that that excuses it of course.

If he was so determined that no one needed to leave until he thought then the only way to prevent it would have been to leave him.

Actually the timeline isn't quite clear from the post, because at one point he was sat on the toilet for 30 minutes, but it also seems that he was being tailgated around the house... But anyway the post does state that at some point running up to leaving he said several times that he thought that his mum was wrong about how long it would take to get there and that she explained why she disagreed. It doesn't state that he deliberately made them late to prove his point, or that he did so to spoil his sister's birthday, or to be an arsehole to his mother, or to control the situation, or either that he's not similarly late for school trips or performances that he attends with friends, which are all assumptions of negative intention in the post I quoted.

Another vote for simply leaving him at home when he is late.

Absolutely disgraceful behaviour on his part. You did nothing wrong and it will be a good life lesson for him to have learnt what happens if you push people to breaking point. More kids need to learn this - some are so entitled as they've always come first.

I have an 18yo with SEN so I am quite well aware of the challenges of bringing up kids.

I would not let this go from the point of view of anxiety or potentially being ND. He wasn't struggling - he was capable of using his phone to find the place and backchat you about not needing to leave so early. He chose many times not to get ready etc.

His behaviour was selfish and arrogant and he needs to stop it - or he will upset people as he goes through life. I would not apologise. I would require him to apologise for not listening or doing as instructed and ruining an expensive birthday evening.

From your point of view, however:

1. you should have left him behind

2. why did you waste time brushing his hair or having him change? You should have told him to get out the door immediately at the leaving time, whatever he was wearing.

Anyway. You didn't ought to upset yourself over your outburst. It was more than deserved and he needs to learn that his actions have consequences.

When people push you to the edge its not your fault when you fall off it.

At 12 he fully knows what hes doing and its not SEN or time blindness, he didn't forget or lose track of time because no one reminded him or zone out if you where constantly on him... he simply argued that he knew better and wasn't going to accept anything other than HIS plan that it takes 35 minute... thats willful deliberate selfishness.

You have two kids an your daughter is the victim in this as the results of his actions not your son. You daughter who is the one that needs it 'making up too', frankly you DS should be made to use his savings to buy new like for like tickets to replace the experience he destroyed.

So you go to his room and take away phone, computer, electronic devices etc, and he can have them back when he’s learnt some respect.

But it sounds to me as if, having checked the route and the projected time, he just arrogantly discounted the OP’s allowances for traffic/rush hour - he was ‘right’ and was making a point of it.

Now and then I’ve had exactly the same problem with dh - who always hates leaving even 10 minutes before the time he thinks it ought to take - if there weren’t any snarl-ups or crawling traffic on the M25. 🤬
And dh has absolutely no ADHD or any other excuse/explanation. It’s just a male ‘I’ve got to be right’ thing. (Before anyone tells me to LTB I should add that he’s brilliant in virtually every other respect , though.🙂);

He behaved absolutely appallingly.