To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

The swearing wasn’t ideal but to be honest, he would’ve driven me nuts! I would’ve shouted too. Hopefully he will learn not to be so selfish. I wouldn’t take him next time.

I'd have done exactly the same. If I'd been calmer I would have just told him firmly that he wasn't coming and left without him but he'd have been shouted at in the car if I'd lost my temper with him. I hate it when it happens but it takes a lot to remain calm in the face of such awful behaviour.

My DD was like this for a few years from age 13 to 14. She tried to ruin everything on purpose by being late. Even when she was a bridesmaid for my niece she would be late for dress fittings and hair and make up trials. I was convinced she'd make us late for the actual wedding.

I'd leave him at home when it happens again (won't say if, because you've said it happens regularly).

But if that made no difference I'd get him assessed for ADHD if he currently has no diagnosed neuro diversity. I have a dc who was very much the same and was utterly unable to say why he couldn't be ready on time. On medication they're very different.

Haha I absolutely could have wrote that!

Its not ideal to shout and swear, but are only human and when it happens every single time without fail, even with prompting and lots of countdowns it is really really frustrating.

Sit him down, apologise for shouting and swearing and then explain that he needs to be ready at times you say or you will leave without him.

I guarantee if you leave him once he wont do it again.

"Let him be late for everything on his own including school etc. He will soon learn."

Yes. Let him see the consequences of his actions.

This reminds me of a story I heard as a child - and I genuinely can't remember if it happened to a friend of my mum's, or if it was a sort of kid's urban myth - where a mum was always saying to her son "if you don't hurry up you'll be going to school in your pyjamas".

One day she got so fed up of him always making them late in the mornings that she followed through on her threat, bundled her confused son into the car in his crumpled PJs, dropped him at the school and drove off.

Did the job, he was never late again!

Yeah my mum used to lock me in the car and scream at me for being late. It didn't make be better at being on time, it just made me more anxious, clumsy and forgetful. It's a shit parenting technique and people are delulu if they think it's going to have a positive impact on the kid's behaviour, regardless of why he's doing it. It took two decades to heal my relationship with my mum and my heart rate still goes up when I have to sit in a car with her.

Appalled at people saying he deserved it. Yes he behaved badly but no child deserves to be locked in a car and bellowed at for twenty minutes, in what way is that "only human" and "we've all been there?" There's even people on this thread saying they're upset you can't smack your kids anymore. What fucking alternate dimension have I landed in? Seems like it's just a thread of people delighted to be able to say "oh it's ok I abuse my children too, we're all in this together". No, fuck off.

And before anyone fucking starts I have an ASD teenager who has had some difficult behaviour, so far I've managed without locking her in a tight space and verbally abusing her when she's upset me.

You poor things - you and your dd. I think you should have just left him at home!

I really feel for you, but the shouting didn’t actually help anything and it upset your dd too.

If you can manage another time, an actual consequence is so much better than impotent shouting, which is what this was.

You won’t have damaged him though. He needs to lose some pocket money to pay for something to make it up to your Dd, she’s the one I feel could be affected by this as she’ll have the residual feeling her brother can ruin things if he wants to.

Telling off- yes of course, consequence, yes of course.
Raging at a child for 20 minutes in an enclosed space he can't get away from- not OK, and in fact, very damaging.
I don't understand why you couldn't have just gone without him.He s old enough to be home fir a few hours alone

I empathise, and I know it feels so awful. Important to demonstrate apologies by taking responsibility for the swearing, length and intensity of your rant. But he definitely needed some kind of b*llocking. Take steps now to prevent yourself getting that desperate again. Sounds like you're quite on edge, your plans were very tight and precise, and perhaps not achievable right now, knowing how he is? And maybe your 15 min interval reminders are rubbing him up the wrong way? Have a heart to heart about the best way for him to take responsibility, to get himself ready, the inputs he needs/doesn't need from you, and the fact that you'll leave him out next time if he messes it up again. If he keeps his side of the bargain, then great, if not then plan in some consequences for him. I bet he feels quite guilty at heart, and he deserves a bit of a calm space to apologise sincerely, and to be helped to come up with a better plan for future similar situations.

Well obviously the shouting and swearing isn't ideal as you have already acknowledged. You are only human and it sounds like your ds was at fault here and needed some form of discipline. As it's a common problem with him I would calm down then look at ways to develop time keeping skills. If it were my child I would be saying no phone before school or before going out until he has shown me improvement but I'd also do some visual time tables or something to help him improve

Fair play on being able to shout for 20 minutes, I'd pass out.

I understand being pissed off, but you'd have been better off leaving him at home. He's not going to learn if he's always accommodated and it wasn't fair on your daughter.
I think you need to apologise for losing your shit, but explaining why and he definitely needs to apologise to you and his sister.

You’re not unreasonable. Children need to be shouted at on occasion to understand how their actions affect others. It’s called life learning.

It's not ideal but to be honest, you're only human and I don't think kids get enough of a telling off these days. There reaches a point where politely explaining things to them is utterly pointless.

Yesterday I saw a little boy (approx. 7) who had fallen off his bike into the gutter and he was crying his eyes out. The 2 women with him (presume one was the Mum) were just shouting at him, telling him off because apparently it was his fault as he had cycled past someone and that had caused him to fall off and apparently he should know better. My heart absolutely bled for him as he was so upset but instead of being helped he just got dragged up and screamed at by 2 adult women. I admit to massively judging them as awful people but looking back at it after reading your post there is the chance that they had just had enough, maybe the boy had done something he'd been told many times not to do and was always getting into strife and they had just finally lost the plot. Who knows. I still feel a bit sad for him though as he was quite young :(

I disagree strongly that any child needs to be shouted at. There are lots of healthier ways to express your emotions, and frightening dc isn't the best way to get them to behave.

Being really angry or really upset doesn't mean you have to shout. Adults don't get shouted at (or shouldn't, anyway).

Of course Yabu - especially to your dd.

Let your son start facing the consequences of his actions and let him be late for school etc

Was he dilly dallying because he didn’t want to go? He’s old enough to have stayed at home alone while you took dd or you could have saved everyone the stress and just taken dd in the first place. Did he need to shower, change etc - couldn’t he just wear his uniform to save time ?

Your son deserved a bollocking but bollockings like yesterday aren’t going to change his behaviour. Your son owes you and his sister lots of apologies and you need to come up with a plan together to stop this repetitive behaviour. Do you think that being late for something that is important to him would help ? (I don’t mean something like school )

id have left him at home. Your kid is a selfish twat. I’d have more than raged at him. Absolute dick. I hope he felt well ashamed of himself for ruining your daughters birthday gift

Honestly I think I would have responded the same way. My DS 15 decided to go out all day the Sunday before an exam and I went mad telling him it was his choice if he didn’t want to do well etc. I said some bad stuff and was raging. Not at all proud. The getting them out of the house is a nightmare. Apologise to both of them but also ask if he understands why you got so mad and then if he can try not to put you in that position again. I am working on removing myself from a situation / breathing if I feel that sense of tension/ rage emerging. We are all human!

I think you should be more upset for your DD! My brother was always like this. Leave him next time.

I'm interested in how you've managed to access an online forum from the 1980s...

he's 12. Even if he has a watch (unlikely) he will also have a mobile phone, which will have the correct time. And a TV. And wall clocks. And a computer...

OP my mother was/is the calmest, most chilled out, kindest person in existence. And I can remember a few, very rare, times she absolutely went mad and shouted at us. I can probably remember them because they were so very rare and a contrast to her normal demeanour/our normal life. They didn't affect our relationship with her in any way, either at the time or since, but probably did give us a 'oh shit', kick up the bum in relation to our behaviour and realising mum is human too. The difference between being very occasionally shouted at and abuse is the frequency.

I agree that you might want to explore any other issues behind DS' lateness - but also that it would be appropriate for him to miss out in future, by not getting him tickets for something he wants/not giving him lifts to friends birthday parties/football matches until he can be trusted to get there on time. Natural consequences. It's not as though he was JUST late, it doesn't sound as though he apologised or took anything from the experience. I also think you should give dd another treat, when finances allow, to make up for this one.

Have been there many times with my middle DD as a teen incl. feeling truly awful after the shouting. Looking back now, I regret not putting boundaries in place sooner as there was a long run of semi-ruined family events - we always arrived late, stressed, upset and often not taking to each other. It was also very unfair on her siblings as her drama dominated every event. She was rarely late when meeting friends so could be ready if she wanted to.

Once I accepted that her behaviour was not going change, put clear boundaries in place (we’re leaving at X time with or without you) and gave up my ‘happy family outings’ ideal, things improved massively.

I would have been exactly the same and would equally have felt bad about it, I have shouted about being late for much less important things than that and often wish I was more chilled about lateness. I think the red mist came down in the car, especially as it became clear you actually were going to be late so I think you indeed were a woman possessed. I would have been possessed well before we got in the car as it's stressful even finding parking somewhere unfamiliar so leaving on time would have been essential to me too. If it happens all the time current strategies aren't working and you need to get help with that. Would he have been late if it had been something he wanted to do, eg a gaming party? If he can be on time for things that revolve round him then he needs to change too.

You owe it to your daughter to take her out for something else without him to overwrite that memory. He can keep it.

Sounds like ADHD. I have one the same. Totally different on medication. Its taking years at the moment to get a diagnosis, even psychiatry uk are not accepting referrals under right to choose at the moment. They are still accepting private camhs referrals though. I would look into it. Preferably before gcse, a level and uni.

This should happen. Probably won't though - not gentle enough.