Need to go off work with stress - but don’t want it marked as stress

[Marshallscrossing]

Im sure this will set people off but I want to know if there’s a way of “faking” something that a doctor will sign me off for that isn’t stress.

I work in the civil service and I know people that have been signed off with stress thatve had their cards marked forever and later managed out of the business - obviously not for the stress reason though.

Im really struggling with everything at home at the moment and work is the only thing I can see that can give right now.

My 4 year son recently got an echp agreed but they’ve refused to name a specialist setting - they’re saying a non verbal, not potty trained child can cope in mainstream. It’s ridiculous - all the professionals agree except the local authority. So we’re taking them to tribunal - hopefully should be fast tracked as he’s due to start school in September.

I have an older child who has coped with everything really well but is acting out at the moment as me and his dad have been so occupied with sorting our other child and the EHCP.

I have an unwell parent who I’ve had to run to the hospital a lot.

I work 4 days a week in a busy managerial role in the civil service and I just can’t cope. I’m behind on things and I’m sure I’m going to drop a massive ball soon and really bugger something up.

I can’t sleep for the worry of it all.

Please help. I know people will say I should be signed off with stress but I’ve seen what happens to people that have been.

also - I don’t know how it works. Will they ring me repeatedly trying to get me back into work asap? I think that will stress me out even more ☹️

I’ve had a lot of good advice from the EHCP support thread on the SEN board if you need any help with mediation/tribunal. Lots of knowledgeable posters who are going through the same thing.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5077140-ehcp-support-thread-no-3?page=12

I hope you find a work related solution soon and really hope the tribunal goes in your favour. I’ve heard that over 90% of parents win their appeals, so hopefully that will be the case for you too.

Also one other thing I wanted to mention. I think I read on an old thread somewhere that if a school asks you to collect your child early or insists on a part-time timetable, they can only do this if they are formally excluding your DS. You may find this thread useful - https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_needs/4904153-part-time-timetable-in-reception-class.

This, perhaps take some time off to get the breathing space needed to look at reducing your outgoings enough to go PT. A high mortgage doesn't sound sustainable long term

Agree with other posters, take the time off now and use that time to figure out a long term plan so that you as a family are able to cope going forward. You are right in that you need to get yourself well in order to advocate for your child, so you need to use the time to figure out a plan on how to manage this going forward.

Also one other thing I wanted to mention. I think I read on an old thread somewhere that if a school asks you to collect your child early or insists on a part-time timetable, they can only do this if they are formally excluding your DS.

not sure what benefit there is to the deregulated/upset child in being forced to stay in school……

This is what parental leave is for.

I hope you're able to sort things out for your children.

@Marshallscrossing

It doesn't have to be work related stress in order for you to be signed off work with stress...if you see what I mean.

All the reasons you've listed are perfectly valid & all together, it's no wonder you're struggling right now.

And although work itself isn't one of the things specifically adding to your stress, it indirectly IS because you're trying SO hard to hold THAT together whilst crashing & burning elsewhere. And at some point soon, it likely WILL be on that list.

Only YOU know what you need right now. Your situation & personal mental health are unique to you & of course you know that life is always going to be stressful with a SEN child but right now, you're at your limit & easing the pressure in 1 area might allow you the breathing space to better deal with the rest.

I'd be completely honest with your employers & what will be, will be. It's better to do that than, like you say, start underperforming & potentially bugger it all up for yourself.

Also be open & honest with friends & family & take every single bit of help & support you can. It's just a particularly crappy part of the road right now - it won't be your whole journey.

All the best. X

4 weeks per year, in week long blocks at a time to be agreed with the employer and unpaid.

Are you implying that thyroid problems are not a real issue? If so I suggest you read up about hyperthyroidism and hypothyroidism because I can assure you they are very real and very unpleasant for those who suffer from them

The current medical advice for back problems is to take anti-inflammatories and keep doing your usual activities. People used to be told to rest for a bad back but this has been thoroughly de-bunked now. Even if you do find a GP willing to sign you off with a bad back it's likely you would be referred to Occupational Health who would most likely say you were fit to return to work.

Why would OP take parental leave that is unpaid when she is suffering stress and can be signed off and paid in full?

@FunZebra I agree, there’s no benefit but parents need to work (this will probably be me next year as the council are pushing mainstream). And also, if the child is struggling then they need to be in an alternative setting. Which is why parents push for this at the start but end up getting dismissed.

Because she doesn't want to have them know she's off for stress.

I agree, there are times when we need a break to prevent a breakdown, and it sounds like you have reached this point. The only advice I could give you is to use this time to be make decisions/take actions in order to make the problems you have manageable in addition to your work, ie don’t just continue as you are with the exception of not going to work, otherwise you’ll end up in the same situation when your leave ends.

The OP doesn't want a sick note for stress though. She wants suggestions for an alternative sickness.

The gp will put something else if she asks …..mine put anxiety …and OP has said several times since she started this thread that she is now not going to lie

You can still engage with Occ health without revealing the actual issues to your employer, you just need to be honest with Occ health, they won't release information you don't want them to. The employer only needs to know if there are any adjustments needed or whether you're fit to work etc. If you've got a good employer it helps to let them know what's happening but if you don't you can keep it to yourself while still following their processes.

I don’t know where you live in the south east but there is a state primary in bourne end (Buckinghamshire) which has a good reputation locally.
”A state special school for boys and girls aged from 4 to 11. Type of SEN provision: ASD - Autistic Spectrum Disorder; SLCN - Speech, Language and Communication”
www.westfieldschoolbucks.org

Thank you to everyone who’s left helpful comments on this post.

Ive resolved to speak to my line manager about how hard I’m finding everything at the moment and then the GP.

I’ll also do a referal for talking therapy via our work system as I think that’ll help me work through everything I need to do.

My deepest sympathies OP.
I'm a sole parent, work 40 hours a week, have an autistic 4 year old who had his EHCP completed this week. After 9 months of back and forth. It's worth it in the end. But it is shit.
For months I was drowning in school admin, caring for DS, maintaining house and working. I also enjoy my job, I love my colleagues. They were aware of me struggling. It's good money and we need it. Obviously.
I took time off before Christmas. Explained everything to GP who wrote 'work related stress' on the note, I challenged that and he instead typed 'mental health'
We get full wage for 4 months sickness. I took 2.
You should account for any future illness or injury.
While you're off look into places like Contact. They can arrange counselling, put you in touch with people in similar positions and point you in the direction of any support available.
Again it's shit ❤

Thank you. Sussex unfortunately so not nearby

So sorry to hear you’re having such a bad time. I know how you feel re: card marked- it really shouldn’t be like that and you should be able to take sick leave for whatever it is that is making you sick.

i can’t think of anything that you could cover your stress with - depends on your doctor and what they would need to sign off the sick leave form (which your manager would need for absences over 7 days).

be careful of the 6 months paid sick leave allowance - that is over a 4 year rolling period so if you take a few months off now you it will be 4 years until your sick leave allowance is back up to its full amount again, so if you need to take a large chunk of sick leave in the future you may not have enough allowance to take the whole 6 months as paid (I also work in the civil service).. I’m not saying don’t take sick leave if you need it, but I think you should explore other types of leave/ flexible working options first.

Maybe because she's under huge amounts of stress and has no bandwidth left? What a cruel and unnecessary comment.

OP - I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and for the posts here which have been unhelpful and unkind.

I think you're right to be honest - that what's happening at home has meant you have nothing left in the tank to give at work, and you're getting ground down. This is stress, but not workplace stress. Emphasise to your manager how much you enjoy and appreciate your job. I'd also add that the biggest cause of depression in the UK is unemployment - doing useful and engaging work will be very good for your mental health if you can get the balance right.

As others have said, something has to give and it can't be your mental health. Please somehow organise some care for your parents which takes the bulk of the tasks OFF your plate. You need to focus on your son.

There's been no talk of your husband's role in all this. I think the only way you might manage is if he reduces his hours too, to also participate in childcare. It seems like everything is falling on your plate, and his job is being prioritised over yours.

I know you have a punishing mortgage, I live in the southeast too, but you'd be better off with you both going down to 80% of full time and sorting something out with your mortgage e.g. increasing the life of your mortgage (e.g from 20 to 30 years) in order to reduce repayments.

Good luck.

If you can get your doctor onside they might help. I was once bullied at work by my manager which almost brought me to a breakdown. I went to see my doctor and told him. He immediately offered to sign me off with stress but I told him I didn’t want that because the manager would then think he’d won and would then work on getting me out (he had a track record). My doctor told me he could put any reason he wanted on my sick note even chicken pox if I wanted. I did decline but it was good to know he had my back

I used to work in the CS and people were always getting signed off with stress and very few were managed out as a result. The only ones who were managed out were objectively very poor performers both before and after their sick leave.