To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

Where's the Bollocks button when you need it! If your post is meant to be ironic then I apologise!

This has got to be a troll-y type joke.

Don't be daft! He knew what he was doing - he was bloody arguing with his own mother about the driving time.

This is selfish bratty behaviour. He won't be enduring guilt. He'll be delighted that he 'won' and spoiled something for his sister.

That doesn’t sounds entirely right?!

Which bit?

@EclairsAndDoughnuts

oh dear

They lose excess connections, and as young adults the network wires start working faster

How bloody stressful. I would be raging too. It's really selfish behaviour from your son. Being firm and reasonable has not worked and maybe completely losing the plot will get it into his head that he has been selfish and ruined a family treat. Next time, he doesn't go. Simple.

EclairsAndDoughnuts · Today 12:48
How upsetting for your son to now have to accept that he spoiled his sister's birthday treat.

Please ask your daughter to tell him it's ok. give him a hug and tell him she still loves him.

You do the same OP. You verbally abused a child who was was trying to advise you, wrongly, but he was only trying to help in what he thought was an adult way.

I'm welling up at the burden of guilt he must know be enduring.

The poor boy is more than likely struggling with some form of neurodivergence disorder and the sooner you and your daughter realise this, the easier life will be.
Remember, there is no bad behaviour-only undiagnosed conditions.

You are having a laugh. Wind them up and watch them go.
We have clearly all got it so very wrong - 'there is no bad behaviour...'

Are you sure he's your son and not a fully grown man-child partner?! Who has he learned from that it's acceptable to contradict you about leaving times, go to the loo for 30 minutes instead of getting ready...?

Why are you giving explanations about why it's not 35 minutes? We need to leave at X time, get ready. This isn't a negotiation.

Haven't read the full thread but wanted to say you're not alone. Been there done that and had the guilt after too. It's horrible and takes ages to wear off. Apologise to your DD, apologise to your DS, take responsibility for your behaviour and acknowledge that you should have handled yourself better. Show them that mistakes happen and can be moved on from.

Regarding your DS, and apologies if this has been mentioned by PP, does he have SEN? ADHD? My DD is like this with time and I found the concept of 'time blindness' really explains her. If he's like this a lot and has been before (nearly) becoming a teenager then it might help you to consider ways to manage this. Trying to reason or set time boundaries simply doesn't work if this is the issue.

Good luck

Fact checking times and telling me is exactly what my autistic son would have done.

Except- and I appreciate it is hard to understand if you aren't this way- timekeeping and deadlines can be hugely stressful to ADHD and its a form of anxiety with the expectation of them. I am a fully grown adult and my mind fights me on this all day long- telling myself it doesn't matter yet relieves the anxiety. And then my mind hyper focuses on something that doesn't cause anxiety. Time has always felt like some weird abstract thing that doesn't flow evenly. Focusing on it is very uncomfortable.

The OP needs to understand this is in her sons makeup- because it really sounds like it is- and approach it with the same support you'd give in say sitting down with a kid with dyslexia and reading through instructions with them rather than leaving them to figure it out on their own. Or giving an autistic kid what they need to centre themselves in new situations.

Yes this might mean popping in every few minutes. It might mean giving a deadline ahead of your actual one. It might mean enforcing little deadlines ahead of leaving- eg. I'm coming in at X time and I need to see you dressed. If you aren't dressed then I will stay in your room until you are. And then shouting down a countdown- ten minutes until I will be checking if you are dressed, 5 minutes etc. I know it sucks and it's a pain but for something important that's just how you need to do it. The last minute rush focus with the little deadlines will get them moving.

In my adult life I have never managed to make deadlines ok. They are a constant exhausting battle in my head. I have learnt workarounds with my husband and having a very flexible working role.

She absolutely shouldn't leave her son out. She should talk to him about what little things might help her plan for future situations and ask him honestly and gently what is going on in his head and how he feels she should approach future situations so it doesn't happen again.

I feel like I would have been the same. Teenagers aren’t the greatest. I would start lying to him. Show starts at 7pm tell him 6pm etc. If he isn’t going to change easily then you need a coping mechanism and if he complains you can say until he can reliably be on time then he and privy that information

@gardenmusic

Yes, tis bollocks. I just wanted to see if presenting an alternative view to my real view-posted earlier.

So many posters write this sort of thing, I wondered if it made them feel warm and fuzzy to do so and if I did the same, if it would have that effect on me too.

It didn't.

Whilst your reaction was wrong as you know I do understand how you reacted like you did after the repeated reminders (almost sounds like he was delaying on purpose). Sit down and apologise for how you behaved BUT Explain that obstructing like that has consequences, remove the ticket price from any savings he has to pay for dd to go again in the decent seat (he can do chores is he doesn’t have the savings). Prior to any more times he needs to be ready explain the time needed to leave and the consequence for not being ready- make sure it’s something that will ‘hurt’ no screen time, remove phone etc. and stick to it even if he’s 5 mins late.

https://parenting.kars4kids.org/the-adolescent-brain-gray-matters/amp/

God don’t apologise to him! He should be apologising to you! She did all that faffing about to support him to leave it was explained in her op. God some of you must be saints. Actually I struggle to believe the saintly mums would be so calm and perfect in such a situation.

EclairsAndDoughnuts
Apologies for not spotting the irony. Thing is, there are so many who do think this, or pretend they do.

I agree with this. Once or twice - some kids need a parental explosion to drive the message home. I think there is a huge problem in assuming that all DC will be damaged by a shouting explosion when they have behaved badly. No amount of thoughtful, calm discussion works with some - those for whom the former is just water off a duck’s back, so to speak.

He ruined his sister’s birthday treat. He was rude and selfish.

Why would she apologise for being angry. Her anger was justified as was her shouting. This boy's going to struggle with life if he doesn't get his act together.

Absolutely 2000 % agree that ADHD and ASD are not excuses for poor behaviour.
The thing is though that shouting is unlikely to work. Parents of ND children need different approaches and even more patience, but they still need to steer their DC towards adulthood.

I'm not blaming OP for reaching the end of her tether. I've been there. But shouting for 20 minutes won't achieve a different outcome. And in the meantime OP and her DC are upset.

I'm also inclined to agree with the posters advising not to engage in arguments with a 12 year old. Even a child with neurodivergence - and we don't know this is the case here - can learn that there are times when mums word is absolute.

This may help.
www.additudemag.com/dear-additude-how-can-i-help-my-chronically-late-teen-be-on-time/

Would he refuse to be ready earlier and actively waste time even after an explanation of why you needed to leave earlier than the time Google maps told him?

You have got to be taking the piss. Nobody can be THIS wet, surely?

Didn't you even get to move seats at the interval ?!?

That's awful

You didn't do anything that bad, sounds completely infuriating

Next time tell him the wrong time and the second he goes over that, leave him behind.

Also, make sure you do this for HIS events - his parties, his birthday treats.

He MUST face the consequences of his actions - last night you and your daughter faced the consequences

Leave him at home next time. He sounds like a little shit.