AIBU for being annoyed at other mother's reaction to her child biting mine

[FourOfDiamonds]

My child (16 months) got bitten today and I know these things happen but I'm so cross about the other mum's reaction.

I was at a weekly baby class. My DC was sitting at the top of two steps. Another child (3 months older) goes over and sits next to him and starts trying to push him down the steps. The other mum is sitting closer to them than me and just says (smiling) 'don't do that'. I realise she's not going to intervene so I start heading over. Before I can get there, the other child grabs mine by the scruff of the neck and bites his cheek. The other mum (still not getting up) just says 'not on the face' but still in a sort of sing song voice. The bite didn't break the skin but went really red, swelled up and left teeth marks. The other mum didn't apologise or even check my DC was ok.

I didn't say anything to her as I didn't want to make a scene. I've spoken to my husband and he says he thinks I did the right thing as I see her every week and probably no good would have come from saying something but I'm not sure. Interested to know what other people would have done? Kicking myself a bit now for not speaking up.

This is the first time my DC has been bitten so maybe I'm overreacting but felt the other mum's behaviour was really off.

No absolutely not.
Most of the biters i know of were not breastfed.

She should have apologised. My dd used to attack multiple children each week at the toddler group we went to I was always ready to stop her but sometimes was too quick or she would snatch everyone’s toys to collect them all up and I’d have to apologise to everyone. It was awful but I was always saying sorry or hovering and stopping her apart from the few times I was too slow as had my baby with me too after a few months we had to stop going due to it

You can get your point across to her about her child’s biting without causing a scene, as other posters have given examples of.

I had a friend that I met at baby group whose DC started to bite when teething and she would be covered in bite marks as he grew older and stronger. Then he started biting other children, including my DC. Aged 5 he was still biting because friend and her DH never told him off or gave consequences at all. This is not to mention his other dire behaviours as well as the biting, because again, he was treated like he was the new Messiah who should be revered.

They moved away when he was 4 and I was glad to see the back of them although I hear on the grapevine that his behaviour is still the same at 10yo. Their child’s dreadful behaviour is the classic result of ineffectual parenting and it drives people away from you when you are like this, not to mention that you are doing your child a disservice by allowing this to happen.

@nwsw so you explained the basics of child development. Looks like the parent was somewhat lacking the necessary parental skills. Surely teaching your child right from wrong will hugely help them in social development.

Some children are feisty and need to be taught that some behaviours are not not and told quite sternly instead of „sing song” voice.

I still remember the nightmare parents ignoring their little angels’ behaviour or excusing that „he/she’s only expressing their emotions. Well I don’t agree with your child expressing their emotions in a way that is painful to my child.

I had to rescue both of mine several times from the setting due to them being hit,kicked and bitten. Mainly the same offenders while the parent stood and did nothing.

Still remember mum of the little horror George who was eventually asked to not to attend the toddler group after her son drew blood(again). She was asked several times to address her son’s behaviour. The family eventually moved as George became social pariah due to his behaviour.

Sorry, what's with the anti breastfeeding brigade suggesting it causes biting?

The only biter I know was formula fed. However I am not so dense to suggest that was the reason. Correlation is not equal to causation.

Anyway, my son was deliberately hurt by another older child once and although I said "don't do that" I have often reflected on the incident and wished I had gone to find said child's parent, and been harsher to the child tbh. It definitely deserved a harsher response but there was no parent to be seen. Obviously 🙄

To caveat my post; I'm combination feeding my child; so breast as well as bottle and he is becoming a biter.

Reminds me of the time an older child scratched my toddler at the time really badly on the face. I had to actively search for the mum who said ‘oh I thought he was over that phase or I would have cut his nails’. I told the child off at the time and my friends who were with me were a bit embarrassed until they saw blood dripping down my daughters face. I told him off because he then went on to pull her hair!
I tore a strip off the mum and would do it again. My child has mixed race skin which heals slower and it took months to disappear.
By all means do passive parenting if that’s your thing but it does not give license for other children to hurt others without consequence.
Conversely when my daughter has done something, I have intervened robustly, but it’s rare that happens as I watch her like a hawk.
I feel for you but would advise being much clearer about boundaries and consequences if this happens again.

Why do you think then that it's breastfeeding that encourages biting of others? I'm curious.

My breastfed daughter bites my nipples which bloody hurts - and I put them away when she does that as lesson to her that I don't feed her when she does that - but I don't see it leading to her being a bitey kid in general. I'm more of the opinion that biters are expressing repressed emotions through action that gets a response.

I've breastfed two kids and they have never bitten other children.

They both went through a stage of biting my boob when they were babies, but they were about 10 months and it was over fairly quickly.

The regular suckling action is nothing at all like biting and certainly by the time they were toddlers they were well over that.

I've read a lot around breastfeeding and met lots of breastfeeding mums, I've never heard of any link between breastfeeding and biting other children, even anecdotally.

Why didn't you say something to the parent of the child who had bit your child?

Or the leader of the group?

You are there to protect your child in ANY situation. Why did you wait to get home and speak to your husband and then ask Mumsnet?

Even more reason to say something.

You and the other adult saw it happen.

You are there to look after your child. Why on earth didnt you say something.

Was there someone in charge at the baby class that you could talk to?

The mother ought to have reprimanded the child ad told him/her not to do that again, an irresponsible parent.

I would loudly say 'No, sweetheart, we don't play with Tarquin, he's a BITER' and stare the mother down.

@FourOfDiamonds Clearly this wet mother knows her child bites.
It’s absolutely not on.

I’d have reacted immediately and been very cross at the feral biter- to absolutely let him know to keep his feral teeth to himself, if his irresponsible mother couldn’t discipline him.

YANBU for being upset, but YABU for letting it slide. Next time make the scene!

Now that useless drip gets to go around having her kid biting others (not in the face 🙄), and your kid will learn it’s okay to be bitten and no one will do anything about it.

Yes, you ought to have said something to her.

”Not on the face?” Bloody hell.

Expect she’s a gentle parent. Her darling was expressing himself.

I think you should say something next time
If she couldn't chastise her son then you should of spoken up for him to the lack luster mother.
My sil was like this it's so annoying.
And extremely lazy on her part!
Just say her attitude has played on your mind since it happened.
And you would like to understand why it wasn't fine on the face in her opinion but anywhere else is , I would of been fuming and I am for you, my grandson stuck up for some smaller children at a play area because the mums were doing nothing , I had to tell him off but I was secretly proud of him if I am honest , he asked why he was told off and the bully wasn't so I quite loudly announced that he was a bully for a reason and looked his mother dead in the eye. I told my grandson because we use a kind hand and obviously that child doesn't have that so he was acting out and it was his mums fault , it was nice of my grandson to stick up for the children but not his place , he should of told an adult but he did go looking for the child's mother beforehand to be fair and he is only 7 .

15 years ago a child of about 4 walked up and smacked my child in the face when she was 10 months, sitting in a highchair at our table in a Cafe. I was gobsmacked, the mother didn't say anything and the woman she was with just said "all children smack at some point" I was so shocked and upset, I walked out and didn't say anything. 15 years later and I still think about that and how I should have stood up for my child and said something.

You absolutely should have spoken up and also spoken to the organisers of the baby class. Because of the other mother's reaction, I would have insisted on her child's exclusion. It's not acceptable.

This 100 per cent.
They are only babies but to be so complacent isn't right. I bet she'd be yelling her head off if your child had bitten hers.
Plus no apology either.

Take photographs because the bruise must be coming out now, so she doesn't minimise it.

Always say something, teach your kid that societal pressure doesn't make you not fight for them. Always right for them. To mom "I would prefer he wasn't bitten anywhere." And tell your kid, in front of the mom, "biting is not nice, I'm sorry that happened to you."

Actually, that’s a really great way of framing it! You’re right, it serves a dual purpose x

Wow. Kids do bite occasionally until they understand you can't but I'd have been all over it at the push and would've checked on your child and apologised, a lot.

Her reaction was absolutely not OK. Playgroups are not free babysitting, she needs to get off her bum and parent her child. Not 'on the face' .. 😐 My god...

Next week you definitely need to call across the room “no Georgie sweetheart, don’t play near the biter!”