A bad mummy re child starting school :(

[Hellodarknessmyfriend]

My little one is due to start school in September. We have been given a list of 11 days relating to the transition in; stay and plays, meet the staff, home visit, staggered start times etc.
The issue is they are all (naturally) over the course of a school day and I am primary teacher.
Literally the only one I can attend is an evening Welcome Meeting.
This makes me looks like a rubbish parent, doesn't it?

They don’t do 11 events so they can work out who the shit parents are who don’t do 11. They do 11 because it means there’s plenty of flexibility.
You’re doing the evening one.
Your husband is doing several of the others.
I really think you’re overthinking this.

I mean do you really think you’re a “bad mummy” over this?

Of course it doesn’t!! OP there will be people who can attend but won’t because they’re not interested, not because they have to work. Go easy on yourself

11 days is a bit mad

@ConflictofInterest well said. DD has just moved to high school and the relief of not having to explain to her why I can't go to reading/sports day/picnic/assembly/dress like an wotsit day etc, is amazing. 10 months in and I haven't felt guilty once. It would be ok if these were just 2-3 events per year but it felt endless, and always last minute.

I also love the assumption that everyone has parents to step in for childcare or to attend these things instead. Or they have flexible jobs - even if you do there is a limit to the flexibility, especially with the long school holidays to cover (you don't just get endless time off).

We have 6 transition days all within my working time I'm very lucky that I have flexibility in my role however I feel like I'm taking the P as there is 3 transition days in one week, you think they would think it through a bit more as there are so many children now where both parents are in work

We're hearing a lot about why you can't attend but you've said very little about why your husband can't.

I'm wondering if he's out there somewhere on an internet forum, telling everyone about his guilt.

I doubt it somehow. I'd be questioning him a bit more as to why he can't do a couple of them.

Has he even really tried? Spoken to his boss at all?

I genuinely thought it was fairly common - all the primaries around here do it. It takes 2 days for the teachers to do the visits.

I don't think it's vital but the school says they find it useful to understand the children and families better.

I don't have strong feelings about it either way

Thank you!

OP can Grandma do these events with DC (if Grandma is willing and able?)

Are you necessarily aware of other commitments the non working parents may have - health issues, caring responsibilities, transport issues making it hard to get to school, voluntary/personal commitments?
11 days for the transition, assuming no additional needs, sounds massive overkill to me, especially with the relatively low annual leave and flexibility we have in the UK. I don't have DC yet and one of the things that puts me off is the expectation to completely sacrifice your personhood to parenthood (so in answer to your original question, you're absolutely not a bad mum to miss these!)

Of course not.

My kids school has never done home visits, meet the teacher type events! Just two half days in Sept and then straight in.

It makes you a working parent with commitments. Bad parent,no. Loose the mum guilt and crack on

This is completely normal and as a teacher yourself you would understand this?

I don't know why these drawn out transitions are making a comeback. The current crop of year 3s were basically pushed through the doors with a see-ya, and the current year 2s got an outdoor stay and play session if they were lucky.

My son's school did an optional daytime and evening stay and play in July, then staying in September they went staggered from nothing to full time over 3 days.

Home visits can get to fuck! 🤣 So invasive! It's nice when the teachers visit the kids in their nursery setting though.

I o ly work very limited hours and do try to make all things. But I have caring responsibility in my family and do voluntary work in the community. A lot of people who do those are SAHPs I find. Just because you don't see their lives as 'busy' doesn't mean they're just avoiding effort

Why not speak to the Head of your school and see if you can attend one of the sessions. Maybe she or he will agree to cover for a couple of hours so you can attend one of the day sessions? If not, go to the evening one only, and this does not make you a bad parent!

It's bizarre that you think like as a teacher. Is this what you think about your students' parents?

Your mum is doing all your school runs, so your 'woe is me' stance is a bit weird, given how lucky you are, OP.

I 100% agree with this. Or do teachers think it is only teachers who do not have flexibility in their job?

@Hellodarknessmyfriend , It’s wonderful you have your mom supporting you. Mine was amazing when my daughter was younger.

I doubt you’re expected to attend all the sessions, so do what you can and your husband attends the ones he can. If your mom's happy to attend a session as well, that’s a few covered.

One of the moms in my daughter’s year was a newly qualified nurse when she was in primary, so we all supported her daughter at events when she couldn’t make it, as we knew her job was inflexible. No one judged her, as we knew she was doing her best to make a good life for her and her child 💐.

To be perfectly honest your original post and subsequent posts make it quite clear that this isn't about your child's feelings at all. Your posts are self pitying as you see yourself as hard done by despite your summer holidays, your mums day to day help and not being a single parent.

Many schools do offer a level of flexibility so it seems you are working i one that doesn't - the same as many other working parents who also have to use their annual leave to cover school holidays rather than 'choosing not to make the effort' to attend primary school days.

It is probably a good thing that you are moving on from teaching given how judgemental you are about working parents but you may find that your current working situation is far more parent friendly than non teaching roles.

💯agree

You're in such a fortunate position overall -

You are off for school holidays
Your mum will do all pick ups
Your DH needs to then take some of his leave for term time events and you're totally sorted

Most working parents have to pay for some childcare and/or miss out on some stuff

Most parents have to use annual leave and paid childcare to cover school holidays. You have those times covered. So your DH is in a much better position to take annual leave and cover school transition days and other school days than most families.

Of course you're not bad - I can't imagine many parents could attend all those events during the day? All parents I know works most days of the week.

OP didn’t say she had any problem with working parents not attending, just that she was disappointed when non-working parents don’t make the effort.

@CharlotteBog I disagree. Teaching is an incredibly inflexible job. Of course I understand that no job allows you to attend everything, but it would be nice to be able to attend at least one. I think a lot of other places of work afford that? My school doesn't.