To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

I think you're right to think come down hard on him tbh. Some people make it to adulthood thinking being late/unbothered about timings is a personality trait and it's the most inconsiderate/infuriating trait because it's SO avoidable.

My husband did this when I was taking my daughter to the Disney on Ice show. We got up 4 hours before to get everything ready, leave the house nice for our return, meal partially cooked and my husband made us so late i went ballistic at him. I had to speed on the motorway to get to the train into the city, the last one that would get us in on time. I told him never again. i would leave his ticket with him and would leave on time and he could make his own way to the venue.
With you op I think it was the straw that broke the camel´s back. And now comes the guilt.

Why can some posters not realise that some pre teen/teens are just trying it on. Jockeying for top dog position, doing as they choose and never mind the consequences. Flexing their muscles.
ADHD, ND, yes, some have this. Not usually, mostly it's LS - little shitness!

@Lavatera is he late for things he wants to do?

Well he needs to use his pocket money/birthday money to buy his sister another treat.

Coming down hard on him was well deserved OP, all apart from the swearing.

i agree there could be a certain amount of "i am right mum is (always) wrong" going on here, which is why i think he definitely needs to apologise to his sister for ruining her birthday treat and to his mum for being a shit and costing her money - which he would be paying back out of pocket money/birthday money.

Agree.

I don't think one angry rant is going to cause serious trauma to your relationship with him, especially if you can now model for him that when things go wrong like that, they can be resolved. You can apologise for shouting and swearing, and draw a line under it. It's important not to make it a recurring feature of your relationship but it doesn't sound like that's a concern - it sounds like you had just reached the absolute end of your tether with him and exploded.

The bigger issue is that for whatever reason, your DS is consistently demonstrating that he cannot or will not be on time for things, including important things. Is it rudeness, disorganisation, anxiety, time blindness, something else...? Whatever it is, it's ruining things for the rest of the family and he needs to start addressing it. If he can't keep track of when and how to get ready, then he needs to do what he's told when other people tell him to get ready, rather than messing around. If it's anxiety, then he needs to engage with work to address that and manage it more appropriately. If it's that he's choosing to behave like this, then it might be time to adopt a policy that he doesn't get to come on things where being late would matter, until he can be relied upon to be ready when he needs to be.

He deserved it.

He needs to change.

He was being a little shit, my 12yo is the same and thinks he knows best. If probs ly have down the same, minus a bit of swearing. He needs to apologise and buy a treat for his sister out of his pocket money. He was wrong and he’s old enough to know better

My brother used to do the making everyone late. He did it for years.

Just go and leave him behind next time.
DM never would, and he now admits that she should have and he'd have stopped it.
It was a way of controlling the whole family.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I just want to say you're human! I shouted at my four year old this week and felt like a woman possessed! Life is bloody hard for everyone at the moment, we're meant to work, parent, sort out our home life. All whilst trying to navigate a cost of living crisis and be the perfect gentle parent! The fact you feel so bad means you're not a bad parent. You just reached your limit! Life and society is hard, please give yourself a break

Does this seem like a power struggle to anyone else? If it was an adult man I'd say he did it on purpose.

he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes

And was your 12yo on his phone during this time?

He obvs didn’t want to go. Just leave him at home.

Wtf. No one deserves this.

I grew up being screamed at constantly. It didn’t make me more on time or less clumsy. It made me sad, anxious, lonely and scared.

You need better strategies, better consequences and better ways of getting through to him. Don’t you think the fact he spent 30 mins on the toilet “just in case” is concerning? Is there already anxiety there?

Why anyone on this thread thinks that berating a child like that for that long is okay is beyond me.

You’re going to treat him like this but expect him to treat future partners with respect? How would he learn that

Whilst obviously not ideal, sometimes, tension builds and it comes out. I am sure, after a conversation between the two of you, he will be ok. Just a thought though, might he have ADHD - if this is a consistent problem, I might look into that as it actually sounds as though he can’t help it (not that that in any way makes the dilly dallying feel any better but, just a thought).

Your behaviour wasn't ideal, but the reality is that as soon as you become a parent, you parent 24/7 for the rest of your life! If you can never make mistakes in parenting then it literally means that only perfect people can have kids, which frankly would terminate the human race! Although might your DS have some kind of disability? My son is 11 and he can be a right monster with getting ready, but I'd say it's been a good few years since he would have failed to manage to sort himself out that badly for something special and expensive (with help) ! I kind of feel like either you son is so self-centred that he wanted to make your daughter late, but it doesn't really sound like that. Otherwise, can he not understand that there is urgency? We have friend who have a friend who is disabled and he really does not get the passage of time. Like if he has one appointment in the day, that day is full, because he genuinely can't work out how long anything will take. When my mum had dementia she was the same. For example, one evening we were "refusing" to let get ready or let our friends know we would be late, and mum was devastated at our rudeness. The fact the journey was 10 mins tops and we didn't need to be there for 2 hours, kind of didn't register! Probably nothing like that, but if your son wasn't just being horrid, could there be an issue?

@PaintDiagram remains to be seen doesn't it. Easy to say that now.

Sorry but that was pretty horrible of you. He’s only 12.

This child was not being yelled at because he was clumsy, he was being yelled at because he was being a little shit who thought he knew better and consequently ruined his sisters treat.

Yelling is the least of what he deserves.
He should also lose access to his phone and be withdrawn from clubs/groups he enjoys until he has apologised to his sister and paid his mother back for the cost of the tickets

YANBU for the shouting but I would have left him home alone and not waited for him.

I do not blame you AT ALL. children can drive you round the bend.

You can’t let him continue making you late. I think the shouting and swearing in the car for 20mins straight was really awful although completely understand why you lost your rag. I think you should apologise for that but be firm and say he needed to see how his behaviour is affecting everyone.

Have you thought getting him assessed for ADD? And ASD? The anxiety of fearing needing the toilet, the aversion to getting ready indicates not just potential misbehaviour but other possibilities where he isn’t selfish or naughty, but has either lack of ability to focus or not really wanting to go or both- my DC with ASD would find a show to be torture not a fun thing to do. He may have not wanted to go but not know how to express that or perhaps he did and the usual NT response is don’t be silly, this is fun, I promise you will enjoy it and it’s for your sisters birthday you can’t miss it!

I think in future you have two choices- leave him at home, or take him as he is- as in not dressed the way you’d like. Even if he is in Spider-Man pjs and wellies.

Kids of that age are self centred OP.

It’s ok now but being late is not going to fly when in a few years he has college (potentially uni) and a job to go to.

Hopefully going nuclear will be memorable for him.

He’s at an age now where he needs to learn actions have consequences or he’s going to have a very hard time as an older teen annd young adult.

Next time it he’s not ready for something don’t take him.