To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

Not ideal but tbh it’s sounds really stressful and you are only human.

Hopefully this was the lesson he needed.

I feel frustrated and anxious just reading your post, so I'm not surprised you lost it in the car.

I hope you got to see the performance in the end.

I've got no suggestions, you could leave him at home but that gives him an excuse not to go to things he doesn't want to. Or you could I could arrange something similar for him, and do it back, but that just seems petty

Sorry but you ruined the night and owe both children a massive apology. You have let your son be late every time so now clearly tell him that in future he will get a five minutes before you leave warning and if he is not ready you will be leaving him behind. Follow through. If he is not ready you leave him behind. Your poor daughter.

You were taking the piss.

Phew. Frighteningly, it was very convincing

He absolutely MUST apologise to his sister.

Sounds like you kept it together to me.
There would be big consequences for him in this house.
Gaming would be gone.
Next time he is doing ANYTHING of importance to HIM, he would have a taste of exactly what he did.
He needs to know this will not be tolerated.
I certainly wouldn't be apologising.
I would be taking DD out for an extra treat and hd can sit at home.
People grow up to be selfish arses because bullshit like this was tolerated when they were young.

Yes, I am although it is not a million miles away from other posts.

No one is perfect. I’d have a conversation once things calm down. You shouldn’t have shouted and sworn but his behaviour was totally unacceptable. He needs to apologise to you and his sister whose birthday treat he ruined. It sounds like he didn’t want to go.
In future I’d leave him. He’s 12 fine to be home for a few hours. Maybe book something he wants to go to. We are leaving at x time be ready or you aren’t coming. Missing out on something he cares about.

Also agree with others that he does definitely owe his sister an apology.

Yeah I found both this and your original troll post unfunny and a poor level of trolling tbh. Maybe people just have different points of view rather than write things to feel warm and fuzzy. Having an open mind and using empathy so you can understand other people think differently to you is really cool, try it!

I’d also not tolerate any of the second guessing an adult. As driver you decide when to go. Take the phone off him or swap it for a brick so he can’t do the cocky google says it’s 35 mins. He was probably say in his phone in the toilet.

You are only human and the stress sent you over the edge, I totally get it, i have a DS12 exactly the same who I have to tell a million times to do something, never just does it first time. On this occasion I would have went without him.

In future could you not tell him an earlier time than the actual time if you know he has form for this?

Edited to say I would also be saying we leave when I say not when you think.

I hate being late, it makes me so stressed and anxious! And my kids have picked up on it so if I tell them to be ready, they are ready. The husband in the other hand, not so much!!
I would have gone without your son, do this a few times and eventually he will miss something he actually wants to go to and learn a valuable lesson.

I got the rage just reading your post, YANBU.

Treat your daughter to make up for her missing part of the show and losing her prime seat because of her horrible, selfish brother.

Whatever he wants for his birthday - he doesn’t get it.

Well, it wasn't ideal but it played out as you said it would and he was to blame for you missing the start of the show. Everyone has their limits and this was you being pushed to the edge.

He did spoil the start of the evening by making it unnecessarily stressful for everyone. Actions/inactions have consequences.

I would refuse to take him anywhere again and remind him of this event.

I’d also make sure I booked another treat for dd. Don’t do something he wants to go to to pay for it.

Haha such nonsense.

He will remember you shouting at him forever. As will your daughter. She won't blame her brother for ruining her birthday. She will, rightly, blame you If you don't want your relationship with both your child permanently spoiled you need to rescue this fast

When my mum used to shout at us we knew WE'D pushed her too far. I absolutely lost my shit at my 13yo DD last month, after YEARS of something similar. Every single thing I tried failed. Since I lost my shit, I've had an apology and a dramatic turn around. And no, she's not scared of me. We've even managed to laugh about it since. Really not funny at the time though.

To be honest OP all the things you have said you shouted at him were true. He was being selfish, there was traffic and he did make you late for something you had made a real effort with for your DD.

Obviously it wasn’t a masterclass in how to parent, but I’m pleased you have had some support from other posters. A lady with a young baby recently posted that she had shouted at her DH while in a hotel and you wouldn’t believe the string of sanctimonious comments.

We all know shouting isn’t ideal , but we are human. To be honest your DS needed a consequence. It wasn’t the ideal consequence, but it was one.

Just sit him down today and say you are sorry - and particularly to your poor dd who probably feels indirectly responsible - but explain that it meant a lot to you and if he stubbornly screws things up for people when it means a lot to them, he will get adverse responses. Because he will, and he needs to learn that.

Big virtual hug because it’s hard when yours trying your best to be a good parent and it goes awry.

Personally OP, I don’t think you did anything wrong. He is selfish and he needed to hear it. Hopefully he will learn from this incident. But then again hopefully you will as well: next time you leave him at home and he owes you the money from his unused ticket.

It's really interesting though, the divergence of responses on here and essentially two different approaches to parenting. Lots of people essentially saying that 12-year-olds should know better by now and assigning blame (and therefore shouting and swearing or some other form of punishment is acceptable). But others saying that the son needs support not blame as there's a reason for this behaviour which is either age-related or perhaps ADHD etc (and therefore a other actions - which might include appropriate punishment but more likely to include reconnection, talking, support and investigating underlying conditions to support a change of behaviour). And those with the former approach are very sceptical of the latter!

I actually think he’s had his consequence in the shouting episode.
Talk it over then suggest you all wipe the slate clean op. Learning to forgive and move on is an important life skill.

I would have done the same. Next time just leave him behind if he's not ready.

Sure will.

What do you think of my original post saying that he needed more shouting at, not less and needs to pay for the family ticket.

is your mind open to that point of view?

If not-to quote you- " Having an open mind and using empathy so you can understand other people think differently to you is really cool, try it."

Somehow though, I think your "open mind" only reflects your own tired opinion and won't open up to those who think the OP was not wrong to shout at him at all.

I thought that but he’s only 12 and it sounds as though it was quite a trip, not just round the corner.

Totally disagree with posters who are apologising for your DS’s behaviour. ND? Executive Function? Noooope. From the OP’s behaviour, he’s just being a smart arse who has been allowed to answer back and ignore his parents. At 12 years old telling you to calm down? Arguing with you that you’ve got your travel times wrong? I’ve seen friends with DCs like this. It’s a bed they’ve made for themselves.