To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

I'm potentially showing my age here and probably going to get flamed, but no child needs a smartphone at that age. He didn't factor in the time to park, pay and get settled. He looked at Google Maps and saw the travel time Google Maps suggested based on current traffic and said "calm down" when you freaked out. If he's going to rely on an app to help him keep time instead of using his noggin, he's going to continue to be awful with timekeeping as he gets older.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · Today 13:09
Sorry but you ruined the night and owe both children a massive apology. You have let your son be late every time so now clearly tell him that in future he will get a five minutes before you leave warning and if he is not ready you will be leaving him behind. Follow through. If he is not ready you leave him behind. Your poor daughter.

Are you nuts?

Surely the aim here was to give DD a nice, stress free birthday night out? So what if he then has an excuse to not go?

Forcing DS to go, getting stressed about him being late and then screaming at him for 20 minutes is presumably on no one's to do list.

Yes it's irritating if you'd bought a ticket for him, but not as irritating as missing your seats.

Obviously it's easy for us to say this with hindsight. What's done is done. But instead of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, OP needs to change her game.

I would start with really trying to understand what's behind this behaviour. Control? Fight for autonomy? Jealousy? Demand avoidance? Appearance/ not wanting to go out in public? Struggling with the tasks involved in getting ready? You need to know what you're dealing with.

And I would also take away his phone. It's a distraction from getting ready. He can have it as he leaves the house.

Then I'd come up with some solutions agreed between you both on what needs to be put in place to prevent, and consequences if it keeps happening.

I would also try NOT telling him what to do or "nagging" at all, instead ask him what to do. "When do you need to be at x by?" "What do you need to do in order to get to X on time today?" "What thing are you doing to do first?"

That way he has to do the thinking and chivvying.

Sounds like the little shit deserved it, OP. It’s a shame for dd.

Time to start leaving him at home.

How did he react when you were all late and missed the start and lost your seats? Any reaction?

Is he late when it matters to him, or only for others?

I would also have lost the plot about deliberate know-it-all dawdling like that.
A good dose of you being late taking him somewhere important to him might help with his attitude to time management.

I would be asking him why, in the cold light of day, he thought his behaviour was in any way, shape or form acceptable. What did he gain from treating his little sister with such utter contempt? Make him sit down and actually think about it, after the event.

I also agree that’s absolute nonsense.

He has actually got off very very lightly.
The first thing is he would lose the phone for …ages. And it would be explained to him that through selfishness or stupidity he had made the family late.

He thought he knew better than you, insisted/manipulated it so that you had 35 minutes, and in doing so Fucked It up for everyone else.

He just has to be told (and put into action) that he will only get the chance to fuck it up for himself, from now on.
So, he can make himself late for school/ Sports /music whatever, but he has to be stood over and shouted at if other people are involved.

And then to really drive home the point, I would pick an occasion that’s important to him, and deliberately make him late for it.

Good example of people on here assigning negative intent!

Is that the first time you shouted at him? Then I'd apologise for that. If it repeatedly happens, I'd try to find the root cause.

I can't stand people who are late. It's like they just don't care about other people's plans.

You probably went OTT with the shouting, but I bet it's not the first time he's acted like this, is it, and it is so disrespectful to you and DD, particularly as he'd been told plenty in advance that it was happening that day.

Sit him down and talk to him. Apologise for the shouting and swearing, but tell him in no uncertain terms that he ruined the evening, and will be punished for it.

My son is the same and nothing I have tried has helped. I think giving them a time which is earlier than the time you actually need to leave can help. The only one getting upset was me so I have had to live with it. I totally get your rage though. It's a frustration like nothing else. It's so disrespectful to you ..that's how I felt anyway. Don't beat yourself up.

That's just silly talk. It is okay to feel anger and annoyance sometimes. I mean, a quick google would tell you this. Ok, shouting and swearing is something we all try to avoid but if it happens once, like in this scenario, it's fine. No-one will be scarred forever.

To be fair op did give a lot of warning and don’t discount his “research” into the trip time.

Sounds more like adolescent bolshiness to me.

You are incorrect.

I have indeed shouted at my child before, and OP is human, which I said in MY first post.

I don't however agree that more shouting is necessary, helpful or a good solution, no.

But you won't find me making unfunny troll posts disparaging other people's opinions.

In all honesty sometimes as they get older I think kids need to see that we are human amd that their actions (or inaction) has consequences not only for them but those around them they need to learn they are not the centre of the universe. Of course it wasn't nice swearing and shouting for that long but I think sometimes it's understandable and it doesn't sound from your post like it's a usual occurance for you. I have major rage outbursts at the moment due to menopause and even on HRT I can still have the occasional outburst. Don't beat yourself up about it and maybe talk to him properly about why you had that outburst and that whilst you're sorry for it you need him to understand that his behaviour has consequences and he needs to be accountable for his part in it as you are being accountable for yours. He also needs to apologise to his sister whose birthday treat he ruined.

This!!! Some kids need this. Nothing else works with some.

I don't believe a word you say. I have never met a woman who refers to another woman as "naggy". I'm out.

Remember, there is no bad behaviour-only undiagnosed conditions.

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ADHD and demand avoidance perhaps.

One of my children is like this, and I have been like you. More frustratingly, they are sometimes on time, for things they are very motivated to be on time for. But they genuinely cannot help it.

The guilt will pass. Don't beat yourself up. You were trying to do a lovely thing, but if it's any help at all, he perhaps can't help it.

BambooBambou His intent was negative.
He made them late to prove his point, which went spectacularly wrong.
He calculated how much time he would have to waste to get his timings accepted.

@EclairsAndDoughnuts love this. You are not going to tell me but please could you share how old are you (range in 5 year blocks) male or female, have you got kids yourself and what is your day like today; are you at work, school, off sick….

It would be really appreciated if you would share. The above information won’t out you.

I hate the word nagging too but what I mean by it is asking/telling the same thing again and again.

I actually have noticed when I've been naggy myself and how unhelpful it is in getting results so I understand why the poster said this!

Much better in my experience to say something once, clearly, with clear consequences, or as I said in a pp not to remind the child at all but to ask THEM what they need to do and by when.

😂😂You nearly got me with this.

Wow I'm really taken aback by how many people were nearly got by this and also find it funny.

Maybe it's the same people who watch Mrs Browns Boys

Sometimes it's all about the repair, OP. You're a human being. It's OK for him to see that. A lot of their learning from us is seeing us be less than perfect and how we react to that.

Well I’m going go be that poster and say,
now imagine if a man had written this exact op? He’d be called abusive and aggressive with anger issues and his wife would be asked to leave him for the sake of her children.