AIBU for being annoyed at other mother's reaction to her child biting mine

[FourOfDiamonds]

My child (16 months) got bitten today and I know these things happen but I'm so cross about the other mum's reaction.

I was at a weekly baby class. My DC was sitting at the top of two steps. Another child (3 months older) goes over and sits next to him and starts trying to push him down the steps. The other mum is sitting closer to them than me and just says (smiling) 'don't do that'. I realise she's not going to intervene so I start heading over. Before I can get there, the other child grabs mine by the scruff of the neck and bites his cheek. The other mum (still not getting up) just says 'not on the face' but still in a sort of sing song voice. The bite didn't break the skin but went really red, swelled up and left teeth marks. The other mum didn't apologise or even check my DC was ok.

I didn't say anything to her as I didn't want to make a scene. I've spoken to my husband and he says he thinks I did the right thing as I see her every week and probably no good would have come from saying something but I'm not sure. Interested to know what other people would have done? Kicking myself a bit now for not speaking up.

This is the first time my DC has been bitten so maybe I'm overreacting but felt the other mum's behaviour was really off.

In this situation, I would have loudly made a fuss of my own child and asked the group organiser if they had any anti-septic wipes because "that child over there in the blue jumper has just bitten my child on the cheek". So without directly interacting with the mum, I would have made sure it was embarrassing for her. That said, I can completely understand being gobsmacked by her response. My child accidentally ran into another child the other day and the other child got the worst of it as they fell on a toy, and I was very concerned about the other child, who was quite upset, and took them to their grown-up who was with a younger child elsewhere in the room. I hate seeing little ones hurt, like I imagine most people do, and would be very apologetic if my own DC was the cause of it because I had been inadequately supervising. I can't imagine just ignoring the upset child.

Hmmm bite mum on the face…. See how the mum reacts ????? Things like this drive me nuts !
done many many toddler groups etc over the years and would be mortified if mine done this !!!
never be afraid to spk up …. Some ppl need very clear language .
next time your there; just tell your child to come away from that child , - they aren’t being kind . Truth hurts :)

I would make an extra loud show of modelling the behaviour that I would want to see.

So asking toddler if they’re okay, asking what happened which would include‘ me saying ‘I am so sorry that you were bitten/got hurt’ and ‘It is wrong to bite’

Did the other mum realise it was a bite and not just a mouthy/sloppy kiss? That might have been why she said “not on the face”.
Just to offer a different perspective here: I was shouted at by another carer (Grandma) on Monday at a baby music class because my 18m old grabbed her 1yo, pulled him over and started kissing him on the head. I jumped up, pulled my lo off and immediately started apologising and asking if her lo was okay and she shouted at me in front of the entire class. I’m still upset about it now.
Babies and toddlers do things like this. This kid might do it a lot (like my lo does) and mum might be at her wits end about it. I dread going to groups and spend the whole time worrying something will happen, but try to keep a calm exterior for my lo’s sake, which may come across that i’m not as bothered as I am . So there could be some misinterpretation/miscommunication here. I’m really glad you didn’t have a go at her or cause a scene, like some people are suggesting. I will say, every single member of that class has contacted me to ask if I’m ok and say that the other woman was out of order for shouting. People are all talk on here, but the reality is often different. If you had done sone of the things they’re suggesting, you might find yourself being shunned at group next time.
Having been on the other side of that reaction, I’m now debating not going back to a group I love, for fear I’ll be shouted at again for my toddler behaving like a toddler.

At 19 months old? Yeah right.

However, it might have just come out wrong but her response did sound a bit like it was ok to bite somewhere else!

It is annoying that some parents think they are morally superior when their kids don't bite. Until they've left infants' school (or possibly even later in some cases), you can't be sure that they never will. And 19 months is no age at all.

It’s a highly emotive and triggering situation so sometimes we do shy way from confrontation in case we make matters worse and lose our cool. As someone said though saying something to acknowledge simply what’s happened then let them do the talking while you simply look at them and wait for a response is quite powerful without starting an argument to at least get an apology

The "oh darling don't do that" in a useless breathy sing-song voice that in no way tells the child they've done something wrong is one of the things that winds me up the most. Fast forward a few years and those parents inevitably have uncontrollable brats on their hands and genuinely have no idea how it happened.

Am I the only one who thinks you should tell the organiser and ask them to have a word.

Well the mum was totally unreasonable. If you have a biter, you watch them like a hawk when near other kids and no more than an arms distance to intervene.

I can't believe she said not on the face.

She should have lifted child immediately when he swooped in for the bite

I have found parents like this in different situations, and just tell the child myself, “No thank you. That is really unkind.” Or something like that. If the parent can’t be bothered to discipline, at least it shows your child you’re taking it seriously and you wouldn’t expect that behaviour from them as it’s unacceptable.

It's the gentle parenting bs once again.

I've heard that little Tarquin must simply grow out of the biting stage and parents should gently advise them it isn't kind to bite.

Utter bs. Children need hard boundaries. If you tolerate this, then of course they won't grow out of it, they will just escalate.

This is why teachers are leaving careers due to being assaulted and absolutely no discipline.

Tell that child "NO! DO NOT BITE"
They should be removed from the setting so that the child learns it isn't OK.

I would have said to the child No! You do not bite. The taken my DC away. Your child needs to hear that you will stand up for them.

No one thinks that. They just expect the parent to deal with it.

At a toddler group I went to there was a mum of twins who were adopted and had some learning difficulties. I mention the fact they were adopted as it could have easily explained their behaviour and their mums way of dealing with it. Anyway the twins seriously had it in for my youngest daughter. They would stalk her and run up behind her so they could shove her and send her flying. They would also try to hit her and snatch toys. The Mum used to 'shrug' I kept telling her she had to watch her kids more carefully but she would 'shrug' and say they were too quick etc and couldn't understand. ( I think they were autistic but can't quite remember) . I know she must have been overwhelmed but I insisted that she shouldn't come if she wasn't able to watch them properly and that it wasn't ok to let my kids be in danger of injury because of her actions. I made it about her behaviour and not her kids.
She eventually started coming with a childminder.
If your kid is a biter then you either have to never stop watching it or you have to avoid other kids as much as possible.

If you didn't say anything at the time, it's too late now, but you could mention the incident to the group organiser, that behaviour isn't acceptable and although does happen I would expect their parent to act accordingly, I would remove my child from the area and have stern words then apologise profusely to the other parent and child, if child old enough make them apologise too.

The most concerning thing I took from what you wrote was that she said not on the cheek, like it's okay to bite other places!

I think you owe it to your poor child to challenge politely. I just couldn't turn a blind eye, my child was bitten several times by a child at nursery. Staff don't disclose the name of the child but I clearly knew who it was. I bumped into the father leaving nursing after my DS had a full set of denture marks ingrained on his arm. Dad was really defensive and kept saying how do you know it was my son. I said to my DS "who bit you again" and he named him and showed him his arm. Not even a sorry or apology. Just marched into the nursery guns blazing.

This parent is what I call a wet wipe, totally useless in a difficult situation.

Personally, I would make a fuss about it. I would have said something about biting isn't nice behaviour loud enough so the other mum could hear or directly to her. Kids need to know right from wrong. Many kids don't know how to read emotions or express empathy because their parents let them think things don't apply to them. When it is everyone's job to make sure kids understand the way of the world.

Your child needs to know you have his back. That is why you need to say something when this happens.

I think parents who are saying they were embarrassed when their kids mean that they were embarrassed that they didn't stop their kids from biting rather than they were actually embarrassed by their child.

I don't think it's normal for kids to bite but it's not wildly unusual and there are plenty of kids who have a reason why they bite such as if they are ND.

I'd be livid and I likely would've said something. My 16 month old was pushed earlier this week at tumble tots quite aggressively by an older 2.5 year old. He went flying and smacked his head on the wooden bench. I initially saw red but swept ds away to calm him down. The mum of the 2 year old apologised, explained we don't pushed and made her little girl come over and say sorry which she did. Made all the difference to see a parent correct behaviour.

And this is the thing, most decent people are more than happy to accept that children do things like bite, slap, push etc. However how the parent/carer reacts is key.
If a child hurt mine but the parent/carer then disciplined the child by telling them no and explaining that we don't do that, then either gets them to apologise (or depending on age apologises on their behalf) then I'd be absolutely fine with that.
Kids aren't perfect and neither are adults, sometime we make mistakes but how you deal with them makes all the difference.

Say nothing, move on, forget about it, it's not going to traumatise your child for life, be grateful your child isn't a biter!
I think for once off incidents it's really better to keep quiet.

Bite her on the arm and say at least it’s not on the face.

I can understand you being upset if your DF tried to minimise it and I would never have done that. That would have been my first priority to comfort/help the bitten DC and encourage my DC to do that too. However I wouldn't have spoken tersely to my DC as he is autistic and that didn't work. I would have taken him right out of the situation, calmed things down and then spoken to him about it. But I know some parents didn't like that. I also would not have 'made' him apologise as I could never stand it when parents did that and you just got a sulky 'sorry' as if that made it ok. I'd ask my DC what they could do to make the other DC feel better and whether they said sorry or gave them a hug or whatever at least it meant something. I guess, what I'm saying is just because someone doesn't discipline their DC in exactly the same way as you it doesn't mean they're not taking it seriously.

You are not over reacting OP, I get why you didn’t say anything but also wouldn’t blame you if you did. She’s creating a monster by just allowing that sort of behaviour. I take my 2 year old to soft play often and I notice that the worst behaved kids who bully my kid tend to have parents who do not watch them so don’t even notice what they are doing or similar to your case they notice but don’t react much. I don’t think that’s a coincidence.