A bad mummy re child starting school :(

[Hellodarknessmyfriend]

My little one is due to start school in September. We have been given a list of 11 days relating to the transition in; stay and plays, meet the staff, home visit, staggered start times etc.
The issue is they are all (naturally) over the course of a school day and I am primary teacher.
Literally the only one I can attend is an evening Welcome Meeting.
This makes me looks like a rubbish parent, doesn't it?

Honestly it's bonkers. Every other country in the world has a first day of school. The same for all years.

We overcomplicate life so much here.

YABU! Do you judge parents who don't come to meet you?

Don’t worry, they probably know you are a teacher, so will be sighing a sigh of relief that the likelihood is that Little @Hellodarknessmyfriend can put on their coat and shoes, knows which end of a pencil is which, has met books before, knows how to feed themselves and is toilet trained. Which to most reception teachers are better indications that a parent has done a good job than turning up at settling in meetings.

What the hell is a "home visit" ??

Good god, what a lot of nonsense. None of that is necessary. I wouldn't have attended it all even if I could have. Go to what you can.

I thought most primaries did them but maybe it's regional

When we had ours - the teacher and TA came round, met our child in their home environment, went through the questionnaire that the school has (things like likes, dislikes, allergies, SEN, any issues at home). My children enjoyed the chance to meet the teacher 1:1 in a relaxed way.

It only took about 20 mins

No I think this is most working parents. I would juggle the dates with partner, grandparents etc. I always explain to my children with school events that one of us will be there even if it’s a grandparent. They knew this from a young age.

What makes you unreasonable is that you haven't expressed any disappointment that you won't be a part of your child's school journey. You only care about what the school will think.

I think it's great the school recognise this is the biggest transition of childhood for many children, especially those who have never been to a nursery and have only spent time with family. If you can't go, that's a shame. But for your child, not because of the school's view of you!

Transition is primarily to placate over-anxious parents and keep Ofsted happy.
I really wouldn't stress: your child is likely to settle in much quicker without all that fuss.

Get used to the guilt- you will have all the holidays which will be a much better position than better than most especially if you’ve had help from grandparents. Get your husband used to taking annual leave for school events unless he’s also a teacher who can’t.

In many ways it doesn’t get easier. Our school seem to try and avoid paying for coaches and are very reliant on parents being taxis. It drives me mad as it’s very hard logistically and there is always a mad scrabble on WhatsApp. Am sure it’s a bit dodgy re procedures.

eg - this week a sporting event from 1-3 requiring parental transport to a different location, next week a school trip between 9.15 and 2.30 half an hour away (and on a day I’m already booked into wrap around.

This thread has taken a bit of a turn hasnt it?

OP, I was a SAHM when my DS was little, and I wasn’t able to get to quite a few of these ‘things’
My DDad was starting with dementia, and looked perfectly fine to others, but would wander off when my back was turned, talk (and argue) with random people, cause havoc in the house and become aggressive quickly if he couldn’t understand something. I absolutely could not work at this time, but it looked like I was a ‘lady of leisure’ Only the family knew DDad was ill.

I didn’t know that teachers were judging me as ‘couldn’t be arsed’ to attend these days at school.

Judgey??

If your mum is doing the drop offs, can your mum attend a few, so she knows who the teacher and TA will be, which door to use etc.?

Your comments are highly offensive to working parents. If you can't get your child to the settling in days, you have 3 months to find a solution. Why do you personally need to see the teacher everyday? Why is it on you personally and not, what seems like, a strong support network of an engaged Dad and Grandparent.

Youre fine - they’ll clearly understand you’re a teacher as they’re in the same job!

I would try to get your husband to commit to attending as many as possible, rather than just saying he’ll “try” though.

Trust me, schools don’t think that. They know money doesn’t grow on trees while parents swan about drinking coffee, watching daytime tv and waiting for pick up time! We know that parents need to work! You sou d like a hardworking and caring mum and that is what your child needs, more than your presence on a one-off afternoon which really won’t make a long term difference to her schooling.

Of course it's fine to just attend what you can. That's what we all do. You can only do what you can.

But it does make me wonder why primary school teachers never step back and put the two together. Why if you're so shocked and upset that there's all these school events that have popped up out the blue and you work so you can't attend them, do teachers persist on running them every year? We are all in the same boat. Most parents of working age with primary school children are either working or caring or both. It's very difficult to attend all these events and we all feel guilty when we don't. Yours, and other teachers experiences should be the impetus to change how you run things with parents rather than thinking of teachers as the exception. Also no teacher has ever asked me if I work or not so I don't know how they would know if I do.

To be honest it does upset my kids when I can't attend. The guilt is real because they are disappointed. My DD was really upset that I'm not going to be able to go into the class at 2pm and read them a story because that is our schools latest initiative. These things are absolutely endless through primary school and every one you don't attend will disappoint your kids. Only the teachers have the power to do something about it.

Yes, exactly. When I missed out on primary school assemblies etc due to work the reason I felt bad was that my children might feel sad I wasn’t there, plus I wanted to see them - I didn’t for one second think about whether a teacher would judge me for it!
Why do you care if you’re judged for it? As long as you know that you’re deeply invested in your child and their education, why does it matter what anyone else thinks? Your engagement with things like parents evening, reading record, how your child behaves and learns etc will make it much more clear about how much you care than your attendance at day time events, anyway.

The teachers that arrange events in school hours know first hand (because they can't go to their own kids' events) that not all parents can go.
They should accept this and absolutely not send out any guild-inducing messages.

I am not a teacher, but have some in my family. I know they have been able to attend some of their own kids' events. There are schools that allow teachers some degree of flexibility.

OP, do you think parents who don't attend things are rubbish parents, even if they are teachers like yourself? Is so, why? If not, then why do you think your child's school will think you're a rubbish parent?

Maddest thing I have ever read on here. And I have been here a good while!!

Why would they need to do this? This would take an enormous amount of time??

Well, that's just ridiculous! I hate the idea that schools/teachers are judging parents. In fact, that attitude would cause me to judge them harshly.
Those sanctimonious teachers (and schools) are not failing in their jobs if they can't make the distinction between between those parents who care but can't just take time off work whenever, and those who really don't care, whose children the school and teachers should notice and seek to support.

If you're that concerned about judgement, and that you won't be able to support your child's education then get another job 🤷‍♀️

Eh? 11 days
I stayed exactly 10 minutes (was meant to be 30) before the teacher laughed and threw me out. She said ds had settled in beautifully and I could go - he loved it

I guess my worry is the school may see me not attending as me not caring

Is that what you think of parents who can't come to parents evening?

@BalletPrancer As I've said many times, I am not referring to every SAHP. Not at all.
But the sad reality is some parents simply don't make any effort. Same when it comes to collecting their children on time time at the end of the school day. Some parents very rarely do because they know we will "babysit" their kids until they arrive. In the meantime my own children have to wait longer for me to collect them. But my own kids are irrelevant; I really ought to have learned that after 20 years in teaching. I'm back to uni from September to do a Masters as an exit strategy.

I don't think moving from teaching to another profession will necessarily make it easier to attend school events.