To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

To whoever it was bemoaning the fact that slapping is no longer acceptable - a boy who is slapped may turn into a teen who punches you back. And a man who punches down.

The main point is your losing it could have got you all killed. Road rage happening right inside the car which you're driving while you're not in your right mind or under self control.

And your blameless daughter helpless and unable to escape. She will remember that incident.

I had a conversation with mum at the weekend about the one (ONE) time my dad lost it at the dinner table with my 10 year old brother. It was nearly half a century ago. We remember.

There could be a lot causing it.

‘Adolescent knows best’ shittiness because the immature brain is lurching towards adulthood and hasn't got there yet, but thinks it has? This is where you need help to learn and change as you become the mother of adolescents, not little children. There are courses.

Young male embarrassment at spending time in a perceived female activity with mum and little sister? What's his Dad like? What kind of messages in general is he getting about women? Maybe time to find out what he's being exposed to.

(Puts hard hat and steel toecap boots on… 👇)

Is neurodiversity making itself felt? Social anxiety, worry about being outside, going to a noisy environment, locking himself in the toilet as a barrier to having to go out, difficulty planning and carrying out getting ready tasks, time blindness / rigid approach to timing and when would be the right time to leave etc?

And as ND is genetic; meltdowns, inability to cope with challenging situations - is that you?

It would be wise to read up on that.

Well done for asking for help here, it must be terrifying. All the best.

Yes yes complete miracle they survived the telling off

Sounds like he needs to be left at home with a babysitter next time.

I don’t think screaming and swearing at a child for 20min is going to work as a punishment - if he was not getting ready on purpose to wind you up, it worked for him - he probably shut down when you started screaming. Is he needing more control over his choices - did he want to go?

My guess would be that he did not want to go in the first place so he sabotaged it for you. Agree with PP who pointed this is a controlling male behavior/ weaponized incompetence. Maybe you should have left him at home, but that's probably what he wanted in the first place.

Yes people should just act like robots instead shouldn't they? Anyone showing any emotions (especially mothers), should have their children removed immediately. Also, you're scared? Really?

I think I'd sit both down seperately and have a calm conversation, apologising for the outburst and explaining why you were so angry but that you are sorry for upsetting them both.

For DD, id book something for the 2 of you.

And for DS, I think id make a new rule that fhe must be on time from now on, if he is even one minute late in the next 6 months, you will makensure you leave the house late, to the same amount of time as he was for the show. If that means he cannot practically go to something e.g. laser tag with a specific time, then hard cheese. It stops now.

What exactly is bollocks, @gardenmusic ?

You don't know OP or her son, presumably? This is all very viable. Try having an open mind 👍

I would have felt the same. It sounds really annoying. Especially the teen arrogance of telling you that there was more than enough time for the journey. My teens used to do that and it used to drive me mad.

It is always sensible to leave a time buffer before a special event. You might have gone a little bit over the top, but you are absolutely within your right to feel angry and I hope it makes a difference.

I’d have been furious at him too. Don’t beat yourself up he sounds like an inconsiderate little shit. He deserved a telling off

hope you are punishing him for ruining everyone’s evening

I would have left him behind. Don't beat yourself up.

I’ve been there too - you’re not alone. It’s not ideal parenting but it’s inevitable that you’ll lose your 5hit at some point in the 18+ years they’re at home ….if you have angels then lucky you, but most don’t.

This reminded me of my sons, when they were pre and early teens. They thought they knew better than me, about how long it would take to get ready. They were the same about getting to school on time, eventually I let them be late, I had to be out of the house earlier than they did, and when they went to secondary school, they took the bus themselves, so once they were old enough I just left them to it. They soon sharpened up their act, and got there on time.
Telling you how long the journey would be, sounds rather arrogant, to me.
I brought mine up in a reasonable way, my tendency was to explain and give reasons, why they should do things my way, giving them the idea, when they were older, that if they won the argument, they could get their own way. So I realised that in a lot of situations, it's better to let them 'fuck about and find out!' Leaving him behind would have been my solution.

'I would have left him behind. Don't beat yourself up'.

I would add with a babysitter. If this is, as I suspect controlling behaviour, OP could be opening up a whole world of trouble by leaving him alone in the house.
Ranging from 'Poor boy, sister being treated while he has to stay at home' to leaving to go somewhere he should not, to damage to himself and the home.

That will teach them not to do as he wants.

i wouldn't apologise.
he does this all the time and isn't sorry.
he ruined his sisters night and wasted your money.
why are you upset at your poor baby ds?
apologise to your dd! Her big night was ruined.
how many of her nights/days have been ruined like this? Yours?
next time he is not invited.

is he ever late when its a thing for HIM?

I wouldn't be apologising for shouting and getting angry, he deserved every bit of it, continue giving him the impression it's your fault by apologising and he'll never learn!
Plan something he really want to do, even pretend to have tickets, then deliberately miss it, he may understand.
I'm not of the contemporary view that 12 year olds are still babies, they're not and are old enough to accept the consequences of their behaviour.

I would've done the same. In future stop taking him and tell him why until he behaved better.
Tbh sounds like he wanted to sabotage her evening in sibling jealousy and your reaction was appropriate

I understand why people are suggesting ADHD but I need a lot more information before I can agree with that. For what it's worth I have private and NHS diagnoses of "severe" combined (inattentive and hyperactive) ADHD, and have been medicated since 2021. I absolutely struggle with time blindness and executive functioning but my autism adds enough intense anxiety that I'm usually two hours early for things 🙃 DH has ADHD (without ASD) and he is a deeply frustrating Chronic Faffer. I have to leave the room when he's faffing because the rage makes me want to smash through a wall, like the Hulk.

When I'm having a particularly time blind day, I'll be actively trying to get ready but it's like time speeds up around me. Suddenly I have lost an hour and no matter what I try, I'm fumbling around and getting nothing done. I can give myself extra time but even that doesn't help because I manage to fill it with... I'm not even sure what.

Your DS argued that you were overestimating the time you needed, he decided to sit on the toilet for ages instead of getting ready, then he got annoyed with you (told you to calm down, etc) when you started helping him. In my experience, if it was ADHD, he would have become stressed and panicky when he realised how behind schedule he was, not defensive and exasperated.

BUT you said he has always been like this and has made you late for lots of important appointments. Is he ever late for things he wants to do? When he's farting around instead of following instructions, what exactly is he doing? Has he ever been capable of setting his own alarm and getting himself ready on time?

The swearing wasn't great but totally understand why you lost it. Your precious, darling boy sounds like a bit of an arsehole - really disrespectful to you (arguing at you to 'calm down', telling you that he knew better than you about the time it would take to get there, putting his fingers in his ears while being told off) and his sister - he doesn't seem to give a shit that he ruined her special birthday event. He'd be paying for another ticket for his sister out of his pocket money and he would not be going to any important future events until he could demonstrate some basic manners and consideration for others.

No she didn't handle it well, she should have gone without him, taking him is all she did wrong!

I would tell him that if he cannot start being ready on time for the everyday stuff, the next time there is an important event, he can stay home with a babysitter since he can not act grown-up enough to act reasonably. Then do it.

I get some of your points completely but where do you get off calling a 12 year old controlling ? At 12 children are still learning and I'm talking genrally speaking not set in stone but most 12 years old that behave in this way,it usually due to being immature. Op isn't bad mouthing her son so neither should we.

I'd lost it too. But I'm more worried about your DD. Is it possible to repeat the evening JUST with her? If I were you, next time I'd just leave DS at home and use the money for his ticket/ meal, etc. to pay for a babysitter so he doesn't really get what he wants (being home alone, I guess).

@Lavatera op.. have we scared you off?? Lol

I think you sound like a saint. I would’ve been furious and it sounds like he is behaving selfishly. Also it’s clearly not a one off - his timekeeping is dire. I don’t know what would be ‘usual’ at 12 for a boy but I won’t be tolerating faffing from my son.. I like to be on time and I expect him to follow suit!! Next time don’t take him. Or when he wants to meet a mate, take ages faffing then see how he likes it.

Don’t let him off the hook - he needs to learn to keep on top of time and being organised. It’s not as if you didn’t help him along!!! Don’t beat yourself up. He should feel wrath!