A bad mummy re child starting school :(

[Hellodarknessmyfriend]

My little one is due to start school in September. We have been given a list of 11 days relating to the transition in; stay and plays, meet the staff, home visit, staggered start times etc.
The issue is they are all (naturally) over the course of a school day and I am primary teacher.
Literally the only one I can attend is an evening Welcome Meeting.
This makes me looks like a rubbish parent, doesn't it?

You will meet staff at the welcome visit. And you can ask to reduce your staggered start time if it's easier. I'd try to do the home visit (either your dh or mum) and they can report back to you.

Is your dh worrying he can't attend them all?

I get it, I too love ina village where there very few full time working mothers. It means there’s no childcare locally and that they all know each other so it leaves the working mum feeling a bit left out. They can attend all performances/be helpers. Etc. It’s a tough dynamic but one that only affects you.
the kids are resilient and fine and no know difference. They get on with it and are used to seeing a different relative at performances. Mostly gran, often aunty, sometimes mum. Very rarely dad as he worked so far away at that time. It gets better as they get older. And then it gets worse at the end of primary school and you are expected to be at the school every blooming week for something or other!!

You're asking this question, when you're a primary school teacher yourself? Seriously?!

If you're thinking this, then is it that your head teacher is not very family friendly? I've only ever worked for heads that let me go to first day in Reception, sports days, class assemblies, performances etc. If you're working in a school where this is not a given, then you need to change places.

What a bizarre pile on because the OP is a teacher.

Of course people have a professional hat and a personal hat and respond to things differently within these roles. You might know professionally that parents are trying their best and support them in any way you can, but still hold guilt and judge yourself more harshly when it’s your child.

Have you never had an experience of being much more forgiving of a friend than you would be of yourself in a similar circumstance?

I agree with others, ask your mum, especially if she is the one doing all the drop offpick ups. Or get DH to use annual leave to attend some of them. Or if you don't see the point don't worry. I'm sure the school won't mind, some of them will be working parents too

Have you asked your head? Do you have flexibility to work from home on your PPA to do a drop off/pick up?

OP, your post really bothers me.
You are a primary school teacher yourself, so when parents are not able to attend the numerous activities school organises during school hours which is also working hours, do you see those parents as ones who don't care about their children? Do you see them as bad parents?
As a primary school teacher yourself, if you can not understand that it is simply not possible for some working parents to attend these activities like transitioning period for start of reception year, you must have been judging those parents. And judging them unfairly from the sounds of it.
I don't understand you.

DH and I work flexi hours so we can do drop off/pick ups between us, and sports days/concerts etc.

However, DS is in a lot of clubs during holidays, which you won't have to do (and there have been judgemental mumsnet posts about this!).

There is always mum guilt about something!

Oh i see others have the same question.

You are being way too hard on yourself. I was a SAHM but I don't think it made any difference to my children when starting school. The teachers even viisited my home but I think it was way more about them picking up potential issues rather than me or my child benefiting from it.

You're obviously a caring mum and that's all that counts really. You're also helping to provide for your children and that makes you a good role model too.

As long as you are present in the evening to listen to any concerns of your children they will be fine.

You're right about judgemental posts but there are whatever you do. There are tons of judgemental posts about SAHMs, WOH mothers, part-time mothers, full-time working mums - whatever we do we're supposed to feel bad about it.

No wonder women often feel so guilty/anxious because it is apparently impossible to get it right. That's why it's best to do what works for your family and ignore all the judgy mcjudge pants as none of them are walking in your shoes.

I’m a Primary teacher and our parents evenings always run until 8pm. It is a lot though, I can’t be available that late all the time. We had parents evening recently and I was at school from 0730 until 2045 two days in a row (so out of the house even longer) and barely had time to eat or pee in all that time.

However, I do get that it’s hard for busy parents. During covid we learned the art of a video call; I’ll happily arrange a Teams meeting/phone call for parents that want to chat but can’t make it to school. Tbh it’s easier for me too, but I do arrive at school at 0730 each morning and don’t really want to be still working after 5pm on the average night. If you send me an email, I’ll reply the next working day.

We have pressure to put on events to engage parents and make connections. Some parents really want these things to happen. I see it very much as a ‘come if you can’ and I don’t judge (or even give much thought to) parents who don’t turn up. I will put on occasional evening events throughout the year, but I draw the line at working at weekend events (as some parents have suggested). Some parents mistakenly think attending a summer fete on a Saturday afternoon is a fun day out for teachers.

Finally, even parents that don’t work have their reasons for not coming to events. They could have a number of other things they need to do or people they need to look after. Some had challenging experiences of school as a child and find it hard to engage. I am as open and welcoming as I can be and I do not judge.

I can’t imagine why OP’s school have arranged 11 events, but my school would arrange cover for a class so that a teacher could attend at least one event for their child starting school.

It is difficult -not just transition but all the days when you are expected to attend. I wasn't worried about the teacher's feeling i didn't care just about disappointing DS. I was lucky - one child, SAHP and flexible job - but it is luck. My mum went to various grandchildren things when their parents couldn't go. Also after getting to know other parents we made an effort to talk to DS's friends in particular if their parents weren't around and vice versa -so they weren't left in the classroom.
I do worry that you are judging other parents albeit non-working ones and so thats why you are worried about being judged. I think the biggest issue for a lot of parents is what to do with their other children during parents evening/evening events and this impacts non-working ones

No, seriously all working parents struggle with this. You not alone. Stop with the guilt. You not a bad mum. Also you not the only one with a job with no flexibility...try NHS to name one ..one friend who works for a a hotel (cleaner) struggled too which a mixture of other half and friends and grandparents dropping and picking up ... One friend is what you called a sahp but she's caring for her mum and struggled too re this silly hour here and there. Stop judging the other parents. You not a bad parent

So you yourself are a primary school teacher, but you think a bunch of randoms on the internet will have a better insight than you into the thought processes of a primary school teacher than you do?

you work as a primary school teacher so why are you writing these “bad mummy” posts when you know full well why the job is inflexible and why you can’t attend? It seems pretty judgemental of working parents tbh - you’re saying “of course I don’t judge” and then in the next sentence it’s clear that you do. Comes across quite off.

I'm an eyfs teacher and have taught plenty of children whose parents are teachers. Get your mum to mention to staff about you being a primary teacher and mention it yourself. That way you know everyone knows and of course anyone in a school setting will feel nothing but sympathy and understanding 😊

Doesn't read that way to me at all. Plenty of people FEEL like bad mums when they have to go back to work and the OP says she works in an area with lots of SAHMs.

I don't know why you're judging anyone for not attending, just because somebody doesn't work doesn't mean they are available for all this school stuff either, there is so much of it and so little flexibility and for a parent to not be working these days usually that's due to caring responsibilities or that they have health issues etc. And how do you know they are SAHM's? Lots of people work remote jobs, or around school runs, so just because you see somebody at drop off and pick up doesn't mean they are free in between. I think if you stop judging other people and always assume the best in others, your world view will change and you will expect others to treat you with the same kindness and lack of judgement as you would them.

I missed most things because I am a teacher but the school holidays make up for it. Most parents can’t do this amount anyway.

Aware I'm missing the point OP but your original post says home visit?
I'm just curious- do they really intent to visit the children's home?
Never heard of this from a school!

I also work a job that allows little flexibility - I make it to some stuff, my OH makes it to others and if we can't- we try and send a grandparent.
Have you considered wither your mum could attend? If your feeling bad about no one being their for your LO.

OP have you asked your head if you can take some time out for this?

All schools I have worked at have allowed staff out to attend sports day / welcome meetings / school plays / first day at school etc during the school day.

I was talking to the head teacher at DS's school yesterday morning about a leavers' event. I mentioned that I couldn't chat for long as I needed to be in work for 9am. He expressed surprise and congratulated me on my new job. I've been back at work since my youngest started reception - he's about to leave Year 6! The head has taught both my DC during this time. So teachers don't always know which parents work and which don't, despite thinking that they do.

It's rubbish having to tell your child that you can't attend all the school events. I totally sympathise.

Your child is obviously in some form of childcare now? So will probably find settling easy and you will too as you have confidence in the school environment. However there are kids who have only been at home with parent and may need this. And more likely the parents will need it too. I'd say that the ones where you go in to play with your child are important for your child , they are usually only an hour and I am sure your head will give you time out to attend. Our head would . But you probably don't need the home visit etc. but teachers won't judge you (you know that!)
Do the ones that matter to what you feel your child needs and don't worry about what other people think.

It sounds like overkill and I get it as I'm a teacher (luckily on mat leave for my eldest starting on Sept) too but the transition is mainly for your DD not you so actually you're really lucky that your mum has her most of the time so she can't take her. There will likely be other grandparents facilitating too.