A bad mummy re child starting school :(

[Hellodarknessmyfriend]

My little one is due to start school in September. We have been given a list of 11 days relating to the transition in; stay and plays, meet the staff, home visit, staggered start times etc.
The issue is they are all (naturally) over the course of a school day and I am primary teacher.
Literally the only one I can attend is an evening Welcome Meeting.
This makes me looks like a rubbish parent, doesn't it?

Just tell school you are a teacher and they will be fine and if it’s a decent school, will think no less of you. Ask them if your child can start on a full time basis. My understanding is that they cannot refuse you this!

That doesn't make any sense, as presumably they are also primary school teachers, some of whom will have children. Who cares what the other mums think? If they were sniffy about you, then presumably they would be happy about their own child's teacher having 11 days off at the start of their children's school life?

Teaching is one of the most inflexible careers. I am a teacher and most parents do attend these kind of things due to having flexible working, being able to work from home and take an hour for lunch etc. Obviously not everyone. 11 is complete overkill though! I always remember my ex HT saying she was the only Mum that couldn't take her kid to school on her first day as she had to be there for her class.

No it doesn't make you a bad parent op.
I'm guessing the ones you think would be judging you would be the teachers and as they know first hand what your job entails they would totally understand as I'm guessing why would be in the same position with their own DC's

I find it incredible that schools still haven't moved with the times on things like this (still doing prolonged staggered starts etc) and it is one of my biggest bugbears.

The irony that for every half day leave or flex my husband or I would have to take to attend something for the sake of DS 'settling in', is one day or half day more that he'll have to go to holiday club in the school holidays to make up for it because we've used that leave.

I say this as someone who has a flexible job and has cut my hours for DS's benefit for pickups. I'm doing my best!

The only thing I would say OP is that the advantage of being a teacher should be that you are off in school holidays. You don't have to juggle that in the same way (me and DH rarely have more than 1 week off a year together, which is common for working parents). So your DH should be picking up a lot, if not all of the term time stuff (although maybe not 11 days!) (ETA...having a partner who is a teacher is a huge advantage for him in this way...I really hope he recognises that).

Our school only had 3 of those “events” and I still didn’t manage to go to all of them despite working part time! I strongly suspect the reason for so many events is to increase chances that working parents can make at least one of them. No one is going to think you’re a bad mum!

I was heavily judged by DC school for not being able to make all of the transition meetings due to work.

Unless the teachers are incredibly stupid they can see that they are in exactly the same position!

@SpongeBob2022 teachers are rarely off during the school holidays, have you any idea the amount of work they need to do throughout the holidays? Childcare is definitely needed if you’ve no one else to pick up the slack at home

“I guess my worry is the school may see me not attending as me not caring. Which absolutely could not be further from the truth”
They are teachers just like you, so they will understand that your job as a teacher means you can’t attend and won’t make the assumption that you don’t care, just as I’m sure you wouldn’t make that assumption about other parents of your students who were teachers. There are loads of other professionals (and non-professionals) whose jobs mean they can’t be around for these things, either. You’re overthinking it and worrying unnecessarily.

Are any of the grandparents local? Would they take your little one?
My mum and MIL loved doing the intro days.

Just say you can’t do all the extras.
Tell them your child will be starting doing staggered days and sort out your child care as you would normally for half days/full days or whatever.

You don’t have to have a home meeting (that’s to check you don’t need a SS referral) and you don’t need stay and plays etc.

Just be assertive and say no. Your child won’t be missing out on anything.
Nobody until the 2000’s did all this extra, annoying meet and greet crap.

If your mum does a lot of the care then can’t she go in for the dates your husband can’t? But yes it is a lot, and you have a perfectly good excuse.

No you're a working mum who can't take time off at the drop of a hat, much as you would like to !!

I don't think anyone will judge you for being a teacher! If your mum will be taking and fetching your child, could she go to any of the events? I honestly wouldn't worry about what the school think, what I would be thinking is what will make your child's transition to school as good as possible? The key things to help her feel at ease, like maybe a home visit from her new teacher, or a day time visit to her classroom, absolutely should be priorities with some else who cares for her if you can't be there.

Eleven days? They are going to school, not being packed off to the Front!

@cliffdiver We are only permitted to take any time off in exceptional circumstances. In essence, for a funeral of a first-degree relative or for a non-routine hospital appointment. Taking any time off to attend things like sports days, assemblies, plays, first day of school would not be authorised.

Don't be suckered into this way of thinking. It's easy to assume other parents are doing all this stuff. In reality it's only the super flexible ones or the ones with a stay at home parent. The rest of us are not able to manage all this stuff and .. spoiler alert .. it's fine !

OP my friend is a primary school teacher and our children are the exact same age and I remember the exact same situation with her. She was so upset at the time. The school were wonderful as of course they totally understood. Just think of the positives as not needing holiday childcare and not having to work at Christmas which many other parents have to do. Several years on and there are way more positives now as the children only finish school 30 mins before she gets home so it's great.

Please note that a 'non-working' parent probably has a reason for not working, something that prevents them from working. And that thing that prevents them from working, is likely the reason why they also cannot attend the school event!
For example

• A small child or two to take care of
• Caring responsibilities (disabled child, sick or elderly relative)
• Their own health or disability

...so try not to judge. It's not likely they're at home twiddling their thumbs.

@CracklingLogsGalore Our preschool is term-time only so summer holidays are difficult for me re prepping, planning, going in to get new classes ready etc which of course you are expected to do as a teacher.

@UpsyDaisysarmpit that’s all very possible, but let’s not pretend. We all know that the vast majority of non-attending non-working parents just can’t be bothered. They’re not interested and not engaged. I’ve known loads like that, who openly admit they’d rather go shopping or stay at home than go to a school assembly or whatever.

@UpsyDaisysarmpit I absolutely agree and understand this. Without question.
But the sad reality is that some parents can attend but choose not to. This is very frustrating because parental support is so important and beneficial to students.

Sorry I clicked yanbu to mean you are not a bad mum and it’s unfair the school has so much going on go the kids during school time (which makes sense).

@SparkyBlue What time does she get home?!! Is she in England?