To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

He sounds like a baby twat. He’s not late because he’s overly optimistic, or disorganised. He’s late so he can spoil his sisters birthday, be an arsehole to his mother, and control the situation. I don’t go in for shouting much, but I would have removed his phone and made him pay for the tickets. I would also take your dd on another nice trip and not take him anywhere ever. If his teacher tells the class that they have to be in a certain place at a certain time to go in a trip does he turn up 15 minutes late because he’s goggle mapped it? Does he let his mates miss a performance? Does he bollocks.

I agree that the shouting and swearing is not ideal but, as others have said, you're human, sometimes humans don't do the right thing.

What is key now is how you handle the situation going forward. You should absolutely apologise for the shouting and swearing. And in that way, you actually model a useful lesson for DC: we're human, we make mistakes, we lose it sometimes but we own, acknowledge and apologise for these mistakes, and we agree a plan as to how avoid making them again.

The fact also is though that your DS behaved appallingly, has long-term form for making everyone late, and was rude and cheeky to you beforehand telling you you were over-reacting and he knew better etc etc. So he needs to understand that in future he'll simply be left at home and that his behaviour is in no way acceptable.

He also needs to recompense your DD for ruining what sounds like a birthday treat she'd been really, really looking forward to. I don't know how much you spent, but I would either be taking the entire cost of the tickets from his savings (assuming he has that much - I'm assuming they were a few hundred quid), or getting him to either do major chores or sell a piece of tech until he has earnt the morning to pay you back. He needs to learn that actions have consequences. I would then try and arrange a further treat for DD, if you can.

(Parent of 2 teen and one pre-teen DC here btw, one of whom is ND and really struggles with timekeeping, yes ADHD can be a reason why DC find this kind of thing hard but it cannot be a get out of jail free card).

You say he is often late. This thread does put me in mind of another thread about a boy who struggled to get ready for school at about the same age. He did need more support and maybe your DS does too. Worth looking into.

You were pushed to your limit. No the swearing wasn’t ideal but I can understand why you got so angry. My mum shouted at me more than a few times growing up and we’re as close as can be. Calmly explain yourself and apologise for your reaction, don’t beat yourself up ❤️❤️xx

I'd be tempted, at some point, to have a booking for something he really loves, to let him plan the time, then fuck around endlessly when it's time to go.

Yes OP is only human but if DS has ALWAYS been like this there's most likely an underlying issue that needs exploring, OR OP should know her son by now and have acted accordingly, not waited until it was time to go to check if he was ready.

OP's reaction was OTT and she knows it. OP you need to repair.

I would have left him at home tbh rather than create this drama.

OR OP should know her son by now and have acted accordingly, not waited until it was time to go to check if he was ready.

She didn't. See opening post.

she did tell him when they needed to leave and he fought back saying his phone was saying it would only be 35 mins. Sorry but this is a case of a child thinking they know better than their mother.

Try not to beat yourself up OP. Your DS is old enough to understand concepts like personal responsibility and consideration for others and yet he continues to cause other people stress. It's selfish and he needed a wake-up call. You won't have damaged him for life.

Actions have consequences, it's a pity that his dad wasn't there as you should have left him there when he was not ready. I know you feel bad about shouting at him ( for so long). Absolutely not ideal but you don't want to raise a selfish little shit so his actions gave to change. Would be great if you had an opportunity to spoil your daughter with a day out without your son. Don't be too harsh on yourself

If you want a different outcome, you need to change your approach. I'm sad reading your post. He is 12. I get that it's frustrating but you are the adult.

He will remember you shouting at him forever. As will your daughter. She won't blame her brother for ruining her birthday. She will, rightly, blame you. If you don't want your relationship with both your child permanently spoiled, you need to rescue this fast.

First step - take responsibility for your actions. It doesn't matter the provocation, the way you dealt with it was appalling. Apologise to both your children for losing your temper and let them know you know it was unacceptable.

Secondly, look at how you parent. Your DS will no doubt push even more buttons as he becomes a teenager, and you will need to deal with his behaviour.

From the strategies you are using - based on your previous experience - I would consider an ADHD assessment and research strategies for managing ADHD children. Even If he doesn't have the condition, the methods can help.

🙄

So if you keep this up how do you think he will be at 14, 16 18 30, 40 with you?

Do you honestly think he will now go 'right all will be good now'

Absolutely this.

@Lavatera - He totally deserved a telling off - and we have all been at the end of our tether with our kids from time to time - and it is so easy to look back in hindsight and realise we could/should have handled it in a different way. So please forgive yourself. Do not apologise to him for being angry with him - but ok to apologise for swearing at him if you feel that you want to do that

Going forward, seeing as you say he is always late, have you tried standing back and letting him be late and having to suffer the consequences? Might be worth it if you can stand it!! Maybe a discussion with him that you will give him a wake up call and a couple of reminders and if he isn't ready, you will leave the house, with or without him. He's 12, so that's what I would have done in this instance, as he should be OK for a few hours at home on his own? Maybe that wouldn't work for you though, so just a suggestion

So sorry your DD's Birthday treat was ruined. Hope you can take her out somewhere, just the 2 of you

How was he sitting on the loo for 30 minutes then instead of getting ready? Telling him to get dressed clearly isn't enough.

If he needs micromanaging every day he clearly needs it or needs an alternative plan ef leaving him at home, I have a child exactly the same (autistic, ADHD and poss PDA as it happens) and I understand how stressful it is so I do empathise, we often abandon events or put him in the car half dressed etc. We have to leave so much more time than you'd expect to allow for this chivvying and resistance.

If he was doing if for attention and to wind people up well then OPs reaction was perfect wasn't it.

I've certainly lost it at my child as well, but I don't agree with the responses that he deserved 20 minutes of screaming and swearing. No child deserves that. Ironic that other parents on here get called abusive for shouting at their kids.

I would have done the same tbh.

Deleted. I replied to the wrong poster

Ok so the meltdown wasn't good but honestly my sister behaved as selfishly as your son and my mother never pulled her up on it. To this day I have doormat tendencies and am filled with resentment. She carries on with the same self absorbed shit aged 50. Not your finest hour but I understand how it happened and I admire you for sticking up for his sister's special evening - I would have been told to sit quietly and stop moaning in her shoes.

I just wanted to say I hear you. My daughter is 12 and exactly like this. It makes every single outing a massive stress before it begins. She has other issues as well and definitely has problems with executive functioning/following instructions etc but can also be extremely defiant, rude and a stroppy brat which is the stuff that makes me more cross. I've also lost it with her on occasion and have apologised afterwards because not much is bad enough to warrant that kind of reaction but we are human and make mistakes, especially if hormones or stress/depression are involved.

What a little shit. I’d have probably killed him.

I’d start chasing him with a wooden spoon next time he is slow.

he prob will remember the telling off for a long time and so he should. Perhaps he’ll realise he deserved it and stop being a twat.

If it was a one off or a recent thing I'd be inclined to agree but from OP it sounds like it's always been this way, and if you are right then OP's way of dealing with it - getting stressed and angry - clearly isn't working is it.

Citrusandginger · Today 11:55
If you want a different outcome, you need to change your approach. I'm sad reading your post. He is 12. I get that it's frustrating but you are the adult.

He will remember you shouting at him forever. As will your daughter. She won't blame her brother for ruining her birthday. She will, rightly, blame you. If you don't want your relationship with both your child permanently spoiled, you need to rescue this fast.

First step - take responsibility for your actions. It doesn't matter the provocation, the way you dealt with it was appalling. Apologise to both your children for losing your temper and let them know you know it was unacceptable.

Secondly, look at how you parent. Your DS will no doubt push even more buttons as he becomes a teenager, and you will need to deal with his behaviour.

From the strategies you are using - based on your previous experience - I would consider an ADHD assessment and research strategies for managing ADHD children. Even If he doesn't have the condition, the methods can help.

Bollocks button very overdue, Mumsnet!

OP don’t beat yourself up.

ADHD at its worst has such a negative effect on the family. . It doesn’t excuse but it explains he’s behavior. Help him through this and you will be helping the whole family. Take it easy with yourself.

Do something nice for your dd just the two of you

Ah, the good old 12 year old "I know better than you" scenario. They often think they (and the internet) know better than their parents cos, god, parents are so annoying...!

I have only got to the first page, but echo the sentiments of those posting on the first page. Hopefully he'll have learned his lesson and this will be a positive moment going forward, but yes, do apologise for the outburst. I'd also be telling him he should apologise to his sister for his part in ruining her birthday evening.