AIBU for being annoyed at other mother's reaction to her child biting mine

[FourOfDiamonds]

My child (16 months) got bitten today and I know these things happen but I'm so cross about the other mum's reaction.

I was at a weekly baby class. My DC was sitting at the top of two steps. Another child (3 months older) goes over and sits next to him and starts trying to push him down the steps. The other mum is sitting closer to them than me and just says (smiling) 'don't do that'. I realise she's not going to intervene so I start heading over. Before I can get there, the other child grabs mine by the scruff of the neck and bites his cheek. The other mum (still not getting up) just says 'not on the face' but still in a sort of sing song voice. The bite didn't break the skin but went really red, swelled up and left teeth marks. The other mum didn't apologise or even check my DC was ok.

I didn't say anything to her as I didn't want to make a scene. I've spoken to my husband and he says he thinks I did the right thing as I see her every week and probably no good would have come from saying something but I'm not sure. Interested to know what other people would have done? Kicking myself a bit now for not speaking up.

This is the first time my DC has been bitten so maybe I'm overreacting but felt the other mum's behaviour was really off.

This!
So speechless you can't stand up for your child. Wishy washy parenting from both parties

This happened to a little girl I happened to be sitting near, bigger boy wanted her toy car and bit her - I picked her up as she was hysterical and said quite loudly ‘we do not bite’
The mother came over defensive and said her child doesn’t bite - and I showed her the marks in her arm and the mother retreated.

This child wasn’t even mine!

I agree a back bone is needed.

@Riversideandrelax Totally different circumstances. If you were my friend , I would know that your DC was autistic. Plus you did address it .My friend just didn't want to deal with it at all.

Would you? I didn't even know he was autistic then! Not many are diagnosed that young. But yes, I take your point, that if she didn't want to deal with it at all that's very annoying and pretty hurtful too considering your DC was hurt.

I am sorry to hear your Son was injured.

Who is in charge of this Group? Their needs to be agreed rules, like no biting, least of all because Schools used to refuse admittance at four to children who did this.

Let the Group's organiser explain this concept to this Mother, biting another person anywhere is never condoned, and she is expected to make this clear to her child for everybody's sake, not leasr her own Child's, and if she cannot or will not she should be asked to leave the Group.

If this Group does not run like this, I would be sourcing another group, but this is your call your choice.

Good luck. 👍

You are the advocate for and protector of your child and they will learn from your response.
The mother has to know this behaviour is not acceptable and that you expect her to intervene. No ‘Im sorry but’ because you are not but she should be.
To avoid confrontation but also parental avoidance speak about the action not the child. E.g. Your child just bit mine - this is not acceptable and I need you to stop it if you see it happening.
If it happens again I will have no choice but to report this to the group leader. Ensure your child knows you have their back.

I'd have definitely gone for loud passive-aggressive so that all the other parents could hear me 🤭

Did they BITE you?! On the FACE?! Oh my poor LITTLE ONE, that's just not RIGHT is it? That was a VERY NAUGHTY thing to do. I imagine their Mummy will EXPLAIN WHY we DON'T BITE people.

Always blame the action and not the person. The child wasn't bad or naughty - their behaviour was. It's much harder for someone to come back with Did you just call my child... Because you didn't.

My DS was a biter. It was absolutely mortifying. I ended up avoiding playgroups and soft play as couldn't relax in case he bit someone.
No way should this woman have just let him do it without a severe reprimand. It may be an instinctive behaviour and an indicator of neurodivergence (turns out my son had adhd) but they need to understand social boundaries from a young age. My son's biting stopped when he bit one of our best friend's daughter at the age of 2.5 and I totally lost my shit with him. Ended up screaming WE DO NOT BITE at him. Awful parenting in a lot of ways but it worked... 15 years on and his an absolutely gem of a boy so I won't give myself too much grief!

This really resonates with me. When my DS was 8 he had his front brand new adult teeth broken by another child, he will never get them back and it’s already caused a lot of treatment and there will be problems of some sort forever. But because some useless fillings were put in at the emergency appointment the same day no-one ever had to face up to what happened like we did because they couldn’t see it. It got pretty much brushed under the carpet with the perpetrator missing a few play times or something.

It’s still upsetting 7 years later and always will be I think.

I occasionally wonder whether I should contact the parents and give them an update about my son’s teeth. They moved away at the end of that school year and probably never gave it another thought. We even went to their little goodbye drinks, thinking it was the decent conciliatory thing to do, and then literally days later my son was banging on the ground in agony on the beach on holiday as his face swelled up with an infection caused by the injury 9 months earlier. It still bothers me the other parents know nothing about that or the hours of root canal he then had.

Sorry, that was way too long…

OP, I would hope that I would say something in your shoes but I can see why you didn’t.

My daughter was a biter. It was due was due to asd and sensory difficulties (other children being in her space etc.)
It happened regularly for years and was the hardest time in my life.
She was unable to attend nursery or school because of that and other violence, demand avoidance etc.
I did everything in my power to prevent it (warning other parents of triggers etc and teaching her alternative ways to cope). I've even been known to shove my own hand into her mouth to avoid other people being bitten. I was always within grabbing distance and we stopped doing most things that involved other children.
She wasn't in control of it. It took about 5 years before she had the impulse control to completely stop.
I felt physically sick every time it happened and apologised profusely to both parent and child and addressed it firmly with her every single time.
It's unacceptable to just ignore it.
I can't understand why any parent wouldn't react more.
"Not on the face" is just mental.

I’d message her and tell her you are upset by her reaction and that your child has a mark left.z it would have been appreciated if she had of intervened.

'not on the face', she knows her child is a biter and is not doing anything to stop him.

Useless parent. My daughter got bitten on the face at nursery once. When the mother found out she was mortified. She wasted no time in coming to me at the end of the day to say that she was terribly sorry and her child would be going to bed early and not getting the Halloween costume she had been promised. She was also brought over to apologise. The kids were older than yours (4) in case any one is thinking that’s too harsh a punishment.
She should at least have dealt with it by taking the child away from the situation, saying ‘no, you don’t bite that hurts’ and apologising to you and your child.

If it was a baby group with organisers or a teacher, I would speak to them about it. That’s what I did when another child deliberately scratched my DD’s face and his mum did the pathetic ‘gentle hands’. It took all my concentration not to cry in the session because I was so angry but trying not to make a scene. The same child had attacked other children in the session too, including going for someone’s throat!

The teacher for the session spoke to the other mum and he soon stopped coming. If his mum made that decision or the teacher, I don’t know but my child was safer.

The same DD had some feral tendencies and went through a phase of hitting and kicking DD1. We dealt with this firmly every time and she soon stopped.

Hell no, I would have 100% been absolutely livid.

If it is an arranged class then report to whoever is running it. They aren’t responsible for managing behaviour but if one kid keeps biting others then the owner can ask that parent not to come anymore.

Oh I'd of made a scene I can't abide parents like that and my kids come first

My child never used other children as a teething ring.

If he had I would have been clear with him: that’s not okay, no matter how young you can still clearly state “no biting” but at 2 they want boundaries and seem programmed to push for them. Ineffectual parenting does seem on the rise when I look around these days but so’s my spidery senses projected influx at Borstal 2035🤷‍♀️

If you think this is normal (or learned behaviour?) then think what the whole class will be like in a week from seeing that, zombie apocalypse here we come! I’m sure some watch and try it out, even if it’s a month later unconnected scenario and setting, after all that mum did teach her child and yours and everyone else’s in earshot that it’s okay if it’s not the face… “er…No!”
The mind boggles and quite frankly that’s a bit of a concerning comment for anyone trained (and hopefully untrained) in safeguarding.

The school should be made aware and then it’s up to them to send out an email to all parents e.g: “FYI there’s a no biting policy at school”.

If you need a teething ring you don’t go to the shop and pick up another child 🤷‍♀️
please see me message above yours.

I completely disagree with your previous post. 🤷

For one thing, I completely disregard any parenting advice that starts "my DC never did, but if they did I would...".

So much of the advice on this thread isn't age appropriate for the baby who did the biting. This is a baby, not a preschooler, and as such they're not misbehaving, they're just sort of being. Yes the mum was wet, but let's face it, at this age most giving out is for the benefit of the other parents around than the child.

At this age, always be in arms reach, toddlers are unpredictable (as is developmentally appropriate) and have no understanding that they can hurt other children (again, developmentally appropriate).

And no, neither of my DC were biters, but I didn't think the ones that were were being bold either.

🤣🤣🤣. This

and yes while I’ve been lucky with my child not biting others I am sure every infant attempts a bit or nibble on mums shoulder at some point, mine included, but I firmly believe addressing the situation the minute it happens makes a big difference (in most cases), communication being key no matter the age (by the time they’re grown adult children passed 18 it’s a bit late), clearly you alter your response depending on the age you are dealing with but always communicate it’s not okay
“we don’t bite”
“we don’t bite others”
”we don’t bite others or animals”
“we don’t bite anything that’s not edible”🙇🏻‍♀️
then after two….

OP I agree with many others that it’s

1. probably too late to address it with the parent now but to keep your child away from hers.
2. you can choose to have a quiet word with her but honestly with a comment like “it’s not okay to bit on the face” (alarm bells!) she might not be as empathetic as you, so you need to be prepared (protect emotionally if you don’t get the outcome you desire) to deal with her response if she meets you as a child herself.
3. inform the school so they can follow policy and procedures to minimise it becoming an ongoing problem.

OP I am so sorry your child was bitten and how that must have felt and I hope all our responses are helpful in some way. You are very lucky it didn’t break the skin. It’s totally understandable you were shocked by the mums response -not the face, and sing-song!

Hope you feel better in what to do moving forwards.

Hi thanks for your comments

1. I’m afraid I didn’t say “misbehaving”. Babies are learning culturally acceptable and appropriate ways of behaving from adults responses at that age.
2. I disagree that babies don’t “benefit“ from communication.