AIBU for being annoyed at other mother's reaction to her child biting mine

[FourOfDiamonds]

My child (16 months) got bitten today and I know these things happen but I'm so cross about the other mum's reaction.

I was at a weekly baby class. My DC was sitting at the top of two steps. Another child (3 months older) goes over and sits next to him and starts trying to push him down the steps. The other mum is sitting closer to them than me and just says (smiling) 'don't do that'. I realise she's not going to intervene so I start heading over. Before I can get there, the other child grabs mine by the scruff of the neck and bites his cheek. The other mum (still not getting up) just says 'not on the face' but still in a sort of sing song voice. The bite didn't break the skin but went really red, swelled up and left teeth marks. The other mum didn't apologise or even check my DC was ok.

I didn't say anything to her as I didn't want to make a scene. I've spoken to my husband and he says he thinks I did the right thing as I see her every week and probably no good would have come from saying something but I'm not sure. Interested to know what other people would have done? Kicking myself a bit now for not speaking up.

This is the first time my DC has been bitten so maybe I'm overreacting but felt the other mum's behaviour was really off.

This is spot on. If people know their children are biters be that helicopter parent and intervene. Biting is one of those behaviours that shouldn’t be tolerated and frankly I really don’t care if other parents put it down to normal toddler behaviour. If you have a biter then deal with it, don’t sweep it under the carpet.

One of mine was a biter so I had to keep an eagle eye out and would have apologised if he but another child before I manage to nab him.

I wouldn't have been mortified or ashamed though as others have suggested because it's a normal phase for sons children.

I would definitely have said something. And loudly too. If that meant "a scene" then maybe next time her son bites another kid (cos he will) she wont just laugh it off.
"not on the face" as if biting other parts is ok! Batty wet parenting alert.
Id still go to the group if you like it op but for sure Id make a fuss if anything like that happens again.

Jesus I'm non confrontational but this takes the cake

Stand up for your child FFS!

You have to ask

What lesson is this teaching your child???

To say 'not on the face' is a ridiculous response. She's implying it's ok to bite another child on another part of the body. It also suggests she knew exactly what was coming and any sensible parent would have kept up and stopped the bite.
I would have said something at the time.
If you go again watch your baby and say something straight away.

Agree. Not on the face!

Advocate for your child. I can’t believe you didn’t say anything.

’I was left speechless’ is a cop out.

She was an utter twat.

I think your husband is right. With my first child I didn't hold back and gave lots of people a piece of my mind. It didn't protect my kid any more, just created bad feeling and fractured relationships. This woman isn't going to be a permanent fixture in your life and probably is just a wet parent who won't change.

If your child is in danger, remove them from the situation and keep your child away from her and hers. I've 3 kids now and my priority is keeping them safe and that doesn't always involve expressing my anger (it depends). Forums like mumsnet do tend to focus on the confrontation side of things, but honestly I don't think it's always necessary.

You're going to come across people who enrage you due to how they interact with your children. Pick your battles. You protected your child, the moment has passed and you still have some of this baby group to do, so just avoid this woman and keep your child away from hers.

You'll find your voice and know when to use it and when not to.

Some parents are just wet and ineffective... but I doubt if confronting the other mum would have made her behave any different.

My DS was bitten by another child ... this is years ago ... but the mother was mortified and so apologetic ... she actually ended up crying and I was trying to comfort her !

Id have made a scene to be honest.
Id certainly have told the child off and then rounded on the mum.

Yes it is s normal phase for some children but unless you correct it then its a phase they don't grow out of.

My child only bit a couple of times and never another child thank goodness. But each time she was given a telling off and taught that biting hurts others and it is not a nice thing to do.

Similar happened to dd when she was 3 or 4. I think I just said to the mum something like 'blimey, does he do that alot? Not ideal is it?'. I was livid internally, but like you I didn't want to make a huge scene.

Completely agree.

Perfect. I did this too and I don't see it as just passive aggressive. It's making sense of things for your child and letting them know your values and standards hold even when other people are useless.

'Not on the face....' Jesus. The best response to her would have just been a very quick, very sing song
' ... or anywhere else!'

To me, you were much too passive. While removing my child, I would have told that her she needs to start supervising her child to teach it not to be violent. I would then have explained the issue to the organiser and asked them to step in to explain that children need supervision in the play group. If the parent gets the hump in future, I would have no issue explaining what happened to any other parent in the setting.

Not great on the other parent's part but where we're you if you had to 'start heading over there' . Your child was 2 steps up and you wanted the other parent to supervise theirs and yours (by virtue that the two children were there within touching distance). I think going over are removing your child was enough to show you weren't happy.

How much would the other child have to hurt yours before you did say something? Kick? Punch? Thrown down stairs?
Because you didn't want to challenge a mother who lets her child hurt others?
This is where gently parenting is so feckin stupid. Let acts go unpiunished so the child never learns.

I think a lot of the time it’s embarrassment and not being totally sure how to deal with it. And to be honest at 19 months or so you can say no firmly but really all you can do if you have a biter is watch them like a hawk and move them away if you think they’re going to bite.

She sounds like an utter drip. I mean 16 month olds have no impulse control and aren't really biting in a malicious way but that doesn't mean you just let them do it. She should've moved him and distracted him, or at the very least apologised after the bite. You did well to hold your tongue, I doubt I would've.

Depends what you wanted to say?

As the mum of someone who was a biter I felt desperately mortified and sad when it happened and perhaps she just was embarrassed and just blurted that out. She has probably gone home to her partner and said 'oh god this happened and I just had the worst brain fart and said x'.

If you spoke up to judge her, I think it would make you the bad person.

If you comforted your child (big time and ott) then that's the right thing to do. And offer her some support 'I've heard when they bite you are supposed to fuss the hurt child and ignore the behaviour from the biter. He will get through this but he needs to see no attention at all from the biting'.

One if mine was a ‘biter’ and because of it I literally never sat down in group situations as always was shadowing them to intervene until the biting period was over.

not relaxing and very stressful but I wasn’t having my mini jaws eating half the neighbourhood.

one time only did he bite outside of the home. He bit my friends son when I’d turned my back for a second. I was mortified beyond belief. Mine was very firmly told ‘no’ and sat away to calm down. My friend had 3 kids and thankfully was very relaxed about it and took a ‘these things happen’ attitude (her son was quite challenging too - so she had ‘been there’ when he had bitten / hit others) but I checked her son was ok and over and over I apologised to them as I felt it was my fault for taking my eyes off my known vampire. .

even though she was super chilled about it and her son not badly hurt and back to playing in seconds - I was so upset as I felt I had let everyone down and I was mortified that he had bitten unprovoked in front of the whole toddler group.

we left the group early and I texted her as soon as I got home to say again how sorry I was.

i can’t believe how little this mum did - even thinking about it now years later I cringe and feel bad for the little one that mine bit - the ‘not on the face comment’ is concerning as where is it acceptable to bite someone?

I’m not an advocate if ‘no no no’ to kids as I think they become immune to the word if overused - but if ever there is a time for a firm sharp ‘NO biting’ this is it.

the biting period was one of the most stressful in my life - in our case largely due to my child’s special needs causing no speech which caused frustration as they couldn’t communicate - but that did not excuse it. I knew what was happening and why - but I still did everything in my power at home and out to try to ensure that I intervened and prevented them sinking their fangs in…

that level of apathy from the mum is absolutely pathetic - I understand the cringe / embarrassment factor of having a mini jaws - but you can’t let that behaviour go unchecked and you certainly show a lot of sympathy and kindness towards the person they bite and definitely apologise .

Similar thing happened to my child. No apology. In fact, blamed my child for being too close to hers! See them regularly out and about, just swerve them. My child remembers too and automatically stays away from the little one that bit him! If they don’t have good grace to begin with, making a scene that’s going to make things awkward going forward isn’t going to make a jot of difference.

This! ⬆️

I would definitely have said something.

My kid is 17 now but when he was around 5, I remember speaking very firmly to a little girl in the park who deliberately smacked him in the face with an umbrella. Her mother had been nearby & done nothing - her daughter cried & so THEN she got off her arse & came over & tackled me about it. I stood my ground then told her the conversation was over & turned away. She flounced off. My son still remembers it to this day!

This happened to my son and the mum just tried to laugh it off - when I pointed out that I didn’t see the funny side as my son had teeth-marks on his face and a big bruise, the mum started crying and complained to the people who ran the toddler group that I was being abusive towards her. I was probably a bit short with her… but was polite (I think I said something along the lines of ‘I don’t find it funny, my son is hurt, you need to supervise your child more closely.’) At the time I was really upset about it… but a few years later came across the same child and mum at school, he had complex learning difficulties and the family seemed to be having a really hard time. Looking back, perhaps they were exhausted and worn down and had no clue how to deal with the biting… it just made me relieved that I’d never had to deal with a serial biter and I sort of wished I had been a bit less short with her years ago.

Wtf?
'If you spoke up that would make you the bad person" What the actual fuck?
Ignore the behaviour and fuss the imjured child...

Feral parents bring up feral kids