Need to go off work with stress - but don’t want it marked as stress

[Marshallscrossing]

Im sure this will set people off but I want to know if there’s a way of “faking” something that a doctor will sign me off for that isn’t stress.

I work in the civil service and I know people that have been signed off with stress thatve had their cards marked forever and later managed out of the business - obviously not for the stress reason though.

Im really struggling with everything at home at the moment and work is the only thing I can see that can give right now.

My 4 year son recently got an echp agreed but they’ve refused to name a specialist setting - they’re saying a non verbal, not potty trained child can cope in mainstream. It’s ridiculous - all the professionals agree except the local authority. So we’re taking them to tribunal - hopefully should be fast tracked as he’s due to start school in September.

I have an older child who has coped with everything really well but is acting out at the moment as me and his dad have been so occupied with sorting our other child and the EHCP.

I have an unwell parent who I’ve had to run to the hospital a lot.

I work 4 days a week in a busy managerial role in the civil service and I just can’t cope. I’m behind on things and I’m sure I’m going to drop a massive ball soon and really bugger something up.

I can’t sleep for the worry of it all.

Please help. I know people will say I should be signed off with stress but I’ve seen what happens to people that have been.

also - I don’t know how it works. Will they ring me repeatedly trying to get me back into work asap? I think that will stress me out even more ☹️

I know you've already said you're going to be honest but I agree trying to get the support at work and being honest is probably the best way to go - even if that does mean you taking some time off with stress.
I don't have the same circumstances as you but have posted before about my struggles with working 4 days, caring for a terminally ill parent and looking after kids. I didn't end up taking the time off in the end but I did talk to my boss about how hard I was finding things and just having someone aware of how hard I was finding things did help. You're right in that the time off isn't a cure but when you can't cope with everything then the only thing that can give is work.
Good luck with whatever happens, and I hope things get easier for you.

Hiya I haven’t rtft but I have read all of your updates ❤️ I’m also civil service (24 years and g7) and I’m sorry about all of the responses you’re getting.

If you are worried about what work will think/do speak to your gp first to help you navigate work. I was stressed and didn’t want to tell work so my doctor said they would sign me off with a chest infection - I was off for four weeks with a temporary issue and was able to return to work.

However, this is going to be an ongoing problem for you that you are likely to need support / stress reduction plan and a carers passport to help. If applied properly these policies are great and will allow you to perform well when you are work - none of this should be held against you.

just take one day at a time 💐

I just want to curl in a ball and go to sleep.

I actually did that, for up to seven years. 'Anxiety and depression'.

My Dad died of cancer last year OP, and I had to co-ordinate his care as well as look after him. Hospital visits, palliative care, a million forms, a useless GP and obstructive relative to juggle. I also run my own business so no sick notes for me and I had to work. It pushed me to my absolute limit physically and mentally.

I envy anyone having to "worry" about being signed off with stress. Some of us don't get that choice.

also - I don’t know how it works. Will they ring me repeatedly trying to get me back into work asap? I think that will stress me out even more ☹️

OP: If you are in a busy managerial role it is decidedly odd that you don't already know exactly how this works.

I think you need to consider your own prejudice about stress is possibly clouding this. And I do mean then kindly. A manager will have seen the impacts of stress before and I'm sure be sympathetic. (Unless they are an arsehole.)

When I hear that normally hard working people are off with it my first thought is concern. Possibly because of first hand experience. Dh ignored it, had a breakdown and was off nearly two years. He'll probably never be full time again and he's early 40s.

They could write burnout if you prefer. I'm in a role similar to civil service and had quite a lot of awareness about burnout.

Does your employer have anyone looking at the needs of those with caring responsibilities? Mine has Wellbeing Passport to set out and agree needs. I've found a lot of support in our carers network at work. Possibly you don't have one but its worth asking, if you are in a union they can provide support sometimes. Also check benefits of your employees assistance programme. Speaking to other carers who understand has been so useful.

Sorry I misspoke as I’m a project manager.

I have assistant PMs although I’m not their line manager.

Hi. I was a senior manager in the civil service and in my experience, some managers did mark the cards of staff who took time off for work-related stress. I know it’s already been said, but I’d make sure that your doctor’s note states that it’s home based stress or something similar.

Having an honest conversation with your line manager wheee you set out the caring issues and the issues with your son also should mean protection under DDA (as a carer of a child with a disability - something I had to do in my time too).

Please don’t make yourself more unwell by trying to keep going with work when dealing with everything else. And don’t pay any attention to anyone trying to make you feel worse for being unwell.

Good luck.

No. They shouldn’t be ringing you to hassle you to come back. You might get a call from staff welfare or whatever it’s called now. If you’re in a union your rep can help you and ease any worries you have.

I’m sorry it was so stressful for you.

Although im not sure why you would go on a thread about someone who is struggling with similar and more to have a dig.

Rather unkind and unnecessary frankly

You could get signed off with stress but explain to your manager the truth - this is family stress not your job. They will be understanding surely. Best of luck. Xxx

Thank you this is really helpful.

I will look into a carers passport when I’m back on Monday

Thank you for this thoughtful and helpful message.

My husband has condensed his hours to work shorter hours and from home on a Tuesday when I need to be in the office but otherwise needs to be in the office daily due to the type of work and supervising he needs to do.

Hes very hands on and does appts when he can but up until now my work have been more flexible and I’ve been able to swap things around due to working 4 days.

Op, go to GP first.
no manager is trained to handle someone presenting with mental health “crisis”particularly when it is driven primarily by home stressors. Talk to GP first. As I said in earlier email get signed off for a couple of weeks for respite, then go back

see what GP can suggest to help you …get on a list for counselling if possible- you can always duck out later if you find you don’t need it or workplace one is successful . Take a couple of weeks to clear your head of the catastrophic thinking and impossibility of your situation. You’re exhausted, stretched thin, and overwhelmed. Get 2 weeks off to find some strength agian.

I mean this kindly, but you are snapping at folks here that don’t agree and that’s a sure sign you’re stressed or even a bit depressed and feeling completely overwhelmed. So it is in your best interest to take 2 weeks off before you “snap” at work where it could have ramifications. You need to find a space to relax a bit, do a bit of mindfulness junk, and regather yourself. You clearly do need 1- 2 weeks to do that. You must also get your partner to step up and if possible to take at least a couple of days off so you can sleep and walk mainly for a few days.

if you do have that workplace mental health support, then use it. Now. Tomorrow. Normally you can access this without going through your boss, after seeing your GP… You’d normally do that through occ health or HR- read your policies or private health scheme type support on how to access.

ONLY THEN, go back to work and talk to boss about what’s happening, that you’ve been to Gp, and much better if when you see your boss you can say you’ve already kicked off the request to take advantage of that workplace provision. Show them that you’ve taken meaningful action to start a ball rolling to help yourself. You may well be asking them to reduce your work stressors by stepping back form leadership type stuff, for a few weeks, or even GP may suggest a few hours reduced week for a bit. Discuss how you’d like them to support you, and think about it from “ what’s it in for them” - explain what you said here, 18 years, good record, love your job, really don’t want to leave… etc. They don’t want to get rid of good people , so that’s what you’re both trying to avoid and can work togther on.

That’ll go down much better than using your boss as a sounding board- they’re not equipped for that role. They are equipped, or should be, to help you in the how can make it work with what you are being told to do from professional support like GP/counsellors etc.

Those were the old terms, so depends how long the OP has worked there. The new contracts give 1 month in year 1, 2 in year 2 and so on up to 5 months in year 5.

I’ve worked here since 2006.

Im entitled to 5 months full pay and 5 months half pay.

I don’t intend to take anywhere near that much

Again op, sorry more messages….if you become seriously unwell by this stress causing a complete mental health crisis, you dh will HAVE to be way more flexible and take time out. You need to articulate that with him- better he step in now for a short time to let you recover, than wait for full crisis.
women all too often try to suck it up and not “burden” their partners. A
l too often partners think they “can’t “ take time off, not flexible… but you’ve got that flexibility becuase of the hard slog you’ve put in to build trust, make up time, be flexible back etc e5c. That flexibility you have isn’t handed out willynilly to anyone- you’ve “banked” tha5 good will. Your husband can do too. Right now you’re lettin*him off the hook.

Actually I’ve never used the sick leave before so never checked but may be eligible for 6 months after all.

Although as I say, I don’t intend to use it all.

Yes I agree, way too much has been on my shoulders.

I did nearly the whole EHCP for example although that feels like it’s been a cock up given they’ve named mainstream.

Although he does all the school drop offs for our older one and picks him up from after school club while I do the nursery run.

He will need to take on more depending what happens with the tribunal.

Get signed off. I did when going through the diagnosis stage, and I worked full time. I was having anxiety attacks in the car, and something had to give.

I'm currently going through EHCPNA Tribunal, and I work part time now, but it feels like I'm in a full-time job with all the paperwork and appointments!

Take the time off, but don't lie about an illness. It is stressful

OP, please disregard those who are trying to make you feel you don’t deserve to take sick leave for stress because it’s not areal sickness. So much prejudice on this thread and the whole “I also had xyz but I am self employed so I didn’t have a choice blah blah” Presumably, they made a choice to be self employed and also made a choice not to put income protection policy in place. You made a choice to work in CS with all the issues (of which there are many!) and benefits it’s bring. Why shouldn’t you use the benefits of a fully paid sick leave? Don’t feel bad about it. It’s not charity - they offfer benefits to stay competitive with the private sector, as simple as that. You can’t function - doesn’t matter whether it’s due to being in an accident or due to stress. The former is more visible than the latter but not more valid.
i do agree with the poster above that people who are managed out are often low performers to start with. And from their end, being signed off with stress is just a stalling tactic. That’s unfortunate that there’s perception spillover effect but don’t get hung up on it.

with regards to other employees having to pick up the slack, that’s not your problem to solve, that’s for your employer to deal with. And again the issue would be the same if someone goes off with a physical ailment.

Also, have you considered ADs?

What "long term plan" are you suggesting then?

What do you mean?

Thank you.

Yes I’ve been wondering about antidepressants but am anxious (!) about taking them and being reliant on something for a problem I can’t actually solve