AIBU for being annoyed at other mother's reaction to her child biting mine

[FourOfDiamonds]

My child (16 months) got bitten today and I know these things happen but I'm so cross about the other mum's reaction.

I was at a weekly baby class. My DC was sitting at the top of two steps. Another child (3 months older) goes over and sits next to him and starts trying to push him down the steps. The other mum is sitting closer to them than me and just says (smiling) 'don't do that'. I realise she's not going to intervene so I start heading over. Before I can get there, the other child grabs mine by the scruff of the neck and bites his cheek. The other mum (still not getting up) just says 'not on the face' but still in a sort of sing song voice. The bite didn't break the skin but went really red, swelled up and left teeth marks. The other mum didn't apologise or even check my DC was ok.

I didn't say anything to her as I didn't want to make a scene. I've spoken to my husband and he says he thinks I did the right thing as I see her every week and probably no good would have come from saying something but I'm not sure. Interested to know what other people would have done? Kicking myself a bit now for not speaking up.

This is the first time my DC has been bitten so maybe I'm overreacting but felt the other mum's behaviour was really off.

I would say many , if not the majority of biters especially ay 18 months are not serial biters. I think the mum was probably shocked and embarrassed and misspoke.
Lots of people on here comparing experiences of older children biting which really aren't comparable.
I think maybe the other baby was getting frustrated because op's baby was in the way.The warning was him trying to push him off the steps.

YANBU OP. I have two boys much older now (9 and 6) and they’ve both been guilty of pushing, and my youngest has bitten once. So they are by no means innocent, but this is not how you deal with it and it sounds like the parent’s little one is prone to that sort of behaviour so the mum should’ve been closer by and watching like a hawk.

I remember when my DS1 was 14 months, he was a very gentle little soul, and a slightly older toddler yanked his hair and used it to force him down to the ground. The mum was nowhere to be seen and the mum’s friend who was close by was semi apologetic but “they’re only little”. I was SO annoyed.

These things do happen, the other child was only a baby themselves. It’s all on the parent to take responsibility and this one didn’t at all.

I don’t think you need to do anything else, but I would give them a wide berth next time.

I would suggest it's too late to raise with Mrs Sing Song crappy parent, but I would certainly be contacting the person responsible for the activity to make them aware

Problem is, some morons like this think you can parent effectively if you behave like Miss Rachel, all sing song voice and naff all else. I would've been mortified if my child had of done that and certainly wouldn't have just said "not the face".

Definitely let the place know your child sustained an injury as a result of the violent behaviour of an older child, and point out the fault lies with the parent who failed to act appropriately or apologise. They can deal with it and any injuries should be logged anyway.

@Lherbeestrepose

Why name call and insult people by referring to a child as feral?

If a child bites another .. the injured child should get the attention, check in, are you ok? Whilst the biter is ignored. Any nursery manager, health visitor, children's doctor would advise this.

This is basics on child development and how to deal with biting. A biter at SUCH A YOUNG AGE is not behaving in a feral way, how cruel and misguided for you to say this.

You should always be your child’s greatest advocate. You don’t have to “make a scene” but firmly and politely, you should never be afraid to stand up for your child. You’re also teaching your child to stand up for themselves.

Yes, they’re still very young, but you’ll come across that type of non-parenting for many years!

I agree. I’d probably have fixed her with a steely glare and said, ‘Not on the face, or ANYWHERE, actually! That’s not OK, is it?!’

However, it can be difficult to get the right response at the time.

@ageratum1 ”The warning was him trying to push him off the steps”.

This ties into my point though. Something could have been done by the other Mum, she was given a warning via her child trying to push another. That’s the moment to step in and not allow it to escalate!

Next time, approach her and say something like 'I don't want to make too much of it because I know biting is a phase, but I want you to keep your child away from mine until you've sorted it out. I was surprised you didn't intervene and I want to make sure it doesn't happen again.'

Take a photo of the mark in case she minimises, you can show her.

Not the only one saying it

Some parents are just lazy and can’t be bothered to parent. I was in soft play with my 2yo yesterday in the little section when a couple of boys who looked about 4 kept taking ALL the toys off the other children to make their own den. One of them hit my child and pushed him away when he went close to try and get the toy back. I sternly told them never to hit or push and that these toys were for everyone to play with. No sight of their parents.

you have a child, you need to grow your backbone.
First off when the child started pushing yours, and it was clear you might not make it over in time, firm voice to child "stop doing that now" and any intervention from anyone, including the mother, is "i am looking out for your child"

After the bite? I would have asked her what she is going to do to stop it happening again, why she didn't intervene earlier instead of sitting by while her child was bullying another child, and that if it happens again that you are going to ask that she is excluded from wherever it is you were.

When you have children you need firm boundaries, and a backbone.

YANBU to be annoyed.

YABU not to call her out on weak parenting

Get a grip

"I didn't say anything to her as I didn't want to make a scene."

FGS 🙄

You can say something without making it a scene.

If you had called her out on it maybe next time her child goes to do it to someone, she'd intervene.

She was absolutely wrong but I think you're wrong here for not saying anything.

I would have very loudly told the child - "no biting! you should not bite other people, its not nice! look what you done, this is bad, you hurt someone" and kept repeating it his mum came and got him.

Op, you have, predictably, received messages here telling you that you let your child down because you didn't have a showdown with the mum.

Welcome to parenting: things will shock you and leave you speechless and frozen in the moment. As long as you act by removing your child from these situations, you are not letting your child down. Sometimes you will react verbally, sometimes you won't, but as long as you get your child out of the situation and adjust things appropriately afterwards to safeguard your child, you're doing fine. Your 16 month old child will not have noticed that you didn't give the mum an epic speech. They'll just be glad you got him out of there. Don't take these comments to heart OP. Actions often speak louder than words.

I would have had a go at her/her child through talking to my child.

"Oh no that child bit you? Are you ok baby? That's not very kind is it..." Loudly and totally for the other mums benefit.

You didn’t say anything? Stop being such a wet lettuce and speak up for your child! Jesus Christ.

She took her child away. Not everything has to be a big confrontation. The priority was the safety of her child.

Countless generations have cured biting the old-fashioned way.
Biting back gently - but sufficient to cause a little pain - stops it.

Hmmmm...I'm a fan of fake 'backing' the wet parent. So, in your situation after the mother said 'not on the face' I would sternly say 'listen to your mummy, it is not ok to bite people on the face or anywhere else. We do not bite'. The mother might reflect on her wet parenting style and the child might pay more attention to a 'stranger'.

Interesting this concept - although nowadays most will recoil at it, however my nephew bit all the time for around 18 months when he was 2-3 years old. In-laws were getting constant calls from nursery and he also bit outside of nursery.

SIL/BIL never told him off/gave consequences etc - ever, they are probably the equivalent of gentle parenting and he is never reprimanded etc. Then one day he bit a boy who turned and bit him back quite hard leaving teeth marks and a bruise. Nephew said to his mum that it really hurt and he never bit again from that day forward. I do wonder that those who bite have no concept that it hurts, they just like the sensory aspect of it or the reaction from the other child.

Tell the neglected brat that biting's Naughty, Bad, Wicked, all the words you're not suppose to use, that may get her off her derriere and be a parent rather than an enabler

Tell your bitten child that the other one was naughty and did a bad thing, don't be as wet as the mother.

Do you not think breastfeeding might encourage biting in infants?