Need to go off work with stress - but don’t want it marked as stress

[Marshallscrossing]

Im sure this will set people off but I want to know if there’s a way of “faking” something that a doctor will sign me off for that isn’t stress.

I work in the civil service and I know people that have been signed off with stress thatve had their cards marked forever and later managed out of the business - obviously not for the stress reason though.

Im really struggling with everything at home at the moment and work is the only thing I can see that can give right now.

My 4 year son recently got an echp agreed but they’ve refused to name a specialist setting - they’re saying a non verbal, not potty trained child can cope in mainstream. It’s ridiculous - all the professionals agree except the local authority. So we’re taking them to tribunal - hopefully should be fast tracked as he’s due to start school in September.

I have an older child who has coped with everything really well but is acting out at the moment as me and his dad have been so occupied with sorting our other child and the EHCP.

I have an unwell parent who I’ve had to run to the hospital a lot.

I work 4 days a week in a busy managerial role in the civil service and I just can’t cope. I’m behind on things and I’m sure I’m going to drop a massive ball soon and really bugger something up.

I can’t sleep for the worry of it all.

Please help. I know people will say I should be signed off with stress but I’ve seen what happens to people that have been.

also - I don’t know how it works. Will they ring me repeatedly trying to get me back into work asap? I think that will stress me out even more ☹️

It's not going to work being signed off with something else.
If you say muscular skeletal then you will be referred to a physio
Migraines -prescribed medication
Gynae issues -investigation
You would be required to show your work you are being treated, getting help
Just go to the Gp and get signed off with anxiety/ stress

I promise you I get this every which way as a civil servant and a parent of a child with SEN. My child is older now but I had to deal with EHCP stress for years and the deaths of my mum and my inlaws too.

Do be honest, as pp said, in the kindest possible way, your mental health may well be worse than you think. If you are off for a significant period of time then you will have to talk to work OH, it will just add to your stress if you are trying to game things.

Also, this is a long haul. Even if your child gets into the right placement, you may well find that you are needed more than you would be in 'usual' parenting. Things can go well for a while and then suddenly something will change and you will need to come up with a new plan and readjust.

Take some time off and do think about what you can do to make things more sustainable. Your DH will need to do his bit. Things changed for me when I insisted that mine came to all important meetings. The mental load is substantial.

I burnt out in the end, I think I was susceptible to long covid because of my burnout. Please do take care of your health, it is so important. Sending you love, things will get better

I haven’t RTFT (a cardinal MN sin, I know).

I just wanted to add my 2p as both an employment lawyer and an employer.

If my staff came to me with this, I’d be letting them know we could help. Whether that was parental leave, carers leave, more flexible hours or a temporary reduction in hours. None of which would go down as sick leave or have any impact on their employment record.

Sometimes you really can sort things directly with your employer, assuming they aren’t ogres.

If they are, THEN get signed off. You’ve got a lot on your plate.

Well as you apparently know how all local authorities work I’ll ignore the hideously expensive legal advice we received and the emails from the tribunal team then.

Hello there and big hug. I have a 12 yo with EHCP and now in specialist school. Spent most of his nursery year trying to get EHCP and honestly that was probably the worst year of my life and I have blanked it out. So I hear you. I also work in a relatively high pressure job 4 days a week. My job has actually been the saving grace in terms of time away from all the SEN (although childcare.....). Take the time off, be kind to yourself and you will bounce back stronger.

As I said before, once you use it up now, what happens in future? You get 5 months full and 5 months half according to gov.uk in a rolling 4 year period.

I’m just advising you to be cautious.

you’re clearly very stressed, but not sure what is going to change significantly to reduce this in future, given your child will likely need picking up more often than other children and you’ve got financial obligations requiring both of you to work full time. It’s at least 13 years of education to manage. What’s the long term plan?

Well OP isn’t one of them….so she got options ….not sure the point of your comment ?🤔🙄

None of these suggestions will pay her mortgage tho

It literally says in the last paragraph that the tribunals may not take place before the Reception start, which is exactly what I said OP. You're tired, I get it. I don't need the aggression.

Yes, it's pretty stupid to expect people not to lie, to do their job, and to drop their hours when they can't do what they are paid for.

FFS! I'm not having a go at the OP, despite her passive aggressive responses, but the reality of having people off sick in public sector roles is that someone has to pick up the slack, there is often no budget to pay for temps (and many roles are too specialist to get one quickly anyway), and the work has to be done as there are clients who would suffer if not. Lying to get a sick note is not ok for all the reasons that have been stated, plus the OP is not sick, she is in an ongoing difficult situation that is not going to resolve any time soon, so she needs to look at ways to mitigate that. Yes, it's rubbish, but pretending that it's ok for the OP to lie and to take a salary she's not earning is not being helpful, but she won't listen to anything other than what she wants to hear.

The OP says from the start that asking if she's being unreasonable will 'set people off' - she's already framing the situation as one in which a different opinion = intolerance. There was never much point in giving an alternative perspective, so OK. . .

Poor you, OP. Of course you should lie and get as much time off as you can. Never mind that doing so will make life difficult for those who genuinely sufferer from illness. Don't dwell on the fact that someone will be doing your work free whilst you get paid, and that their life may be stressful too. Or that your behaviour might affect the way female managers are viewed. Don't worry, and don't even consider dropping your hours or getting a less stressful job. Do what's best for you, and only you. Anyone covering for you must be stupid anyway.

Is that better?

It says they’re fast tracked though and I’ve had emails saying we will have one before the start of the academic year - which I said.

I don’t really understand what youre trying to do? Make me realise things will be awful/impossible forever?

Cheers, that’s super helpful right now.

I don’t need that kind of “advice” - like the “good luck, you’re going to need it” from the Health Visitor when I raised concerns at the 2 year check

I’ve already said Im not going to lie.

Why are you still here trying to kick me when I’m clearly struggling.

I would understand if a colleague was having a terrible time and wouldn’t want them to work themselves into a breakdown.

Clearly you’d rather I lost my job and got in the benefits queue right

Maybe you also need to look for a role in another part of the Civil Service? Lots of people in my department have had time off for stress or caring responsibilities and it hasn't "marked their card" (although one division is a bit like that, the one with high turnover).

Take it step by step OP.

Get signed off for a month or so. Take a breath, spend some time with your oldest child and with your parent, definitely try to do some nice things, walks with friends, coffees, nothing, do whatever you need to do. Then see. You may need another month or two, you may not. You may need the whole six months and if you do, you do, but you don't know that now. I was so ill with long covid that I exhausted my paid leave and now have to build it up again. That's not a great position to be in, so if you can avoid that I would.

You can't do it all at once, and you don't really know how it will work out., but you do need to look after your own health.

You'll onpy get 112.00 per week for 28 weeks no matter what hours you did before so will be a massive reduction in wages.
But you can talk to your dr and tell them your stressed to sign off but you can tell them that you didn't want your work to know that. They can leave it blank or put down other reasons.
As for your kid....mainstream schools do have non verbal children and many kids start school who are not toilet trained still.

Your 'fast tracked' date could still be 20 weeks away, and if you're off sick for 20 weeks, what then? That was my point OP. Short term you might be drowning but I'm thinking of the raft you might be needing to live on for the next 6 months and the provisions you may need along the way.

I have level 3 IPSEA legal training and do know what I'm talking about. I'm also not being paid thousands of pounds by you. I help people for free.

The other piece of advice that I have and this is an SEN not work specific thing, is to try to make contact with other parents in the same boat. My SEN friends have really had my back at certain points, it is very hard for those not in the system to understand it.

I'm really sorry you find yourself in this position OP, and think that telling the truth to your employer is the best way ahead.

However, although I've never had to deal with a child who has special needs, it does sound from what I've read of other people's situations on MN, that you might have to prepare in some way to take a career break of some sort over the next few years, as it sounds like at present you're simply having to juggle too many balls, and as you say, at this point the only thing that you can possibly cut back on is your job, but only by going off sick. Obviously this isn't going to be viable long term, as if you take time off with stress now, and then have to go off with it again at a later date, I can see this leading to what you most fear, ie, being managed out of your current job, as the way your employer will have to look at it in the long term, is that you simply can't cope with your job, as well as your other responsibilities.

As a matter of interest, is your DH doing his part in helping to organise everything, or is this another case of the woman has to do everything to do with the kids, PLUS try and juggle a full time job, and look after aging parents? Is there any chance he could look for a better paid job, or work extra hours, so that you can cut back on your working hours for a few years?

I really hope you can find the answer, as I know that there are a lot of people out there right now, finding themselves struggling as they never have before, and a lot of this has been brought about by the government, and the cost of living crisis that they've inflicted upon us. So many people were coping in the past, with mortgages that seemed manageable when they took them on, but now they're struggling, and are being forced to work longer hours, or take second jobs just to make ends meet. In your case, it's obviously not possible for you to do this, so perhaps your DH should be the one responsible for picking up some of the load?

I'm a CS manager and I think you should take sick leave on the grounds of stress - because you are suffering from stress.

I think you should be honest about it, it doesn't mean you'll be managed out. It could delay promotion for a while, but once you're back in unbroken attendance, it shouldn't impact your prospects for too long.

Take care of yourself, sorry you have so much on your plate.

While I don't think signing off with stress is anything to be ashamed of, I don't think in this particular instance it would help in the long term. The stress isn't being caused by work, but by personal circumstances. Which are no less important for that, but taking time off work is unlikely to address the underlying issues and you will end up in a similar place again. And if you are worried it will mark your card, then it sounds like you want to avoid it in the first place.

There is not much you can do about the EHCP tribunal except wait, but there may be other steps you can take.

Could you ask for compressed hours (e.g. three long days) or do part time hours over 5 days? Would that enable you to balance things more easily?

Does your work know what's going on, and is there any way they could get you more support in your role? Would they provide any counselling?

How long is your parent likely to need trips to the hospital for, and do you have any siblings or other relatives that could help? Could they feasibly take a taxi, or make use of a local community service?

How old is the older child who is acting up? If they're old enough, is it worth a good talk with them, or could they go and stay overnight occasionally with a relative or a good friend?

What chores around the house can you streamline / drop / get the older one to help with?

Ultimately you need to put your hand up to your friends, family, and work, and tell them that right now you need some more support.

I think I need to gather my strength for the inevitable battle to come though.

How can I advocate for my son if I’m on the floor?

CS sick pay is full pay for 5 months.

Take the time off now then OP, as an adult you can make that call. If you're not fit to work right now go and see your GP. But don't lie about your reasons because being extremely stressed to the point of not being able to function is nothing to be ashamed of.

Just make the call now and do it.

Clearly you’d rather I lost my job and got in the benefits queue right

Where did you get that from? No, I would honestly rather you could get help for your son that removed your stress, that your parent got well and that you could go on holiday to get away from it all. Really.

But that's unlikely to happen unfortunately, so we are left with the situation as it is. You are getting more and more aggressive to people who say anything other than what you want to hear, and it's not helping.

If you are not going to lie, but are planning to ask for stress-related sick leave, you will need to plan for when it is over. A change in hours, less responsibility, a discussion with a manager - I suggested all this things art the start of the thread, and was accused of kicking you then, too.

The sarcasm in my last post was addressed to the poster who said I was 'stupid' for covering for a colleague to the point that I had to leave work while she continued to fund her pension and get the salary she wasn't earning. Maybe I was, but pointing out that this happens is not kicking you.

I think quite a lot of well meaning people on here are becoming punching bags for the OP right now and that in itself tells me that you aren't fully functional @Marshallscrossing - you're biting like a cornered dog. Take the time off.