To have yelled and sworn at DS 12 for 20 minutes non stop in the car

[Lavatera]

Help.
I think I'm going mad and I've damaged my precious DS 12.
I haven't slept all night and I can't stop thinking that the baby I fell so in love with 12 years ago has been yelled and sworn at by me 12 years later.
I feel so, so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.
Yesterday, we had to drive to a town 50 minutes away to see a theatre production.
It was a special treat for my DD's (10) birthday present.
The performance started at 6pm so I knew we'd be driving through rush hour traffic, and the A roads between where we live and this town are well known to be hell at rush hour.
I really wanted to arrive early, in time to find parking, pay on the parking meter, and get to the theatre with enough to sit and have drinks together before going in to the performance. Not to mention I paid a fortune for a family ticket, but it was a show that DD really wanted to see.
So I'd spent 2 days telling DS that he must absolutely make sure that he was ready to walk out of the house at the time I'd set, I told him the time we needed to leave, and I reminded him at regular intervals.
On top of that, I was prompting him an hour before to start getting ready, 45 mins before, 30 mins before, 15 mins before.....he kept telling me I was overestimating the travel time because he'd checked his phone and seen it was only a 35 minute drive. No, I said, that's wrong, it takes 50 minutes, plus it's rush hour so we need to add extra time, plus I need to allow time to park and pay, and I want to arrive ahead of the show starting. I explained to him it was a special evening out and that he must be ready on time.
Nope. He was wasn't ready to leave. I mean by this point I was tailgating him around the house telling him to get dressed, get ready, etc.
So the time came to leave, me and DD had been ready for ages, I'd sent DS upstairs to get dressed, but DS still wasn't dressed, hair not brushed, shoes not on, at the time we had to leave.
Turns out that instead of going upstairs to get dressed and brush his hair like I'd asked him repeatedly to do, he'd decided to ho and sit on the toilet for 30 minutes 'in case he needed to go whilst at the theatre' and he walked out of the bathroom completely not ready.
I started stressing, I knew what the roads would be like, I ended up physically putting his clothes in his hands and telling him to dress, I brushed his hair, he was arguing at me to 'calm down' because I was annoyed by this point. It took him ages then faffing around, before we eventually got in the car 35 minutes later than the time I'd set.
We set off, and I lost it with him. I knew the tailbacks we'd face on the roads and I just developed this irrational anger. I shouted and shouted and shouted. And swore. Oh my God. I was shouting "YOU'RE SO SELFISH! YOU'VE MADE US LATE! YOU'VE RUINED THE EVENING! WE'RE GOUNG TO MISS THE SHOW! THEY WON'T LET US IN IF WE ARRIVE LATE! WE'RE FUCKING LAAAAAATE! LOOK AT THE FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS????" Honestly, I was like a woman possessed. I could not stop shouting. And I didn't stop raging for 20 full minutes. I was shouting so loud he had his fingers in his ears. DD was upset by my shouting.
I can't believe I shouted and swore like that.
For background, he makes us late for almost every single thing we ever have to be on time for. He's made us late for so many important events by just not listening to all my instructions and prompts and motivation and chivvying him along.....nothing, literally nothing works to get him out the house on time. Not even the threat of school detentions when he can't get ready even with my help in time in the mornings.
Christmas. I cannot believe I shouted for 20 mins and swore at my darling boy in a moving vehicle that he couldn't get out of so he couldn't walk away from me.
And upset DD in the process.
So the traffic was gridlock.
We arrived late, missed the start of the show, they let us in but wouldn't let us sit in our seats, they stuck us at the back in staff seats where we couldn't see very well (I'd bought prime position front central seats, I could see them sitting empty), and we all had a miserable evening.

The only thing you can do is apologise and explain that you are human and that you lose your temper too at times but that you’ll try not to again in the future.

Try and come up with a plan together about how you can both improve in the future - he getting ready on time and you controlling your frustration.

Then you need to be telling him that the time is at least 30mins before what it actually is.

My DD is like this (so is me and my mum, were all ND) and so I know how frustrating it can be but if you set the time at least 30mins before then it just takes some of the stress out of it all.

Him being on the toilet is anxiety.
This is something my DD used to do all of the time and another reason why I tell her the time is 30mins earlier than it is.

The more you panic and rush them, the worse their anxiety gets and so their brain shuts down and can’t physically do the task or they get belly ache and think they need the toilet/do actually need the toilet.

His goal could be getting ready and then trying to go to the toilet, instead of trying for the toilet first.

For this time ever I have voted on an AIBU!

I have the app and it doesn't have that facility so I logged onto the website especially to vote that YANBU, as I thought all "gentle parenting" maria would skin you alive!

Gratifying to see over 75% think you're not being unreasonable.

He was being a selfish know it all 12 year old wee shite, who sadly will only get worse as he progresses though his teenage years.

I'm so sorry your evening was ruined and that money wasted. I'd make his pay for the tickets.

I don't think there is a mother of teenagers who has never had a huge rant like that.

And yes my teenage boys grew up and became decent hardworking men, despite having a raging menopausal angry Scottish mum! ;)

https://www.healthline.com/health/time-blindness

Should have gone without him or marched him out the house as he was and said tough if he moaned. He had plenty of warning so if he has to go in pjs with messed up hair so be it

I take the view that swearing at a child is never okay. I’m not entirely convinced that shouting at a teenager really achieves anything either.

You essentially threw a tantrum, all you’ve demonstrated to him is that it is acceptable adult behaviour to act like that.

I don't understand why you didn’t just leave without him.

What DS did was unacceptable, but I also feel so was OPs response. I say this as the parent of two ASD (+ADHD) children now teens, and as an ASD/ADHD mum. I have absolutely lost it like this with my kids a few times in 19 years, full -on hysterical meltdown. But I never excused myself or blamed anyone else. And I apologised profusely for my behaviour afterwards.

@BusyMummy001 Some wise words I once read about neurodivergence is that it isn’t an excuse, it’s an explanation.

I don’t think there are many, if any, people saying it’s totally fine and OK to have a screaming swearing 20 minute meltdown and traumatise your kids, but being ND would certainly explain why the OP had such an extreme reaction. So it may not be an OK response, but equally she couldn’t help it in that moment.

You should be more angry with him for being an obnoxious twat who deliberately argued with you and ruined his sister's birthday.

At the age of 12, he knows better than this. He pushed you over the edge, natural consequence.

It's DD you need to apologise to and give her another treat.

I’m so sorry for you, not your fault, you were driven to it.
sorry your dd birthday was a bit messed up.
I hope selfish DS has taken it in and realised what he did.
If you must take him anywhere, move the leave time forward.
he gets one reminder, that’s it. Go without him.
He has to learn the consequences of not being on time for events. It’s not all about him.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

He was a little shit…he got told he was a little shit…..next time leave him at home

Rickyrolypoly,
Chances are he would not have done it if it were a man insisting he got ready!

This is a 12 year old boy controlling the situation because he wanted to and decided that he knew better, arguing with his mum that he knew better.
Arguing and ruining an evening that was about his sister, not him.

It's not like they would be standing outside in the rain, it was early to get parked comfortably and get drinks and snacks, all part of the evening - but no, a 12 year old boy knew better.
Not only would I have shouted at him, there would have been consequences.
This is a 12 year old, not a 4 year old who is causing problems because he chooses to, because he is more important than anyone else.

OP book a treat for your daughter and if necessary a baby sitter for your son.

IMHO he was being a little shit so deserved it. If he's always messing up events like this, stop bringing him.

Apologise to them both.

Ask them if they understand what you were feeling that triggered your behaviour.

Take your daughter on a treat just the two of you. And it doesn't have to be mega expensive. Your time together is the value.

Set a new precedent from now on - this is what we're doing, this is when we're leaving. If you're not ready we'll just go without you. No shouting, no anger, just statements and consequences. At this age, he may just not be wanting to go around with mum and sister. You both need to adapt.

have only read OP. It is not fantastic, OP. But. Now he knows.

I think you need to apologise to both of them for shouting like that.
I think your son needs to apologise to you and especially his sister for not doing what he was told.

Also guessing the thread is full of "is he ND? sounds like ADHD" and I'll join in that. Even if not (either definitely not or never been diagnosed) it will help to read up on it, both of you, and to adopt strategies people with ADHD and their families do.

My reaction to this? He would not be going anywhere with me or his sister ever again that requires us to be on time. At least not until he can demonstrate a) contrition and b) that he has changed and can be relied upon.

I would also be arranging another treat for my DD without him to make up for what she missed out on.

You need also to learn how not to escalate. My guess is you have a lot of this in your future, and how you react is key to how your DCs grow up.

You should have gone without him. He's totally responsible for the ruined evening. Almost as if he'd sabotaged it. He should be apologising. In future tell him you will give him time checks and if he's not ready he's not going. Get some sleep.

Your son was completely out of order.
Yes, you shouted and that shouldn't be repeated.
Apologise and think up a better solution for next time.

I would be having your son repay the money spent, in chores. Ticked off dollar for dollar. He needs to know that when you respectfully request something reasonable from him that he is to obey you.
I would have set a time to be fully dressed, then given the kids a meal and asked them to go to the loo - in that order- before leaving. If DS was not dressed then he missed out on food.
If he didn't care as was still not ready I would have told the neighbour next door that he was home doing homework. I'd have left him home and I would have stated NO screens...and followed up with him repaying you his ticket money.
Alternatively he should have jumped in the car in what he was wearing - undies, pyjamas or school uniform.

Why was DS arguing or discussing the time to leave?
You could have used that discussion to insist that you are the driver and he is to be ready at the time you state - or he will repay the price of the ticket and lose screen rights for three days. Your son sounds like a bad mannered pain.

This.

My dd is only a baby and I like to think I’ll be a ‘gentle parent’. In this situation I think I’d be the same. Swearing isn’t ideal as you may get that back next time.

He deliberately sabotaged yours and DD evening. He should either loose out on his pocket money until the costs are recouped or should be made to earn it back. If his birthday is coming up soon he should forfeit his gift to replace DDs.

I’d still apologise for your language but I’d be having another serious conversation with him tonight.

The apologists are out again!
This is a 12 year old. Wrecking his sister's birthday treat. Making his family anxious.
It's not his Mother's who needs to do better, it this 12 year old.
Choosing to be late for everything does not make him ND.

I would most likely fight fire with fire and would make sure he was late for things that mattered to him for at least a month. Birthday party starts at 11, tough, we will be there at 11:30. Need to meet friends at bowling at 7pm, oooops, 7:40 is what time you are ready.

The problem with boys, is that they turn men. How you handle them now will depend on how they act as grown ups.

Like giving him verbal reminders every 10-15 minutes? Like giving him regular clear instructions on exactly what he needs to do? Like physically putting his clothes in his arms and telling him to put them on?

Just another vote for you should have left him, got in the car at the time you wanted to leave with the engine running and said you have 5 minutes, otherwise we’re going without you. It was weak parenting to allow him to spoil your daughter’s treat.

Apologise for the shouting and swearing but he needs a massive consequence for being so disrespectful to you all. Has he shown any remorse?

I find it amazing that children are never just badly behaved or pushing boundaries, they simply must have anxiety, ASD, or the new buzz word, ADHD.

It sounds very much to me like this kid just acted like a shit because he didn't want to go and he didn't want to accept his mum was right about. I could be wrong. But I think I'm probably right. I bet he can make himself ready on time for stuff he wants to do.

Honestly I would have walked out at the time you had set, and he would have come with me however he was dressed.

He deserved it. He dicked around and ruined his sister's birthday. I'd have done exactly the same in your shoes, swearing and all. Obviously in an ideal world, we'd rise above such things, and immediately work out a perfect, calm, adult way of dealing with it - but we don't live in an ideal world and we're all just human.

"scenarios like this make me cross that smacking has fallen out of favour. "

You fucking psychopath 😂😂😂

Imagine being jealous of past generations because they got to assault children who couldn't fight back

With kindness, because I sympathise and this must have been so stressful and disappointing for you (and, more importantly, your DD) but you can take control of this going forward. You are parent and you are able to come up with contingencies in advance of pre-planned things like this that actually make the consequences land on your DS and not your DD. Sometimes this is a more creative exercise than others but there's always something!

So in future, the first question is: does your DS actually want to go? If not, you make plans to take just your DD. If he does, you arrange a back-up plan of, say, a neighbour to watch him for a few hours of he's not ready by the time you need to leave. You tell him in advance, calmly, that if he's not ready to walk out of the door by X time, you will be leaving without him and that you are absolutely serious and prepared to follow through on those consequences. And do so.

If he has a time-blindness/concentration problem (as lots of children do as they develop) then you, as a parent, can come up with strategies with him to help such as writing a list of things he needs to do before leaving, helping him set timers for each task etc. My mum used to tell me to work backwards from the time we needed to be somewhere and have me work out when things therefore needed to happen. But the consequence of failing to follow that plan is him being left behind (or whatever other consequences applies in that situation).

Your job is to remain calm and think out reasonable strategies in advance, the failure of which will affect him but not the rest of the family. The point of this is fairness to everyone but also training him for real life AND modeling to your daughter that women should not expect to suffer for the failure of men to organise themselves. If he is not in fact ready at the appointed time, you also calmly follow through on the consequences. No shouting, no desperately trying to work things so that he avoid the consequences, just execute what you said you'd do.

Honestly, for me, realising that it is me, and not my child who is in control of how things go in this story of way makes things far less stressful and depressing because I don't feel like my life is just happening to me and at the whim of the most unreasonable (developmentally!) member of the family!