To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

I've heard it all now. You are so very clearly a man. "A naggy mum".

Interesting / shocking responses. If a woman posted that her DH shouted and swore at her for 20 mins because she was late for a birthday trip, I doubt people would be telling her she deserved it

Imagine if they missed a flight because she was mucking about and 20 min late... there would be contemplations of divorce.

I think he sounds like a selfish little shit tbh. He's 12 not 2. Sounds like this isn't the first time he's caused you to be late.

'I get some of your points completely but where do you get off calling a 12 year old controlling'

I just cannot be bothered to explain or argue with the 'gentles'. Pre teens/teens can be very, very controlling.

You need to give plenty of notice and if his not ready just go without him. A 13 yr old probably did not want to go to the theatre.

Imagine the replies if the OP were male

Doubt he would have done it if the OP had been a male telling him to 'Get ready now!'

I would have left on time and if he wasn't ready left him behind. He's old enough for you to do this and he was warned.

I feel for you OP it's so infuriating but the only way to save your sanity is to pass the consequences back to him.

I would sit down with your DD and DS and have an honest, open conversation about this. Apologise sincerely for your outburst but explain the pressures that led to it. They are old enough to understand this and that Mum is only human. Then explain that in future if you set a deadline for leaving you will stick to it and if anyone is not ready they will be left behind.

Having and expressing emotions doesn't have to involve shouting or ranting, come on.

I suspect op does shout like that at her workplace, so she's making a choice about who she is able to shout at when they upset her.

Frustrating as a child's behaviour can be, it doesn't give you license to do anything you like to them.

He's a selfish little shit, the least he needed was someone shouting at him for 20 minutes. I would suggest you should have done this many years ago and maybe he wouldn't be continually acting like he is!

Oh, I like that! Or, set up something he really, REALLY enjoys for his birthday, and then, decide not to go.

Honestly, I'd still be angry. If he had a phone or game consoles/iPad etc., I'd take them away since he obviously isn't old enough to have them since he cannot get ready on time and has to mouth off. With age comes fun, like game consoles, phones, iPads, trips and treats. It also comes with responsibility to the family to not ruin fun for others.

@Cuppachino

No, I'm female. Asking if she was a 'naggy mum' was a genuine question. The son isn't listening to her and if she confirmed she was a naggy Mum then I'd suggest switching tactics. If I'd followed my kids around when they were teens trying to get them to hurry up it wouldn't have worked. They would have tuned out. Mine responded well to clear instructions with consequences. No shouting and no 'nagging' but definite consequences.
All kids are different but that's what worked for my kids.

Funnily enough punctuality was one thing that my kids were and still are good for. The deal was that I would provide very generous lift giving services but the kids had to be perfectly punctual. I'd happily pick the kids up from clubs in the early hours for example but they would have to be exactly on time. I know it wouldn't work for everyone but it did with my kids.

I don’t imagine anyone at her workplace would be that fucking annoying on purpose.

Of course it’s not great but the fact the poor woman is now hand wringing about having damaged her “precious” son indicates this is hardly a regular occurrence that she has thinks is fine and normal.

My lovely parents occasionally lost it with me as an early teen - looking back justifiably so! Didn’t damage our relationship in the least.

Before I can offer any opinion on his behaviour I'd want to know if he is also late for things he wants to go to himself?

@Lavatera
..he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive.

This is an extraordinary attitude and behaviour of a TWELVE year old towards their parent in this situation. If you tell a child you are leaving at a certain time, then that's when you leave. It is absolutely not for the child to TELL an adult they are wrong and do their own research. He's not an adult to negotiate with.

It is disrespectful but also isn't something that would have appeared overnight and telling to me of an unhealthy child/parent dynamic. This is very knowing unpleasant behaviour - it's not say a 6 year old who might be forgiven for not understanding. He has gone out of his way to disobey, disrespect parental rules/requests and ruin something for his sister.

He's probaby deep down delighted for all the shouting and the fact you waited and were late - because it shows he can exercise power and be in control. He has "won" in his child world view. This is a very very unhealthy way to raise a child.

The child depends on you for everythign - food, warmth, roof over their head so it should be your way or the highway to put it in simplistic terms. Your home, your rules. Next time, don't take him. If he's late he can't come, that's it. Arrange with a neighbour/friend/grandparent back up emergency babysitting and just go.

Sorry to be blunt but I read that and though 'what a nasty little brat." As I say, he's 12. This is not a toddler or baby with no common sense or understanding.

Actually one of dds friends mums lost it spectacularly at her Dd and the friends last year for waking her up in the middle of the night. They are all very careful around her now. Don’t think any less of her!

When my son was 7 he played this game when going to school - had plenty of warning
After a few days of this I lost my rag and he walked to the car in his underwear and had to get dressed in the car. Was it my finest parenting hour - no, did he do it again - no as he knew that I would follow through on my threat.

I would have done the same last night - the alarm goes off to go and he goes in whatever attire he is dressed in. If there is enough time when you get there he gets changed in the car. He won't pull that bs again

All the ones excusing the son and berating the OP are the people raising the next generation of entitled men. What is it exactly that they think the OP should have done differently? She tried everything to get him to be ready on time. They clearly would have fallen into line with what the son told them to do.

I would have lost my shit too @Lavatera. As many have said before, your response wasnt ideal but he has experienced the natural consequences of his actions and learned that you’re a human being too. I would speak to him when you’re calmer and explain that his behaviour ruined the evening for everyone and you do not ever want to be driven to speak to him like that again.

Your 'precious' DS is 12 and has the nerve to ruin events consistently by not bothering to get ready despite repeated reminders, fails to learn from previous occasions, and has the absolute audacity to contradict you on driving times and tell you to 'calm down'?!

What consequences are there for him? How are you permitting this entitled behaviour from a 12 year old?! Unbelievable. If you want him to change his ways, you are going to have to introduce some consequences for him and punishment for things like deliberately ruining your daughter's birthday treat. Has he apologised at all for his behaviour?

If I say ‘we’ve all been there’ someone will come along to correct me but I’ve sooooooo been there. (Recently afterwards and imagine the guilt when your rant comes on the way into their most fun day of the year in school and you hurry them out of the car! By the way when I apologised he said ‘it’s ok, we had the best day and I’d forgotten about it by the time I walked into the school- I was worrying all day!!)

As long as it’s not a weekly/ daily occurrence, as long as you can have a chat that covers you both (he needs to know you were stressed because of him, wanted a good evening etc but he was well out of line etc) Hopefully it just fades away and you can all end up having a fun birthday weekend instead of the theatre x

How upsetting for your son to now have to accept that he spoiled his sister's birthday treat.

Please ask your daughter to tell him it's ok. give him a hug and tell him she still loves him.

You do the same OP. You verbally abused a child who was was trying to advise you, wrongly, but he was only trying to help in what he thought was an adult way.

I'm welling up at the burden of guilt he must know be enduring.

The poor boy is more than likely struggling with some form of neurodivergence disorder and the sooner you and your daughter realise this, the easier life will be.

Remember, there is no bad behaviour-only undiagnosed conditions.

I don’t think it’s great you shouted but none of us are perfect. I think you should apologise (for shouting) but sit him down and explain how frustrating and stressful it is, make it clear that in future this behaviour is not on and will incur repercussions, such as being left on your own next time or other sanctions. Shouting usually
doesnt work just leaves everyone feeling stressed and sad. Ball in his court as to how he is going to address his lateness moving forward and make it clear it’s not acceptable. I mean that sounds easy and I know it’s not but I have a son very similar and it has taken a long time to get to where we are now.

Kids lose 40% of their grey brain cells during puberty and they don’t fully come back till they’re 23.

My 13 year old has ADHD on top of that. She wasn’t ready for her activity on time last night and then realised in the car she had the wrong uniform on and had to decide whether to go home and change and be late or to be on time but in the wrong clothes.

We’re working on the strategies she needs to get where she needs to on time but still needs countdowns. I’ve found the most effective thing is to turn off her (already limited) screentime when she should be doing something else.

(Also ADHD with time blindness and I’m often late so I do get it.)

I'm welling up at the burden of guilt he must know be enduring.

You think he does?

Remember, there is no bad behaviour-only undiagnosed conditions.

Yeah right...

I would absolutely apologise for swearing and shouting for so long and then talk about it. It was - as you are now feeling - disproportional to his actions - but at the same time understandable as you can only hold so much (ideally we would always be grounded for our kids but life can throw a lot at us). For posters saying that it's ok - he's only 12, brain very much not yet developed, and he wasn't being malicious! Either as a child or adult I'd find that level of anger directed traumatic. My parents shouting at me had a lasting effect, but they never said sorry - they were always right, and we never had a chance to work things out differently. I think an apology can really save things (so please don't panic about what you did having a lasting effect!), mend the rift, show him that you have respect for him, show him that you are human and at the same time that's a really great model for him if he goes through similar later in life. I'd also try to get to the bottom of why he is always late and work on steps to deal with that - try doing different things, really investigating and brainstorming and planning. But don't panic and feel bad, see it as an opportunity for learning and understanding each other better.